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Professor Fired for Tweeting “All Lives Matter” Rehired After Recanting and Admitting “No Lives Matter”

Dissociated Press Philosophy Professor Fuddley Dudwhump of Miskatonic University, fired last week for tweeting “all lives matter,” was rehired yesterday after his tearful recantation was viewed thousands of times on YouTube, eliciting dozens of favorable comments. “I was wrong, so terribly, awfully wrong,” Dudwhump sobs in the video. “What ever could have made me tweet ‘all lives matter?’ That is a horrific, insensitive thing to say. And what’s more, it is obviously not true. The truth, of course, is that ‘no lives matter.’ We are mere specks of animated mud, crawling like microscopic insects across the face of slightly-better-than-average but…

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Mutant COVID Strain Blocks Smell of New World Odor

Dissociated Press If you can’t perceive anything fishy about Jeffrey Epstein’s “suicide,” haven’t noticed the rancid stench surrounding Black Rock and the $7 trillion COVID swindle, are still oblivious to the whiff of bankster-driven biological warfare, and generally find it difficult to sniff out wrongdoing in high places, you should immediately get tested for COVID-1984—a new mutant virus that selectively targets the ability to perceive specific aromas, especially the smell of rank bullshit. “COVID-1984 was deliberately unleashed by the Chinese government when they let it accidentally escape the Wuhan laboratory and emerge naturally from animals to infect innocent New Yorkers…

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Minneapolis Mayor: Rioters Must Practice Social Distancing and Wear Masks or Risk Arrest

Dissociated Press Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey has ordered rioters to wear medical masks and remain at least six feet apart while smashing windows, overturning automobiles, setting fire to buildings, and attacking police officers and national guard troops or risk being fined — or even arrested. “We understand that after two months of being locked down in their homes with no paycheck and insufficient toilet paper, people feel a need to get outside and express their legitimate anger by destroying things and attacking law enforcement officers,” Frey said at a press conference outside City Hall. “But they need to remember that…

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BREAKING! Mutant Strain of COVID is 100% LETHAL

Dissociated Press The Center for Death Control (CDC) has warned that a new mutant strain of coronavirus has been associated with a 100% fatality rate in people who contact it. “What we’re saying, basically, is that everybody who catches this disease is going to die,” explained CDC doomsayer Vivian LaMorte. “Get this bug, and you are condemned to utter and complete extinction. Your body will break down and finally your heart will stop beating and you will be dead. Cold, stone dead. Your lungs won’t be pumping air. Your stomach won’t be digesting food. Your brain won’t be frantically trying…

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Barr: “Reason for Keeping 9/11 Secrets Secret is Secret—and the Reason for That Is Secret Too!”

Dissociated Press Attorney General William Barr has responded to a New York Federal District Court suit brought by 9/11 survivors by insisting that 9/11 secrets need to be kept secret. When the judge requested a reason for the secrecy, Barr responded: “The reason for the secrets’ secrecy? That’s an even bigger secret. And the secret secret reason for the secrecy of the second-level secret secret is still more secret. And guess what, the secret behind that is even worse, it’s classified at the very highest level—only God Himself is allowed to know. And the secret behind THAT secret is so secret…

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Trump Asserts “Total and Absolute Control Over Everything”—Except His Mouth

Dissociated Press At this morning’s press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that he has “absolute power” and “total control” over coronavirus, the nation’s governors, whether or not people are allowed to leave their homes, the efficacy of coronavirus cures he and Jared Kushner have invested in, and “everything else in America, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, and the whole universe.” In response to a reporter’s challenge, Trump responded: “With the president of the United States, the omnipotence is total. And that’s the way it’s got to be.” Trump’s assertion—that the powers of the US president are absolute—took Constitutional scholars…

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Bill Gates Expresses Remorse for Unleashing COVID-19

Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning outside his 350-billion-dollar mansion sprawling across three of Seattle’s poshest neighborhoods, philanthropist Bill Gates tearfully confessed: “Woe unto me! Would that I had not hired the CIA to take Event 201 live!” Spluttering, bawling, and blubbering, Gates toweled tears off his face and explained: “But it was…it was supposed to help with depopulation! They promised me it would! Instead, the whole world is locked down with their spouse or significant other, with nothing left to do but make babies! Horrible, awful little human babies! And there are no more condoms left, it’s…

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Trump Doubles Down: America Will Be “Opened Up and Raring to Go” on April Fool’s Day

Dissociated Press After being raked over the coals for telling Americans to “pack the pews on Easter Sunday” (which falls on April 12) Donald Trump has upped the ante, calling for Americans to celebrate April Fool’s Day on  Wednesday, April 1, with “YUUUUGE gatherings of happy Fools.” “Why wait for Easter? Why not be Foolish next Wednesday?” Trump tweeted. The President is urging people to break out of self-imposed quarantine on April 1 and pack themselves tightly together in town squares, auditoriums, and stadiums in crowds of tens or even hundreds of thousands, celebrating premature victory over coronavirus by playing…

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Jared Kushner Solves the Coronavirus Problem with Free-Market Initiatives

Dissociated Press In the wake of his failed coronavirus condom initiative, First Son-In-Law Jared Kusher—smarting from criticism of his attempts to capitalize on the pandemic—has unveiled a new line of potentially profitable products that he says will “solve the coronavirus crisis just like I solved the Mideast crisis.” “After extensive focus group testing, we discovered that people don’t want to pull gigantic extra-heavy-duty condoms over their heads every time they leave the house,” Kushner explained. “So we starting thinking about other ways to promote social distancing using simple, inexpensive products that can be sold in pharmacies and supermarkets. “The first idea…

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Trump Demonstrates Use of Condoms to Prevent Spread of Covid-19

Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning President Donald Trump announced a novel solution to the coronavirus problem: condoms. “We now have it totally under control, it’s going to be just fine. All you have to do is wear a condom when you go out in public,” Trump explained. The President proceeded to extract a foil packet containing a condom from his shirt pocket, open the packet, remove the condom, and pull it down over his head. As Trump mumbled guttural noises from within the rubber encasement, First Son-in-Law Jared Kusher explained: “My shadow coronavirus task force has solved…

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