You are here

Trump Reveals “Absolute Proof Election Was Stolen”

Dissociated Press Donald Trump stunned the nation this morning by unveiling what he called “absolute proof” the election was stolen. Trump produced Michael Connell II, the GOP’s Voting Machine Adjustment Czar, who swore on a Satanic Bible that he had rigged the machines to produce a narrow Trump victory in key swing states, along with a close enough election nationwide to make it plausible. But the evil, cheating Democrats, Connell II explained, undid all of his hard work by “pulling an unexpectedly large number of mail-in ballots out of their, er, party symbol.” Trump snatched the microphone away from Connell…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump to Pursue Herd Immunity Through COVID-Laced Breakfast Cereal

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has announced his new “herd immunity” plan to defeat the pandemic: A breakfast cereal made of GMO corn, high-fructose corn syrup, COVID-19 virus, and glyphosate and other artificial flavors. “If every child in America ate a bowl of CoronaFlakes every morning,” the President tweeted yesterday, “we could achieve herd immunity in less than two weeks. Back to work, America! Just in time to re-elect me and save me from another bankruptcy and maybe prison.” The herd-immunity-through-cereal strategy was drafted by Trump’s new science advisor, self-taught virologist and defrocked gynecologist Dr. Buster Hymen, inventor of the…

FULL ARTICLE

NDAA Creates New Department of COVIDland Security (DCS)

Dissociated Press An obscure, totally-overlooked provision of the new National Defense Appropriation Act unanimously passed by both houses of Congress yesterday has surreptitiously merged the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, CDC, FAA, ICE, PTA, NBA, NFL, MLB, and USA into a new overarching bureaucracy called DCS: The Department of COVIDland Security. DCS is tasked with “seizing and administering total and complete control of COVIDland” which is defined as “every theater of land, sea, air, earth, and space, as well as any planets, comets asteroids, stars, galaxies, or extradimensional engagement areas (EDEAs) where documented, undocumented, hypothetical, or potential cases of COVID-19…

FULL ARTICLE

New Mandatory Vaccine Can Stop the Conspiracy Pandemic

Dissociated Press Guest Editorial by Dick Flaccidopholous, Director, Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories (FUCT) What is your purpose in life? Why do you log in to the office every day? What talking points do you use to convince powerful people with money to give you some? Here at the Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories we have a simple but elegant mission statement: “There are too many gol-danged conspiracy theories! We are FUCT! We’ve got to stop them!” Unfortunately, until now, it was easier said than done. But today, thanks to a new vaccine, all that has changed. The new ConspiraVax…

FULL ARTICLE

Facemasks Not Enough—Now California Mandates Blindfolds Too

Dissociated Press California Governor Gavin Noisome has ordered a statewide mandatory blindfolding policy to help slow the spread of coronavirus. Noisome’s Executive Odor 666-666 requires all citizens to wear blindfolds as well as masks whenever they leave their homes, and revokes all health and religious exemptions from masking and blindfolding. “Studies show that when you blink, your eyelashes scatter tiny droplets of moisture into the atmosphere, potentially contributing to the spread of COVID-19,” Noisome explained at this morning’s press conference. “The best way to stop these moisture droplets is at the source, by wearing a cloth blindfold over your eyes.…

FULL ARTICLE

Ivanka to Hungry Unemployed: “Find Something New to Eat”

Dissociated Press In a stirring statement sure to lift the flagging spirits of America’s tens of millions of unemployed people, Ivanka Trump has reminded them that there are still plenty of worms, insects, garbage, and other free food sources available. “All it takes is some good old fashioned American gumption, creativity, and can-do spirit,” Ivanka said at the press rollout for her Find Something New to Eat campaign. “There has never been a more critical time for Americans of all ages and backgrounds to be aware of the multiple pathways to caloric and nutritional sustenance in an increasingly automated, COVID-devastated…

FULL ARTICLE

Astral Projection Association Recommends Maintaining at Least Six Feet Social Distance from Yourself at All Times

Dissociated Press The Astral Projection Association has issued a new set of coronavirus guidelines recommending that for the duration of the crisis, all members should enter a permanent state of astral projection and maintain at least six feet of social distance from their physical bodies. “Authorities are now recommending wearing masks even inside your own home,” said APA president B.B. Buggurburg. “But from our perspective, that doesn’t go nearly far enough. To help stop the spread of this dread disease, you need to stay at least six feet away from your physical body.” Buggurburg explained that it is the physical…

FULL ARTICLE

Professor Fired for Tweeting “All Lives Matter” Rehired After Recanting and Admitting “No Lives Matter”

Dissociated Press Philosophy Professor Fuddley Dudwhump of Miskatonic University, fired last week for tweeting “all lives matter,” was rehired yesterday after his tearful recantation was viewed thousands of times on YouTube, eliciting dozens of favorable comments. “I was wrong, so terribly, awfully wrong,” Dudwhump sobs in the video. “What ever could have made me tweet ‘all lives matter?’ That is a horrific, insensitive thing to say. And what’s more, it is obviously not true. The truth, of course, is that ‘no lives matter.’ We are mere specks of animated mud, crawling like microscopic insects across the face of slightly-better-than-average but…

FULL ARTICLE

Mutant COVID Strain Blocks Smell of New World Odor

Dissociated Press If you can’t perceive anything fishy about Jeffrey Epstein’s “suicide,” haven’t noticed the rancid stench surrounding Black Rock and the $7 trillion COVID swindle, are still oblivious to the whiff of bankster-driven biological warfare, and generally find it difficult to sniff out wrongdoing in high places, you should immediately get tested for COVID-1984—a new mutant virus that selectively targets the ability to perceive specific aromas, especially the smell of rank bullshit. “COVID-1984 was deliberately unleashed by the Chinese government when they let it accidentally escape the Wuhan laboratory and emerge naturally from animals to infect innocent New Yorkers…

FULL ARTICLE

Minneapolis Mayor: Rioters Must Practice Social Distancing and Wear Masks or Risk Arrest

Dissociated Press Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey has ordered rioters to wear medical masks and remain at least six feet apart while smashing windows, overturning automobiles, setting fire to buildings, and attacking police officers and national guard troops or risk being fined — or even arrested. “We understand that after two months of being locked down in their homes with no paycheck and insufficient toilet paper, people feel a need to get outside and express their legitimate anger by destroying things and attacking law enforcement officers,” Frey said at a press conference outside City Hall. “But they need to remember that…

FULL ARTICLE
1 2 3 9