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Zelensky’s Conscription Now Targeting Nursing Homes

Elders Flee for Their Lives Dissociated Press Ukrainian nursing home operators are reporting a surge in walk-offs due to elders’ fears that Zelensky’s increasingly desperate recruiting efforts will target them next. 75-year-old retiree Cadger Starets, who recently went AWOL from the Kladovyshche Nursing Home in Kiev, explained during an interview at an undisclosed location: “They’re already grabbing 50-year-olds off the streets, beaches, shopping malls, ‘checkpoints, gas stations and other public places.’ Looks like they’re coming for us next.” Ukrainian President Vlodomyr Zelensky denied reports that militarily unfit old people are next in line for the press gang treatment. “We understand…

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Western “Intelligence”: Putin is Sick, Dead, or Worse

Dissociated Press A consortium of Western intelligence agencies has issued an assessment claiming that Russian President Vladimir Putin is sick, dead, or even worse. “Based on the fact that his face looks kind of puffy and he doesn’t smile as much as he didn’t used to, we assess with a high degree of confidence that Putin either has cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, or plague, or most likely some combination of those conditions; or that he is dead and just hasn’t realized it yet; or that he died and has been replaced by the fat guy…

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Biden, Over Chicken Kyiv Lunch, Renames World’s Strategic Waterways

Dissociated Press Shakespeare told us that “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” But President Biden believes names have power. That’s why he renamed his favorite White House luncheon dish “chicken Kyiv,” using the Ukrainian rather than Russian spelling of the Ukrainian capital. Then he upped the ante this afternoon, over chicken Kyiv lunch, by renaming three of the world’s key strategic waterways. “The Black Sea has got to go,” said Biden. “It’s liquid and black. It reminds me too much of a Black Russian, which by the way I have renamed a Black Ukrainian—which as of…

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BREAKING! Monkeypox Virus Escapes, Simian Death Syndrome (SDS) Cases Soar

Biden Blames Putin, Calls for Vaccines and More Aid to Ukraine Dissociated Press The Center for Disease Scares (CDS) has issued a new warning that the dreaded monkeypox—a highly contagious illness that makes monkeys of men and women—is spreading across America. At a hastily-arranged  press conference in the monkey house of the National Zoo at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, President Joe Biden and his Chief Medical Ape Anthony Fauci called for Americans to unite in shared sacrifice to defeat the dread disease. “I have ordered the purchase of more than 500 million doses of experimental monkeypox injections from my…

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McDonalds Leaves Russia—Russians Gain Four Years of Life Expectancy

Dissociated Press The Russian Ministry of Health announced Tuesday that McDonalds’ decision to leave Russia is expected to add more than four years to the average Russian’s life expectancy. Studies undertaken by the University of Moscow School of Health Issues and Troubles (UMSHIT) show that when the drunken buffoon Boris Yeltsin took over Russia after the CIA coup of 1991, Russian men lost almost a decade of life expectancy. Originally it was thought that the looting of Russia by CIA-affiliated Zionist billionaire oligarchs had destroyed life-support systems for food, utilities, and other infrastructure, and that Russians were so depressed about…

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CDC Issues COVID Vaccine Recommendation for Fetuses

Holds Off on Embryos and Gametes for Now Dissociated Press The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention updated its recommendations for the Pfizer/BioNTech Covid-19 vaccines on Wednesday to include not only children ages 0 to 5, but also fetuses from age negative seven months until birth. CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) voted 13-1 earlier Wednesday in favor of recommending Covid-19 immunizations for children and fetuses in both age groups, while postponing a decision on embryos aged negative nine months to negative seven months, and gametes of all ages and chromosomal genders. “It is critical that we protect our…

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“Freedom From Choice” Movement Demands Mandatory Vaccinations Against Free Will

Dissociated Press The debate over mandatory vaccinations just got even stickier, as a new group is demanding the roll-out of mandatory universal vaccinations against free will. “Obligatory COVID vaccinations may alleviate symptoms, but they don’t address the root cause of the disease,” explained Dr. Dee Turmanist, founder of the Freedom From Freedom Foundation (FFFF). “The real problem isn’t vaccine hesitancy, it’s the freedom of choice that makes vaccine hesitancy—and other choices I don’t agree with—possible.” Dr. Termanist explained that according to the materialist philosophy underlying the modern scientific paradigm, free will should not exist: “And if something shouldn’t exist, it’s…

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Will Vaxx Wars “Go Nuclear” in 2022? (write-up based on this week’s FFWN)

Watch the full uncensored FFWN HERE By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor The top story of the last week of 2021: Putin and Biden spent almost an hour on the special “save the world from nuclear destruction hotline” doing a remake of President Merkin Muffley’s emergency call to Premier Kissoff in Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove. Putin’s message: If Biden doesn’t call back the first strike weapons Gen. Jack D. Ripper is sending to Russia’s borders, get ready for…the Doomsday Machine. Speaking of Doomsday Machines….which is the real Doomsday Machine, the virus or the vaccine? The latter looks more and more likely,…

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Bill Gates Apologizes for Smallpox Vial in his Refrigerator

Dissociated Press Emerging disease magnate Bill Gates has issued a heartfelt apology for keeping a vial of smallpox virus in his refrigerator. At a press conference held at the spaceport on the roof of his 300-acre Seattle mansion, Gates explained that he simply likes to collect things, especially rare and dangerous diseases, and that he never intended to uncork the vial and unleash the scourge—at least not unless his bioweapon/vaccine depopulation efforts fail. The smallpox vial was discovered by one of Gates’ maids while she was cleaning the filthy, mold-encrusted refrigerator. A tearful Gates, trying his best to sob exactly…

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Dear San Francisco: Please pay me not to shoot people. How do I apply?

Dissociated Press Emailed a few minutes ago: Dear San Francisco Human Rights Commission, According to Newsweek magazine, your “new program in San Fransisco (sic) will pay people at high risk of shooting someone not to pull the trigger to help alleviate rising gun violence in the city. The Dream Keeper Fellowship is set to launch in October and pay 10 individuals $300 each month to not be involved in shootings, Sheryl Davis executive director of the Human Rights Commission told Newsweek in an interview Tuesday.” I like that idea. But $300 a month, no matter how many people you don’t…

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