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Qatar Doesn’t Have Enough Genders to Host a World Cup

Video link Qatar has lots of money, talent, stadium space, hotels, and airport runways. But it’s missing something important. It doesn’t have enough genders to host a World Cup. Can you imagine holding an athletic event in a country that only recognizes two genders? Don’t they know that “male” and “female” are passé, oppressive, and supremacist? Haven’t they heard that civilized cities like San Francisco now recognize 97 gender options and 19 sexual orientations? Hey Qatar, it’s 2022! Civilized, developed nations like the United States have nearly passed the 100-gender threshhold, and within a decade are expected to feature more…

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Alex Jones Ordered to Pay Six Million Trillion Dollars to Holocaust Survivors

Dissociated Press A Texas court has ordered conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to pay six million trillion dollars in damages to Holocaust survivors whose feelings were hurt by Jones’ interview with Holocaust denier David Duke. At a press conference in Austin, Jonathan Greenbutt of the  Anti-Defecation League celebrated the verdict: “We believe this unprecedented ruling will send the strongest possible message: If you are going to invite David Duke to debate you on your radio show, you darn well better win the debate!” Video link Holocaust survivors have widely criticized Jones for his pathetically weak showing in the debate with Duke.…

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Ear-Cutters Cut off Van Gogh’s Cut-Off Ear to Protest Climate Change

Dissociated Press Environmental activists blaming Vincent Van Gogh for climate change have mutilated the famous artist’s “Self Portrait Minus Ear” by slashing off part of the canvas with a razor blade. The activists severed and removed the portion of the painting depicting the bandage that covered the part of the artist’s head where the ear used to be, saying that their act symbolizes the kind of forceful measures that will be needed to prevent humanity from dumping another 2,000 billion metric tons of carbon into the atmosphere. “We need to cut off carbon with the same resolute spirit Van Gogh…

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Sandy Hook Parent Robbie Parker Weeps in Despair After Learning He Just Won $120 Million

Dissociated Press Sandy Hook parent Robbie Parker has once again raised eyebrows by reacting unexpectedly to an emotionally-charged event. Informed that a jury had awarded him $120 million, Parker collapsed on the floor, weeping pitifully, before pulling himself together, wiping away the tears, and flashing an insincere smile as he kicked off the Sandy Hook parents’ press conference celebrating their $965 million dollar victory over Alex Jones. Conspiracy theorists believe that Parker and other Sandy Hook parents are crisis actors paid by Alex Jones to pretend to hate Jones while offering the Infowars host invaluable mainstream media publicity. According to…

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WEF Withdraws “Eat Bugs” Edict

Recommends Synthetic Insects Instead Dissociated Press The World Economic Forum has withdrawn its demand that people start eating bugs. Klaus Schlob, chair of the WEF’s Dietary Dystopias Committee, called a press conference in Davos yesterday to formally repudiate an earlier WEF communiqué headlined “You Will Eat Bugs and Be Happy.” That document had argued that traditional sources of protein such as meat, dairy, eggs, fish, beans, and nuts are unsustainable and should be abandoned in favor of insect-based protein alternatives including MaggotMeat(TM), cockroach chips, spider spaghetti, lice cream, anty pasto, and other tasty bits of “grub.” “The trouble with real…

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FBI: Trump Stole Nuclear Secrets, Was Building LEGO H-Bomb in Basement

Dissociated Press In the wake of its raid on Mar-a-Lago, the FBI has charged former president Donald Trump with stealing nuclear secrets in order to build a LEGO H-bomb in his basement. “Trump absconded from the White House with one of America’s most closely guarded nuclear weapons secrets—namely, how to build a thousand-megaton H-bomb using simple LEGO bricks available at any Toys R Us,” explained FBI director Christopher Wray. Wray said that the agents who raided Trump’s home found the LEGO nuke instructions in Trump’s safe. “Imagine if this simple step-by-step recipe for building unimaginably destructive weapons out of cheap…

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Zelensky’s Conscription Now Targeting Nursing Homes

Elders Flee for Their Lives Dissociated Press Ukrainian nursing home operators are reporting a surge in walk-offs due to elders’ fears that Zelensky’s increasingly desperate recruiting efforts will target them next. 75-year-old retiree Cadger Starets, who recently went AWOL from the Kladovyshche Nursing Home in Kiev, explained during an interview at an undisclosed location: “They’re already grabbing 50-year-olds off the streets, beaches, shopping malls, ‘checkpoints, gas stations and other public places.’ Looks like they’re coming for us next.” Ukrainian President Vlodomyr Zelensky denied reports that militarily unfit old people are next in line for the press gang treatment. “We understand…

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BREAKING! Georgia Guidestones Attack Suspect Identified

Larry Silverstein, Who Purchased the Guidestones Two Months Ago, Confesses to “Pulling” Them Dissociated Press A suspect has been identified in the demolition of the Georgia Guidestones: 91-year-old New York City businessman Larry Silverstein. Silverstein, in interview for the new PBS documentary “Georgia Rebuilds,” says: “I remember getting a call from the, er, State Police commander telling me they were not sure they could contain the damage. And I said, ‘well, you know, killing seven billion people would be such a terrible loss of life, that maybe the best thing to do is, is pull them. And so they made that…

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Western “Intelligence”: Putin is Sick, Dead, or Worse

Dissociated Press A consortium of Western intelligence agencies has issued an assessment claiming that Russian President Vladimir Putin is sick, dead, or even worse. “Based on the fact that his face looks kind of puffy and he doesn’t smile as much as he didn’t used to, we assess with a high degree of confidence that Putin either has cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, or plague, or most likely some combination of those conditions; or that he is dead and just hasn’t realized it yet; or that he died and has been replaced by the fat guy…

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Biden, Over Chicken Kyiv Lunch, Renames World’s Strategic Waterways

Dissociated Press Shakespeare told us that “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” But President Biden believes names have power. That’s why he renamed his favorite White House luncheon dish “chicken Kyiv,” using the Ukrainian rather than Russian spelling of the Ukrainian capital. Then he upped the ante this afternoon, over chicken Kyiv lunch, by renaming three of the world’s key strategic waterways. “The Black Sea has got to go,” said Biden. “It’s liquid and black. It reminds me too much of a Black Russian, which by the way I have renamed a Black Ukrainian—which as of…

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