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“I Pimped the Children”

I Pimped the Children by “The Epsteins”   I pimped the children But I didn’t commit suicide I pimped the children But I surely didn’t kill myself All around in my home town They were trying to track my clients down Now they say they want me to plead guilty To the killing of yours truly To the crime of strangling me, but I say I pimped the children But you know I didn’t kill myself I pimped the children But I surely didn’t strangle myself Sheriff Bill he always loved me And why that was we all know He…

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The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! – Larry Silverstein

Veterans Today strives to represent diversity in all its forms: Race, color, creed, tribal affiliation, political orientation, sexual identity, I.Q., sanity, you name it, we feature writers from all ends of the spectrum. We are especially committed to combatting the scourge of anti-Semitism. That’s why we were overjoyed, nay, ecstatic, to receive this guest editorial submission from a man who, like Jeffrey Epstein, has long enjoyed a reputation as an avatar of chutzpah and a  pillar of America’s Jewish billionaire community. –Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! by “Lucky Larry” Silverstein, guest editorialist As a…

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The CHUTZPAH of Ghislaine Maxwell…and Donald Trump (satire)

Watch the latest FFWN above, click HERE for links to the stories we discussed. By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor This week’s winner of the Larry Silverstein Award for Chutzpah Above and Beyond the Call of Duty is…a tie between Ghislaine “In & Out Burger” Maxwell and Donald “I Am the Chosen One” Trump. Both Maxwell and Trump are associates of another well-known avatar of chutzpah, Jeffrey Epstein, who may or may not be recovering from facelift surgery at an undisclosed location in Occupied Palestine. According to unconfirmed and hardly credible reports, when the plastic surgeon asked Epstein what kind…

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Threatened by YouTube Censorship, I Go Into the T-Shirt Business

By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor What do you do when an internet oligarch destroys everything you’ve been working for, obliterates more than a decade of your hard work, and deprives you of the ability to make a living—all because that oligarch disapproves of your free political speech that is explicitly protected in all public places, including today’s digital town square, by the First Amendment? Obviously that oligarch deserves to be executed for treason. The First Amendment is the heart of our Constitution, and traitors to the Bill of Rights are the worst treasonous scum imaginable. But since I am…

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Trump Banned from Twitter after Homophobic Attack on Pete Buttigieg

Dissociated Press After repeatedly tweeting inflammatory attacks on blacks, Muslims, hispanics, women, Democrats, Trump-haters, and other minority groups, President Trump has finally been banned from Twitter—for homophobia. His offense: Yesterday’s tweet featuring a homophobic limerick attacking Democratic presidential contender Pete Buttigieg. The closure of Trump’s account marks the first time that a head of state has ever been banned from a major social media platform. Twitter spokestwit Tuinda Twatt tweeted: “After years of ponderously sincere reflection, Twitter has finally decided that the President has crossed the line. Attacks on the excretory organs of homosexuals cannot and must not be tolerated.”…

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Jews seek $500 trillion in global persecution reparations

Dissociated Press Following Israel’s demand for $250 billion  in reparations from Arab nations, the World Jewish Congress (otherwise known as WorldJewCon, or WJC) has upped the ante, demanding an additional $500 trillion in persecution reparations from the entire world. WJC spokesman Rob Sheisterstein announced the demand from his royal penthouse suite atop the Hotel President Wilson in Geneva, Switzerland. (The Hotel Wilson, alongside the other 82 five-star hotels in Switzerland, was recently donated in perpetuity as partial reparations for the Swiss role in the Holocaust.) “Holocaust reparations? Mazel Tov. Arab reparations? Double-plus Mazel Tov,” Sheisterstein enthused. “But why stop there?…

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Trump to Tlaib: Don’t Be Vulgar!

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump, profoundly shocked to the very core of his being by a vulgarity uttered about him by Rep. Rashida Tlaib, has issued a statement begging Rep. Tlaib, and all other Americans, to “stop being so vulgar.” “We must eschew all forms of vulgarity,” Trump solemly intoned from his White House pulpit. The august, esteemed, and decorous President of the United States of America then proceeded to lightly chide Rep. Tlaib for her intemperate remark by reciting from memory one of his favorite passages from the classics: “Good taste or bad is revealed in everything we are, do,…

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It’s a Christmas conspiracy, Charlie Brown!

Merry Christmas, fellow heretics! ‘Tis the season for exchanging gifts, ’tis it not? ‘Tis also the season for sending your friends and relatives some sort of greeting card, letter, or (if you’re a cyber-acculturated cheapskate) email letting them know you’re not dead and giving them at least a vague sense of what you’ve been up to. So why not send your friends and relatives some thought-provoking mirth too?  Just forward this Peanuts parody as—or alongside—your “official Christmas greeting.” Who knows, if it goes viral, maybe thousands or even millions of people will eventually come to doubt the official story of…

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Preschoolers to teach sex education to college professors

  Dissociated Press The National Association of Preschoolers (NAP) has issued a statement urging all American university professors to enroll in a new remedial sex education program. The preschoolers will be offering “gender clarity for eggheads” classes at pre-kindergarten educational  institutions nationwide beginning in January. NAP spokestoddler Sally S. explained: “Grown-ups are so silly. Some grown-ups don’t know boys have penises and girls have vaginas. We are going to tell them so they know.” OK folks that’s it. I just don’t have the heart to write any more satire. I was going to try to satirize this story: “YPSILANTI, MI…

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Farrakhan compares Trump to Satan — Satan demands apology

Dissociated Press Responding to a report that Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan had compared him to Donald Trump, Satan has issued an angry statement demanding an apology. At a heavily-attended press conference (hell is full of journalists who are forced to attend press conferences for all eternity) the Prince of Evil inveighed against Farrakhan for making an unfair and hurtful comparison. “I am the world’s greatest liar,” the Devil sneered. “Just because Trump lies all the time, he’s like me? Give me a break! Trump is the world’s second worst liar, almost as bad as his buddy Bin Salman. He…

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