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Trump to Pursue Herd Immunity Through COVID-Laced Breakfast Cereal

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has announced his new “herd immunity” plan to defeat the pandemic: A breakfast cereal made of GMO corn, high-fructose corn syrup, COVID-19 virus, and glyphosate and other artificial flavors. “If every child in America ate a bowl of CoronaFlakes every morning,” the President tweeted yesterday, “we could achieve herd immunity in less than two weeks. Back to work, America! Just in time to re-elect me and save me from another bankruptcy and maybe prison.” The herd-immunity-through-cereal strategy was drafted by Trump’s new science advisor, self-taught virologist and defrocked gynecologist Dr. Buster Hymen, inventor of the…

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NDAA Creates New Department of COVIDland Security (DCS)

Dissociated Press An obscure, totally-overlooked provision of the new National Defense Appropriation Act unanimously passed by both houses of Congress yesterday has surreptitiously merged the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, CDC, FAA, ICE, PTA, NBA, NFL, MLB, and USA into a new overarching bureaucracy called DCS: The Department of COVIDland Security. DCS is tasked with “seizing and administering total and complete control of COVIDland” which is defined as “every theater of land, sea, air, earth, and space, as well as any planets, comets asteroids, stars, galaxies, or extradimensional engagement areas (EDEAs) where documented, undocumented, hypothetical, or potential cases of COVID-19…

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Trump to Dead Supporters: Vote Early and Often!

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump is facing a storm of criticism after calling on dead people to vote for him “early and often.” Responding to critics, Trump explained that he was not urging dead people to cast “just ten or twenty” votes each, which would be illegal, and might not work anyway. Instead, he said, each corpse should cast “hundreds or thousands” of votes as a safeguard to make sure that at least one of them is counted. Trump explained that deceased people are routinely discriminated against in the voting process. “That’s one of the Democrats’ ways of rigging elections,”…

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Facebook Bans “Jew Runs Facebook” as Hate Speech

Dissociated Press Facebook announced this morning that its ban on hate speech will be extended to include claims that a Jew owns and operates Facebook. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerb*rg says he may extend the ban to include references to Jews who own and operate other big media companies and banks, and ultimately to any and all assertions that any Jewish person is a Jew. “Calling a Jewish person a ‘Jew’ is an age-old anti-Semitic trope,” Zuckerb*rg explained at a press conference outside the $825 billion dollar personal synagogue he recently built next door to Facebook’s headquarters in San Francisco. “Throughout…

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New Mandatory Vaccine Can Stop the Conspiracy Pandemic

Dissociated Press Guest Editorial by Dick Flaccidopholous, Director, Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories (FUCT) What is your purpose in life? Why do you log in to the office every day? What talking points do you use to convince powerful people with money to give you some? Here at the Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories we have a simple but elegant mission statement: “There are too many gol-danged conspiracy theories! We are FUCT! We’ve got to stop them!” Unfortunately, until now, it was easier said than done. But today, thanks to a new vaccine, all that has changed. The new ConspiraVax…

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Facemasks Not Enough—Now California Mandates Blindfolds Too

Dissociated Press California Governor Gavin Noisome has ordered a statewide mandatory blindfolding policy to help slow the spread of coronavirus. Noisome’s Executive Odor 666-666 requires all citizens to wear blindfolds as well as masks whenever they leave their homes, and revokes all health and religious exemptions from masking and blindfolding. “Studies show that when you blink, your eyelashes scatter tiny droplets of moisture into the atmosphere, potentially contributing to the spread of COVID-19,” Noisome explained at this morning’s press conference. “The best way to stop these moisture droplets is at the source, by wearing a cloth blindfold over your eyes.…

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Ivanka to Hungry Unemployed: “Find Something New to Eat”

Dissociated Press In a stirring statement sure to lift the flagging spirits of America’s tens of millions of unemployed people, Ivanka Trump has reminded them that there are still plenty of worms, insects, garbage, and other free food sources available. “All it takes is some good old fashioned American gumption, creativity, and can-do spirit,” Ivanka said at the press rollout for her Find Something New to Eat campaign. “There has never been a more critical time for Americans of all ages and backgrounds to be aware of the multiple pathways to caloric and nutritional sustenance in an increasingly automated, COVID-devastated…

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Astral Projection Association Recommends Maintaining at Least Six Feet Social Distance from Yourself at All Times

Dissociated Press The Astral Projection Association has issued a new set of coronavirus guidelines recommending that for the duration of the crisis, all members should enter a permanent state of astral projection and maintain at least six feet of social distance from their physical bodies. “Authorities are now recommending wearing masks even inside your own home,” said APA president B.B. Buggurburg. “But from our perspective, that doesn’t go nearly far enough. To help stop the spread of this dread disease, you need to stay at least six feet away from your physical body.” Buggurburg explained that it is the physical…

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DeSean Jackson’s “Draconian Punishment for Misquoting Hitler”: Traded Back to Washington R*dsk*ns

Dissociated Press The Nazi Anti-Defamation League (NADL) has awarded Philadelphia Eagles owner Jeff Lurie its highest award, the Knight of the Iron Cross, for inflicting “the most severe punishment imaginable” on wide receiver DeSean Jackson: trading him back to the Washington R*dsk*ns. “DeSean Jackson must not be allowed to misquote the sacred words of der Fuhrer with impunity,” explained NADL head Jonathan Groinbutt. “This trade sends a message that any NFL player who doesn’t treat Hitler with proper respect will soon find himself playing for a garbage franchise whose politically-incorrect name stinks so badly it needs to be asterisked like…

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