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New Mandatory Vaccine Can Stop the Conspiracy Pandemic

Dissociated Press Guest Editorial by Dick Flaccidopholous, Director, Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories (FUCT) What is your purpose in life? Why do you log in to the office every day? What talking points do you use to convince powerful people with money to give you some? Here at the Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories we have a simple but elegant mission statement: “There are too many gol-danged conspiracy theories! We are FUCT! We’ve got to stop them!” Unfortunately, until now, it was easier said than done. But today, thanks to a new vaccine, all that has changed. The new ConspiraVax…

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Facemasks Not Enough—Now California Mandates Blindfolds Too

Dissociated Press California Governor Gavin Noisome has ordered a statewide mandatory blindfolding policy to help slow the spread of coronavirus. Noisome’s Executive Odor 666-666 requires all citizens to wear blindfolds as well as masks whenever they leave their homes, and revokes all health and religious exemptions from masking and blindfolding. “Studies show that when you blink, your eyelashes scatter tiny droplets of moisture into the atmosphere, potentially contributing to the spread of COVID-19,” Noisome explained at this morning’s press conference. “The best way to stop these moisture droplets is at the source, by wearing a cloth blindfold over your eyes.…

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Ivanka to Hungry Unemployed: “Find Something New to Eat”

Dissociated Press In a stirring statement sure to lift the flagging spirits of America’s tens of millions of unemployed people, Ivanka Trump has reminded them that there are still plenty of worms, insects, garbage, and other free food sources available. “All it takes is some good old fashioned American gumption, creativity, and can-do spirit,” Ivanka said at the press rollout for her Find Something New to Eat campaign. “There has never been a more critical time for Americans of all ages and backgrounds to be aware of the multiple pathways to caloric and nutritional sustenance in an increasingly automated, COVID-devastated…

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Astral Projection Association Recommends Maintaining at Least Six Feet Social Distance from Yourself at All Times

Dissociated Press The Astral Projection Association has issued a new set of coronavirus guidelines recommending that for the duration of the crisis, all members should enter a permanent state of astral projection and maintain at least six feet of social distance from their physical bodies. “Authorities are now recommending wearing masks even inside your own home,” said APA president B.B. Buggurburg. “But from our perspective, that doesn’t go nearly far enough. To help stop the spread of this dread disease, you need to stay at least six feet away from your physical body.” Buggurburg explained that it is the physical…

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Professor Fired for Tweeting “All Lives Matter” Rehired After Recanting and Admitting “No Lives Matter”

Dissociated Press Philosophy Professor Fuddley Dudwhump of Miskatonic University, fired last week for tweeting “all lives matter,” was rehired yesterday after his tearful recantation was viewed thousands of times on YouTube, eliciting dozens of favorable comments. “I was wrong, so terribly, awfully wrong,” Dudwhump sobs in the video. “What ever could have made me tweet ‘all lives matter?’ That is a horrific, insensitive thing to say. And what’s more, it is obviously not true. The truth, of course, is that ‘no lives matter.’ We are mere specks of animated mud, crawling like microscopic insects across the face of slightly-better-than-average but…

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Mutant COVID Strain Blocks Smell of New World Odor

Dissociated Press If you can’t perceive anything fishy about Jeffrey Epstein’s “suicide,” haven’t noticed the rancid stench surrounding Black Rock and the $7 trillion COVID swindle, are still oblivious to the whiff of bankster-driven biological warfare, and generally find it difficult to sniff out wrongdoing in high places, you should immediately get tested for COVID-1984—a new mutant virus that selectively targets the ability to perceive specific aromas, especially the smell of rank bullshit. “COVID-1984 was deliberately unleashed by the Chinese government when they let it accidentally escape the Wuhan laboratory and emerge naturally from animals to infect innocent New Yorkers…

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Minneapolis Mayor: Rioters Must Practice Social Distancing and Wear Masks or Risk Arrest

Dissociated Press Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey has ordered rioters to wear medical masks and remain at least six feet apart while smashing windows, overturning automobiles, setting fire to buildings, and attacking police officers and national guard troops or risk being fined — or even arrested. “We understand that after two months of being locked down in their homes with no paycheck and insufficient toilet paper, people feel a need to get outside and express their legitimate anger by destroying things and attacking law enforcement officers,” Frey said at a press conference outside City Hall. “But they need to remember that…

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BREAKING! Mutant Strain of COVID is 100% LETHAL

Dissociated Press The Center for Death Control (CDC) has warned that a new mutant strain of coronavirus has been associated with a 100% fatality rate in people who contact it. “What we’re saying, basically, is that everybody who catches this disease is going to die,” explained CDC doomsayer Vivian LaMorte. “Get this bug, and you are condemned to utter and complete extinction. Your body will break down and finally your heart will stop beating and you will be dead. Cold, stone dead. Your lungs won’t be pumping air. Your stomach won’t be digesting food. Your brain won’t be frantically trying…

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Barr: “Reason for Keeping 9/11 Secrets Secret is Secret—and the Reason for That Is Secret Too!”

Dissociated Press Attorney General William Barr has responded to a New York Federal District Court suit brought by 9/11 survivors by insisting that 9/11 secrets need to be kept secret. When the judge requested a reason for the secrecy, Barr responded: “The reason for the secrets’ secrecy? That’s an even bigger secret. And the secret secret reason for the secrecy of the second-level secret secret is still more secret. And guess what, the secret behind that is even worse, it’s classified at the very highest level—only God Himself is allowed to know. And the secret behind THAT secret is so secret…

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Trump Asserts “Total and Absolute Control Over Everything”—Except His Mouth

Dissociated Press At this morning’s press briefing, Donald Trump claimed that he has “absolute power” and “total control” over coronavirus, the nation’s governors, whether or not people are allowed to leave their homes, the efficacy of coronavirus cures he and Jared Kushner have invested in, and “everything else in America, the world, the solar system, the galaxy, and the whole universe.” In response to a reporter’s challenge, Trump responded: “With the president of the United States, the omnipotence is total. And that’s the way it’s got to be.” Trump’s assertion—that the powers of the US president are absolute—took Constitutional scholars…

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