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Krispy Kreme Now Offering 10 FREE DONUTS PER DAY to Anyone Vaccinated for COVID

Dissociated Press Thanks to a 10 billion dollar grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Depopulation Fund, Krispy Kreme Donuts is upping the ante and raising its vaccination bribe for people who show their vaccination card. Instead of just one donut per day, Krispy Kreme will now feed you ten donuts per day for the rest of 2021 if you can prove you’ve been vaccinated. “The vaccine hasn’t been killing people fast enough,” Gates explained, “and its anti-fertility effects, alongside those of the virus, haven’t been sufficient to promote the kind of depopulation that Melinda and I would like to…

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Football Is Anti-Semitic. Here’s How to Fix It.

Dissociated Press Guest op-ed by Jonathan Greenbutt, Anti-Defecation League Anti-Semitism in sports is totally out of control. First, NBA power forward Leonard Myers unknowingly used an obsolete slur while playing a video game. Then the Duxbury Durchgangslagers, a Massachussetts high school football team, got caught calling Nazi plays. Fortunately the coach was fired. He’ll never work in this town again. Nor will any of his players, nor the cheerleaders, nor anybody else from that school. Even the janitor will never mop floors again. They’re on our list, and they’ll never get off. Satisfying as such punishments are, they don’t address the…

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NBA Player Will Clean Toilets for 5 Years to Atone for Shouting Anti-Irish Slur

Which Proves There Is No Such Thing as “Irish Power” Dissociated Press Leonard Meyers, 29-year-old power forward for the Alaska Cool, has been traded to Siberia, where he will clean toilets for a new Russian NBA franchise for five years to atone for shouting an anti-Irish slur while playing a video game. Myers found himself embroiled in controversy earlier this month after he repeatedly screamed the anti-Irish expletive “mick” while playing the popular “Stone the Stones” video game. The game involves players throwing rocks at members of a famous rock band, with points awarded for direct hits. The former NBA…

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Five Who Used Marijuana in Past Exit White House — The Rest Will Keep Using in Present and Future

Dissociated Press Five White House advisors who used marijuana in the past, but have given it up in the present and vowed not to partake in the future, have been ignominiously booted from the Biden Administration.  Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained: “The President (cough, cough) wants only fully-qualified stoners—people who are truly high on America, and who are smoking weed right now at this very moment (whushshshshshsh) and who will keep right on toking till doomsday. Ex-users, T-breakers, and others who are not fried, stoned, baked, bouldered, blitzed, blazed, dazed & confused, short-term-memory-impaired, and looking just as clueless and brain-dead…

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Grandfather arrested, grandchildren expelled for “possession and use of Dr. Seuss”

Dissociated Press A Florida man is in prison, and his grandchildren have been expelled from school, in the wake of the FBI’s first major crackdown on illicit Dr. Seuss books. Benjamin B. Bicklebaum, 73, of Tarpon Springs, Florida was arrested last night after a SWAT team raid uncovered what authorities called “an extremely disturbing collection of extremist literature.” Bicklebaum, who faces seventeen counts of domestic extremism and terrorism charges, was allegedly found in possession of an extremely dangerous arsenal of Dr. Seuss books featuring racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, and transphobic images and tropes. If convicted, Bicklebaum faces up to 140 years…

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Fauci says pandemic won’t end till 110% of the population is vaccinated

Dissociated Press In a stern warning to the American public, COVID czar Anthony Fauci said this morning that masking, social distancing, small business shutdowns, job losses, media fearmongering, oligarch profiteering, Orwellian censorship and surveillance, and his own fifteen minutes of fame will continue forever, because the crisis will not end until at least 110% of the population is vaccinated. “Think of it this way,” the avuncular pandemic poobah explained. “The best vaccine, Moderna’s, only has a 90% success rate. So what percent of the population would you have to vaccinate to get to 100% success? You don’t need a calculator…

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Kushner Nominated for Peace Prize—Nobel’s Corpse Detonates Posthumous Suicide Bomb

Dissociated Press Residents of Norra Begravningsplatsen, Solna, Sweden were awakened this morning to a tremendous explosion. Many assumed there had been an accident with a gas main, while others feared a terrorist attack. The latter group’s apprehensions proved well-founded. The explosion, which destroyed much of the Norra Begravningsplatsen cemetery, turned out to be the world’s first posthumous suicide bombing: Alfred Nobel’s corpse had protested Jared Kushner’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize by rolling over in its grave and blowing itself to bits. Titti Skitqvisst, president of the Nobel Endowment and great-grand-niece of the celebrated inventor, explained: “When my ancestors buried Alfred…

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Iran’s Supreme Leader Wishes Trump a Happy and Carefree Retirement

By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor As philosophy professor Sterling Harwood and I agreed during the final minutes of FFWN (watch the video and check out story links HERE) it is truly heartwarming to see the way Iran’s Supreme Leader, Imam Ali Khamenei, has fondly wished Trump a happy and carefree retirement. The Iranian rahbar tweeted an image of an Iranian “shadow drone” casting a mercifully cooling shade over the poor orange-skinned sweaty ex-president, protecting Trump from sunburn and the potentially mortal threat of skin cancer during a sweltering Florida golf outing. We were also happy to report that the…

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Joe Biden: Trump Made “Very Generous” Bribe-for-Pardon Offer

Dissociated Press President Joe Biden has confirmed that he received a “welcome to the White House” letter from his predecessor Donald Trump, telling reporters from the Oval Office that the note was “very generous.” “The president wrote a very generous letter,” Biden said. “Because it was private, and included a bribe offer, I won’t talk about it until I talk to him and bargain the price up a few more bucks. But it was generous.” A re-layable White Horse souse has reported that the “generosity” in question pertained to the sum of money Trump is offering Biden in return for…

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Trump Aims to Beat His Own Record with THIRD Impeachment: “It Would Be YUGE!”

Dissociated Press In a new video posted in an obscure corner of the darkweb, President Donald Trump congratulates himself on his world-record second impeachment, then vows to achieve an even more impressive third impeachment during his remaining five days in office. “Only two other presidents in history have been impeached even once,” Trump gloats. “I did it twice. Now get ready for number three!” In the video—entitled “Look What I Did for my Third Impeachment” (watched four times so far)— Trump boards a helicopter on the White House roof. Transported to Fifth Avenue in New York, the President emerges to…

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