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New York Times: Trump Asked Advisors if He Could Fellate Netanyahu Before He Leaves Office

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump last week asked senior aides what possibilities he had for performing fellatio on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, The New York Times reported Monday. Citing four current and former US officials, the paper reported that the meeting occurred in the Oval Office on Thursday. The source said Trump asked his highest-ranking national security advisers whether they thought  that after freeing Jonathan Pollard, trying to start a nuclear war with Iran for Israel, officially labeling BDS “anti-Semitic,” and  sending Pompeo to bless war criminal settlements, he should just go ahead and blow Bibi at the Wailing Wall and…

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Pompeo Adds Details on “Smooth Transition to Second Trump Administration”

Dissociated Press Secretary of Snake Mike Pompeo called an impromptu press conference this morning to explain the coming “smooth transition to a second Trump Administration.” “The courts will smoothly move to nullify election results in key swing states,” Pompeo explained. “Republican state legislatures will, with equal smoothness, refuse to send Democratic delegates to the Electoral College. The Supreme Court will smoothly step in and throw the election to the House, where the state-by-state vote will smoothly award the presidency to that old smoothie Donald J. Trump.” Pompeo said the “smooth transition” would then get even smoother: Massive anti-Trump demonstrations all…

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Trump Reveals “Absolute Proof Election Was Stolen”

Dissociated Press Donald Trump stunned the nation this morning by unveiling what he called “absolute proof” the election was stolen. Trump produced Michael Connell II, the GOP’s Voting Machine Adjustment Czar, who swore on a Satanic Bible that he had rigged the machines to produce a narrow Trump victory in key swing states, along with a close enough election nationwide to make it plausible. But the evil, cheating Democrats, Connell II explained, undid all of his hard work by “pulling an unexpectedly large number of mail-in ballots out of their, er, party symbol.” Trump snatched the microphone away from Connell…

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Trump to Pursue Herd Immunity Through COVID-Laced Breakfast Cereal

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has announced his new “herd immunity” plan to defeat the pandemic: A breakfast cereal made of GMO corn, high-fructose corn syrup, COVID-19 virus, and glyphosate and other artificial flavors. “If every child in America ate a bowl of CoronaFlakes every morning,” the President tweeted yesterday, “we could achieve herd immunity in less than two weeks. Back to work, America! Just in time to re-elect me and save me from another bankruptcy and maybe prison.” The herd-immunity-through-cereal strategy was drafted by Trump’s new science advisor, self-taught virologist and defrocked gynecologist Dr. Buster Hymen, inventor of the…

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NDAA Creates New Department of COVIDland Security (DCS)

Dissociated Press An obscure, totally-overlooked provision of the new National Defense Appropriation Act unanimously passed by both houses of Congress yesterday has surreptitiously merged the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, CDC, FAA, ICE, PTA, NBA, NFL, MLB, and USA into a new overarching bureaucracy called DCS: The Department of COVIDland Security. DCS is tasked with “seizing and administering total and complete control of COVIDland” which is defined as “every theater of land, sea, air, earth, and space, as well as any planets, comets asteroids, stars, galaxies, or extradimensional engagement areas (EDEAs) where documented, undocumented, hypothetical, or potential cases of COVID-19…

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Trump to Dead Supporters: Vote Early and Often!

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump is facing a storm of criticism after calling on dead people to vote for him “early and often.” Responding to critics, Trump explained that he was not urging dead people to cast “just ten or twenty” votes each, which would be illegal, and might not work anyway. Instead, he said, each corpse should cast “hundreds or thousands” of votes as a safeguard to make sure that at least one of them is counted. Trump explained that deceased people are routinely discriminated against in the voting process. “That’s one of the Democrats’ ways of rigging elections,”…

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Facebook Bans “Jew Runs Facebook” as Hate Speech

Dissociated Press Facebook announced this morning that its ban on hate speech will be extended to include claims that a Jew owns and operates Facebook. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerb*rg says he may extend the ban to include references to Jews who own and operate other big media companies and banks, and ultimately to any and all assertions that any Jewish person is a Jew. “Calling a Jewish person a ‘Jew’ is an age-old anti-Semitic trope,” Zuckerb*rg explained at a press conference outside the $825 billion dollar personal synagogue he recently built next door to Facebook’s headquarters in San Francisco. “Throughout…

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New Mandatory Vaccine Can Stop the Conspiracy Pandemic

Dissociated Press Guest Editorial by Dick Flaccidopholous, Director, Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories (FUCT) What is your purpose in life? Why do you log in to the office every day? What talking points do you use to convince powerful people with money to give you some? Here at the Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories we have a simple but elegant mission statement: “There are too many gol-danged conspiracy theories! We are FUCT! We’ve got to stop them!” Unfortunately, until now, it was easier said than done. But today, thanks to a new vaccine, all that has changed. The new ConspiraVax…

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Facemasks Not Enough—Now California Mandates Blindfolds Too

Dissociated Press California Governor Gavin Noisome has ordered a statewide mandatory blindfolding policy to help slow the spread of coronavirus. Noisome’s Executive Odor 666-666 requires all citizens to wear blindfolds as well as masks whenever they leave their homes, and revokes all health and religious exemptions from masking and blindfolding. “Studies show that when you blink, your eyelashes scatter tiny droplets of moisture into the atmosphere, potentially contributing to the spread of COVID-19,” Noisome explained at this morning’s press conference. “The best way to stop these moisture droplets is at the source, by wearing a cloth blindfold over your eyes.…

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