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Dear San Francisco: Please pay me not to shoot people. How do I apply?

Dissociated Press Emailed a few minutes ago: Dear San Francisco Human Rights Commission, According to Newsweek magazine, your “new program in San Fransisco (sic) will pay people at high risk of shooting someone not to pull the trigger to help alleviate rising gun violence in the city. The Dream Keeper Fellowship is set to launch in October and pay 10 individuals $300 each month to not be involved in shootings, Sheryl Davis executive director of the Human Rights Commission told Newsweek in an interview Tuesday.” I like that idea. But $300 a month, no matter how many people you don’t…

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Woke Resistance to the Taliban Begins Now! Rainbow Flags Sprout Like Poppies in Hindu Kush

By Akhmadijah Masjoud, for the Washington Pooft Dissociated  Press In 1998, when I was a 9 year old boy who identified as two girls, my father, the mujuhideen commander Ahmad Shah Masjoud, gathered his gender-confused soldiers in a nightclub of dubious repute in the Pansyjhir Valley of northern Afghanistan. They sat around in dresses and high heels and listened as my father’s very special friend, bisexual Zionist philosopher Bernard-Henri Lévy, lisped: “When you fight for your freedom to dreth up in womenth clothing,” Lévy said, “you fight also for our freedom to be ruled by Zionitht thexual blackmailerth like Jeffrey…

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Zuckerberg: Facebook’s new prayer app will spy on God, steal His data

Dissociated Press Speaking at a press conference near the site of the planned Facebook Temple in Occupied Jerusalem, Facebook Grand Inquisitor Mark Zuckerberg has announced the rollout of a new prayer tool that he hopes will give him exclusive access to God’s private communications: “You’ve got to think big in this business, you’ve got to move fast and break things. We’ve already stolen everybody on Earth’s data and made a fortune on all those dumb fucks. So why not God’s?” Zuckerberg bragged that his IT engineers have managed to breach God’s privacy firewall. “God, unlike the dumb fucks He created,…

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Final Solution to Israel’s Jewish Problem

Watch the bowdlerized YouTube version of FFWN above, or the full uncensored show HERE By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor Israel has a problem. A Jewish problem. A very Jewish problem. Israel is having difficulty figuring out who’s Jewish and who isn’t. And that’s a problem. Because it’s important. Those deemed “Jews” get rights, the others get left out. For example, Israel won’t let its gold medalist Artem Dolgopyat get married. Why not? Because the Chief Rabbinate says he isn’t Jewish. Dolgopyat’s dad is Jewish. But his mom is not. According to the Rabbinate, you need a Jewish mother to…

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Vax Resisters Need Experimental Capital Punishment Therapy

A Modest Proposal Guest op-ed by Dr. Joe Gubbles, New York Times Vaccine Compliance Messaging Czar Dissociated Press As our obligatory five minutes of hate lingers into five days, five weeks, five months or even five years of hate for the irresponsible nincompoops who refuse experimental gene therapy, we are going to have to stop dangling carrots in front of their noses and start beating the hell out of them with sticks. Unfortunately, these people are stubborn, so even walloping them black and blue with a thick oak stave probably won’t convince them. We could always send police to grab…

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In Which We Blaspheme Against the Sacred Vax, the Holy WHO, and the Infallible Dr. Fauci

Above is the YouTube-safe, VT-safe False Flag Weekly News. Watch the full uncensored “blasphemous” version, complete with links to the stories, HERE. By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor Presbyterian minister John Shuck and I committed blasphemy in our introduction to this week’s False Flag Weekly News. If we had merely cursed God and His Prophets, spewed four-letter epithets for fornication and feces, urinated on sacred objects, and otherwise indulged in edgy Jewish comedy and avant-garde artistic expression, YouTube wouldn’t have cared. But we did something worse…vastly worse. We blasphemed against the sacred vax, the Holy WHO, and the infallible Dr.…

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Prince Philip gets his wish, reincarnates as deadly virus

Dissociated Press The British Royal Family disclosed this morning that the late Prince Philip, who passed away last Friday, has already achieved his fondest wish and succeeded in reincarnating as a deadly virus. A statement from Buckingham Palace, issued shortly before noon, said: “It is with great pride and appreciation that Her Majesty the Queen announces the reincarnation of her beloved husband, his deceased Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, as a deadly virus.” The British government announced that after the requisite eight days of national mourning of Philip’s passing, there would follow eight days of joyous celebration of…

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Krispy Kreme Now Offering 10 FREE DONUTS PER DAY to Anyone Vaccinated for COVID

Dissociated Press Thanks to a 10 billion dollar grant from the Bill and Melinda Gates Depopulation Fund, Krispy Kreme Donuts is upping the ante and raising its vaccination bribe for people who show their vaccination card. Instead of just one donut per day, Krispy Kreme will now feed you ten donuts per day for the rest of 2021 if you can prove you’ve been vaccinated. “The vaccine hasn’t been killing people fast enough,” Gates explained, “and its anti-fertility effects, alongside those of the virus, haven’t been sufficient to promote the kind of depopulation that Melinda and I would like to…

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Football Is Anti-Semitic. Here’s How to Fix It.

Dissociated Press Guest op-ed by Jonathan Greenbutt, Anti-Defecation League Anti-Semitism in sports is totally out of control. First, NBA power forward Leonard Myers unknowingly used an obsolete slur while playing a video game. Then the Duxbury Durchgangslagers, a Massachussetts high school football team, got caught calling Nazi plays. Fortunately the coach was fired. He’ll never work in this town again. Nor will any of his players, nor the cheerleaders, nor anybody else from that school. Even the janitor will never mop floors again. They’re on our list, and they’ll never get off. Satisfying as such punishments are, they don’t address the…

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NBA Player Will Clean Toilets for 5 Years to Atone for Shouting Anti-Irish Slur

Which Proves There Is No Such Thing as “Irish Power” Dissociated Press Leonard Meyers, 29-year-old power forward for the Alaska Cool, has been traded to Siberia, where he will clean toilets for a new Russian NBA franchise for five years to atone for shouting an anti-Irish slur while playing a video game. Myers found himself embroiled in controversy earlier this month after he repeatedly screamed the anti-Irish expletive “mick” while playing the popular “Stone the Stones” video game. The game involves players throwing rocks at members of a famous rock band, with points awarded for direct hits. The former NBA…

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