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Prince Philip gets his wish, reincarnates as deadly virus

Dissociated Press The British Royal Family disclosed this morning that the late Prince Philip, who passed away last Friday, has already achieved his fondest wish and succeeded in reincarnating as a deadly virus. A statement from Buckingham Palace, issued shortly before noon, said: “It is with great pride and appreciation that Her Majesty the Queen announces the reincarnation of her beloved husband, his deceased Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, as a deadly virus.” The British government announced that after the requisite eight days of national mourning of Philip’s passing, there would follow eight days of joyous celebration of…

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Football Is Anti-Semitic. Here’s How to Fix It.

Dissociated Press Guest op-ed by Jonathan Greenbutt, Anti-Defecation League Anti-Semitism in sports is totally out of control. First, NBA power forward Leonard Myers unknowingly used an obsolete slur while playing a video game. Then the Duxbury Durchgangslagers, a Massachussetts high school football team, got caught calling Nazi plays. Fortunately the coach was fired. He’ll never work in this town again. Nor will any of his players, nor the cheerleaders, nor anybody else from that school. Even the janitor will never mop floors again. They’re on our list, and they’ll never get off. Satisfying as such punishments are, they don’t address the…

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NBA Player Will Clean Toilets for 5 Years to Atone for Shouting Anti-Irish Slur

Which Proves There Is No Such Thing as “Irish Power” Dissociated Press Leonard Meyers, 29-year-old power forward for the Alaska Cool, has been traded to Siberia, where he will clean toilets for a new Russian NBA franchise for five years to atone for shouting an anti-Irish slur while playing a video game. Myers found himself embroiled in controversy earlier this month after he repeatedly screamed the anti-Irish expletive “mick” while playing the popular “Stone the Stones” video game. The game involves players throwing rocks at members of a famous rock band, with points awarded for direct hits. The former NBA…

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Five Who Used Marijuana in Past Exit White House — The Rest Will Keep Using in Present and Future

Dissociated Press Five White House advisors who used marijuana in the past, but have given it up in the present and vowed not to partake in the future, have been ignominiously booted from the Biden Administration.  Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained: “The President (cough, cough) wants only fully-qualified stoners—people who are truly high on America, and who are smoking weed right now at this very moment (whushshshshshsh) and who will keep right on toking till doomsday. Ex-users, T-breakers, and others who are not fried, stoned, baked, bouldered, blitzed, blazed, dazed & confused, short-term-memory-impaired, and looking just as clueless and brain-dead…

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Grandfather arrested, grandchildren expelled for “possession and use of Dr. Seuss”

Dissociated Press A Florida man is in prison, and his grandchildren have been expelled from school, in the wake of the FBI’s first major crackdown on illicit Dr. Seuss books. Benjamin B. Bicklebaum, 73, of Tarpon Springs, Florida was arrested last night after a SWAT team raid uncovered what authorities called “an extremely disturbing collection of extremist literature.” Bicklebaum, who faces seventeen counts of domestic extremism and terrorism charges, was allegedly found in possession of an extremely dangerous arsenal of Dr. Seuss books featuring racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, and transphobic images and tropes. If convicted, Bicklebaum faces up to 140 years…

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Fauci says pandemic won’t end till 110% of the population is vaccinated

Dissociated Press In a stern warning to the American public, COVID czar Anthony Fauci said this morning that masking, social distancing, small business shutdowns, job losses, media fearmongering, oligarch profiteering, Orwellian censorship and surveillance, and his own fifteen minutes of fame will continue forever, because the crisis will not end until at least 110% of the population is vaccinated. “Think of it this way,” the avuncular pandemic poobah explained. “The best vaccine, Moderna’s, only has a 90% success rate. So what percent of the population would you have to vaccinate to get to 100% success? You don’t need a calculator…

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Iran’s Supreme Leader Wishes Trump a Happy and Carefree Retirement

By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor As philosophy professor Sterling Harwood and I agreed during the final minutes of FFWN (watch the video and check out story links HERE) it is truly heartwarming to see the way Iran’s Supreme Leader, Imam Ali Khamenei, has fondly wished Trump a happy and carefree retirement. The Iranian rahbar tweeted an image of an Iranian “shadow drone” casting a mercifully cooling shade over the poor orange-skinned sweaty ex-president, protecting Trump from sunburn and the potentially mortal threat of skin cancer during a sweltering Florida golf outing. We were also happy to report that the…

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Trump Aims to Beat His Own Record with THIRD Impeachment: “It Would Be YUGE!”

Dissociated Press In a new video posted in an obscure corner of the darkweb, President Donald Trump congratulates himself on his world-record second impeachment, then vows to achieve an even more impressive third impeachment during his remaining five days in office. “Only two other presidents in history have been impeached even once,” Trump gloats. “I did it twice. Now get ready for number three!” In the video—entitled “Look What I Did for my Third Impeachment” (watched four times so far)— Trump boards a helicopter on the White House roof. Transported to Fifth Avenue in New York, the President emerges to…

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Trump Reveals “Absolute Proof Election Was Stolen”

Dissociated Press Donald Trump stunned the nation this morning by unveiling what he called “absolute proof” the election was stolen. Trump produced Michael Connell II, the GOP’s Voting Machine Adjustment Czar, who swore on a Satanic Bible that he had rigged the machines to produce a narrow Trump victory in key swing states, along with a close enough election nationwide to make it plausible. But the evil, cheating Democrats, Connell II explained, undid all of his hard work by “pulling an unexpectedly large number of mail-in ballots out of their, er, party symbol.” Trump snatched the microphone away from Connell…

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Trump to Pursue Herd Immunity Through COVID-Laced Breakfast Cereal

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has announced his new “herd immunity” plan to defeat the pandemic: A breakfast cereal made of GMO corn, high-fructose corn syrup, COVID-19 virus, and glyphosate and other artificial flavors. “If every child in America ate a bowl of CoronaFlakes every morning,” the President tweeted yesterday, “we could achieve herd immunity in less than two weeks. Back to work, America! Just in time to re-elect me and save me from another bankruptcy and maybe prison.” The herd-immunity-through-cereal strategy was drafted by Trump’s new science advisor, self-taught virologist and defrocked gynecologist Dr. Buster Hymen, inventor of the…

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