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Trump Banned from Twitter after Homophobic Attack on Pete Buttigieg

Dissociated Press After repeatedly tweeting inflammatory attacks on blacks, Muslims, hispanics, women, Democrats, Trump-haters, and other minority groups, President Trump has finally been banned from Twitter—for homophobia. His offense: Yesterday’s tweet featuring a homophobic limerick attacking Democratic presidential contender Pete Buttigieg. The closure of Trump’s account marks the first time that a head of state has ever been banned from a major social media platform. Twitter spokestwit Tuinda Twatt tweeted: “After years of ponderously sincere reflection, Twitter has finally decided that the President has crossed the line. Attacks on the excretory organs of homosexuals cannot and must not be tolerated.”…

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Jews seek $500 trillion in global persecution reparations

Dissociated Press Following Israel’s demand for $250 billion  in reparations from Arab nations, the World Jewish Congress (otherwise known as WorldJewCon, or WJC) has upped the ante, demanding an additional $500 trillion in persecution reparations from the entire world. WJC spokesman Rob Sheisterstein announced the demand from his royal penthouse suite atop the Hotel President Wilson in Geneva, Switzerland. (The Hotel Wilson, alongside the other 82 five-star hotels in Switzerland, was recently donated in perpetuity as partial reparations for the Swiss role in the Holocaust.) “Holocaust reparations? Mazel Tov. Arab reparations? Double-plus Mazel Tov,” Sheisterstein enthused. “But why stop there?…

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Trump to Tlaib: Don’t Be Vulgar!

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump, profoundly shocked to the very core of his being by a vulgarity uttered about him by Rep. Rashida Tlaib, has issued a statement begging Rep. Tlaib, and all other Americans, to “stop being so vulgar.” “We must eschew all forms of vulgarity,” Trump solemly intoned from his White House pulpit. The august, esteemed, and decorous President of the United States of America then proceeded to lightly chide Rep. Tlaib for her intemperate remark by reciting from memory one of his favorite passages from the classics: “Good taste or bad is revealed in everything we are, do,…

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Preschoolers to teach sex education to college professors

  Dissociated Press The National Association of Preschoolers (NAP) has issued a statement urging all American university professors to enroll in a new remedial sex education program. The preschoolers will be offering “gender clarity for eggheads” classes at pre-kindergarten educational  institutions nationwide beginning in January. NAP spokestoddler Sally S. explained: “Grown-ups are so silly. Some grown-ups don’t know boys have penises and girls have vaginas. We are going to tell them so they know.” OK folks that’s it. I just don’t have the heart to write any more satire. I was going to try to satirize this story: “YPSILANTI, MI…

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Farrakhan compares Trump to Satan — Satan demands apology

Dissociated Press Responding to a report that Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan had compared him to Donald Trump, Satan has issued an angry statement demanding an apology. At a heavily-attended press conference (hell is full of journalists who are forced to attend press conferences for all eternity) the Prince of Evil inveighed against Farrakhan for making an unfair and hurtful comparison. “I am the world’s greatest liar,” the Devil sneered. “Just because Trump lies all the time, he’s like me? Give me a break! Trump is the world’s second worst liar, almost as bad as his buddy Bin Salman. He…

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Test your internet IQ: Did Kavanagh REALLY Convert to Judaism?

I recently heard that someone fact-checked my article Kavanagh converts to Judaism to save Supreme Court nomination: Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral. My friend D got an email from his Christian Zionist friend T as follows: D, I’ve done a fact check on the claim that Kavanagh is to convert to Judaism and I could find no credible evidence to support it – all I find were vague and obscure web sites about all manner of wacky unsubstantiated theories based on innuendo, speculation and assumptions that lead to erroneous conclusions, mainly to do with Left wing conspiracies that…

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Kavanagh converts to Judaism to save Supreme Court nomination

Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral Dissociated Press In the latest shocking turn of events in an increasingly twisted saga, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanagh has announced his impending conversion to Judaism. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference on the Capitol steps, Kavanagh said he will undergo a conversion ceremony, including a public circumcision by top Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi Yehuda Karinski, at the National Cathedral in Washington DC beginning at noon tomorrow. “Henri IV said Paris was well worth a mass. I say a Supreme Court seat is well worth a public whacking. By converting to Judaism…

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Saudis recognize women’s right to be beheaded

Riyadh, “Saudi” Arabia Dissociated Press In a major breakthrough for women’s rights in the desert kingdom, Clown Prince Bin Salman (BS) has issued an edict proclaiming that henceforth women will have full and equal rights to be beheaded. “There is no place in a modern, air-conditioned country like ours for archaic relics of the medieval past,” BS announced at a press conference beside the gallows in Chop-Chop Square in downtown Riyadh. “For too long we have discriminated against peaceful female dissidents. Are not their heads worth every bit as much as those of their male counterparts? Beginning today, a woman…

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Subjexuals Rights Movement Recognized at University of Minnesota

“Use the FIRST PERSON pronoun when referring to us, or else!” Dissociated Press The University of Minnesota has become the first American campus to recognize the rights of subjexuals, a class of oppressed persons who identify as first person pronouns. The decision modifies the previous policy, under which students were only allowed to choose from a list of third person pronouns on the campus website: He/him/his, none, prefer not to specify, she/her/hers, they/them/theirs, or ze/zir/zirs. They could also specify their gender identity as one of the following: Agender, gender nonconforming, genderqueer, man, nonbinary, prefer not to specify, two spirit, woman,…

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ISIS threatens Alex Jones: “Grow that beard longer or WE WILL BEHEAD YOU!”

Dissociated Press Is ISIS plotting an attack on Alex Jones? In a new video released by Rita Kuntz of SHITE Intelligence Group, a vicious-looking villain with a big black bushy shariah-compliant beard brandishes a glittering scimitar and inveighs against the popular talk show host’s “pathetic scruffy little attempt to produce facial hair.” “While we appreciate Alex’s decision to convert to Islam, signified by his effort to put some manly hair on that pudgy little baby face, the fact is that to be fully shariah compliant, beards need to be at least 16 centimeters in length,” scowling ISIS spokesvillain Abdul Ibn…

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