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Antisemitism Is Pervasive and Ubiquitous Throughout Universe, Says Jewish Physicist

Dissociated Press Dr. Franck Einshtein, Director of Harvard University’s Jeffrey Epstein Institute for the Investigation of Fundamental Physical Forces, has announced the discovery of a fifth fundamental force, which he terms the antisemitism force. “Until this morning, it was believed that the universe is shaped by only four fundamental forces: gravity, electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force, and the weak nuclear force. But my team has discovered a crucially important fifth force: antisemitism!” Dr. Einshtein enthused at a hastily-arranged Epstein Institute press conference. Einshtein explained that many of the universe’s deepest mysteries can only be explained by invoking the antisemitism force…

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Intergalactic Holocaust Remembrance Committee: Forget the Parking Lot! Earth to Be Demolished to Make Way for Holocaust Museum

Dissociated Press The Intergalactic Holocaust Remembrance Committee (IHRC) has announced that Earth will be demolished next Tuesday at 11 a.m. to make way for the construction of a new Intergalactic Holocaust Museum. Prostetnic Vogonowitcz Jeltzstein, president of the IHRC and de facto ruler of the universe, announced the news in a message simultaneously broadcast to every audio device on Earth: “This is Prostetnic Vogonowitcz Jeltzstein of the Intergalactic Holocaust Remembrance Committee. As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of Holocaust museums throughout your star system. And…

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Netanyahu Announces “Final Solution to Antisemitism Problem”

Dissociated Press Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu, flanked by tag-team partners “Butcher” Ben Gvir and “Smite-’em” Smotrich, announced at a press conference this morning that the Israeli government has officially embarked on “a final solution to the anti-Semitism problem.” “The problem with anti-Semitism,” Netanyahu explained, “is that there isn’t nearly enough of it. Despite Judaism’s 3000-year history of hatred and persecution of non-Jews, there are still billions of goyim out there who don’t hate us. So when we kvetch about anti-Semitism and demand things in return, like reparations money and tolerance for genocide, there just isn’t enough anti-Semitism out there…

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Lysergic Rabbis Seek Neon Pink Heifer that Excretes Electric Pink Cowpies

Dissociated Press A psychedelic group associated with Israel’s Turd Temple movement has announced a million dollar reward for anyone who can locate “a neon pink heifer that excretes electric pink cowpies.” “We need a bobalicious bovine babe that’s just the right shade of pink through and through, inside and out” explained Schitzak Bovinovitch of Psychedelic Cowboy Rabbis for Lysergic Armageddon (PCRLA), a syncretic sect inspired by Yehuda Glick, Timothy Leary, and a mutant AI doppelganger god known to initiates as “Saffron Sam.” Bovinovitch, born Atticus J. Westwood in Dripping Springs, Texas, changed his name and his life when he visited…

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Anti-Semitism Explosion Threatens Known Universe

Dissociated Press The newly released Annual Antisemitism Worldwide Report for 2023 has revealed a disturbing increase in anti-Semitism across major Western nations compared to the previous year. The Report is based on a survey in which respondents were asked to endorse four major anti-Semitic tropes. The first trope, “Jews will steal anything that isn’t nailed down,” was endorsed by a horrifying 68% of people surveyed—an increase of seven percent over 2022. “But it’s even worse than that,” explained Jonathan Greenbutt of the Anti-Defecation League. “Using follow-up questions, we discovered that most people who disagreed with the statement did so because…

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What Five Places Should You Not Visit When Visiting Europe?

Quora 1) If you ever visit the catacombs of Paris, do NOT enter La caverne des rats mutants. They will strip the flesh off your bones, which will then be stacked alongside the others. (Where do you think all those bones came from?) 2) Another deadly French tourist trap is Les sables mouvants d’Olonne (the quicksands of Olonne). It looks like a normal beach, but as you spread out your beach towel, you notice you’ve sunk in up to your knees, then your hips, and then…well, it’s better not to think about it. 3) In London, there is a secret…

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Netanyahu Says Trying, Convicting, and Executing Him Would Be “An Anti-Semitic Hate Crime”

Dissociated Press It would be an “unprecedented antisemitic hate crime” for the International Criminal Court to issue a warrant for his arrest, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said on Tuesday. It would be “even more anti-Semitic and hateful”  if he were actually arrested, extradited, and convicted of genocide, he added. “But the most horrifically anti-Semitic act of all,” Netanyahu somberly intoned, “would be for me to be executed. Executing me for the crime of genocide would be the equivalent of spray-painting a swastika on a synagogue wall, or doubting the existence of homicidal gas chambers at Auschwitz. It would be like…

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Quora: What is the future of Jews?

Quora link Jews have a very bright future. After exterminating the Palestinians, the Jewish State will demolish the al-Aqsa Mosque and start sacrificing pink heifers in a “rebuilt” blood sacrifice temple. This will cause the Messiah to descend from the clouds to rule the earth from a throne soaked in pink heifer blood. The Messiah will lead the Jews to glorious world conquest. They will start by seizing all the land between the Nile and Euphrates rivers and exterminating the Arab untermenschen who currently live there. Then they will expand their state to encompass the known world, and later the…

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US Congress Bans Words “River” and “Sea” as Hate Speech

Dissociated Press The US House of Representatives on Wednesday voted 377-44 to condemn the words “river” and “sea”  as hate speech. The new bill imposes fines of up to six million dollars, and prison terms of six million years to life, for the use of the two anti-Semitic expressions. The bill includes a provision requiring that all flowing bodies of water previously designated as R’s be renamed as watercourses, waterways, streams, tributaries, brooks, inlets, rivulets, rills, runnels, streamlets, freshlets, canals, channels, bourns, creeks, rillets, or billabongs. Another provision mandates that S’s be henceforth referred to as oceans, saltwater expanses, gulfs, briny…

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ADL-Backed Legislation Would Ban the Word “Genocide”

Dissociated Press Legislation banning the word “genocide” has been simultaneously introduced in the US Congress, the Canadian parliament, and dozens of states, provinces, and European countries. The flagship bill is the Countering Antisemitism Act, “the most far-reaching anti-Semitism initiative to be introduced in Congress” according to the ADL. It defines anti-Semitism as “any critical or negative statement about Jews or Israel,” and provides stiff fines and prison sentences for those who commit anti-Semitic transgressions, including the use of forbidden words. “The word ‘genocide’ is an anti-Semitic term, because it delegitimizes a 2500 year old Jewish religious practice,” explained ADL spokes-Semite Shlomo…

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