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Trump Doubles Down: America Will Be “Opened Up and Raring to Go” on April Fool’s Day

Dissociated Press After being raked over the coals for telling Americans to “pack the pews on Easter Sunday” (which falls on April 12) Donald Trump has upped the ante, calling for Americans to celebrate April Fool’s Day on  Wednesday, April 1, with “YUUUUGE gatherings of happy Fools.” “Why wait for Easter? Why not be Foolish next Wednesday?” Trump tweeted. The President is urging people to break out of self-imposed quarantine on April 1 and pack themselves tightly together in town squares, auditoriums, and stadiums in crowds of tens or even hundreds of thousands, celebrating premature victory over coronavirus by playing…

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Jared Kushner Solves the Coronavirus Problem with Free-Market Initiatives

Dissociated Press In the wake of his failed coronavirus condom initiative, First Son-In-Law Jared Kusher—smarting from criticism of his attempts to capitalize on the pandemic—has unveiled a new line of potentially profitable products that he says will “solve the coronavirus crisis just like I solved the Mideast crisis.” “After extensive focus group testing, we discovered that people don’t want to pull gigantic extra-heavy-duty condoms over their heads every time they leave the house,” Kushner explained. “So we starting thinking about other ways to promote social distancing using simple, inexpensive products that can be sold in pharmacies and supermarkets. “The first idea…

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Trump Demonstrates Use of Condoms to Prevent Spread of Covid-19

Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning President Donald Trump announced a novel solution to the coronavirus problem: condoms. “We now have it totally under control, it’s going to be just fine. All you have to do is wear a condom when you go out in public,” Trump explained. The President proceeded to extract a foil packet containing a condom from his shirt pocket, open the packet, remove the condom, and pull it down over his head. As Trump mumbled guttural noises from within the rubber encasement, First Son-in-Law Jared Kusher explained: “My shadow coronavirus task force has solved…

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Coronavirus Urged to Wash Hands and Self-Quarantine After Trump-Bolsinaro Handshake

Dissociated Press The World Health Organization issued a directive this morning urging an unfortunate coronavirus caught between the sweaty palms of the US and Brazilian presidents to wash its hands and quarantine itself. “We don’t know what this coronavirus may have picked up from its intimate contact with two of the world’s most virulently toxic organisms,” explained WHO spokeperson Dr. Pew Triddley Stan-Jiang. “But whatever it is, it can’t be good. The coronavirus needs to vigorously scrub its hands, or more accurately its spike proteins, with pure bleach for a minimum of twenty minutes. Then it must locomote itself to…

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The Only Way to Avoid Coronavirus: Stay Home 24/7 Watching Coronavirus News

Dissociated Press In the wake of new studies showing that the best way to avoid coronavirus is to stay home watching coronavirus coverage, the United States government and the corporations that own it have rolled out a new plan to curtail the spread of the dread disease. Yesterday the newly-merged Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for Media Control (CMC) announced that beginning next week, all mainstream media outlets will merge into a single mega-corporation, the Coronavirus News Network (CvNN). Once CvNN begins broadcasting at 12:01 a.m. next Monday, the American public will be required to stay home and…

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Bloomberg: “Bernie Sanders Is a Hateful Anti-MBTQ Bigot!”

Dissociated Press Reacting to Bernie Sanders’ blowout in the Nevada caucuses, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has upped the ante, accusing the Democratic frontrunner of “hateful anti-MBTQ bigotry.” “As a proud member of the most victimized and oppressed group in America, the Millionaires, Billionaires, Trillionaires, and Quadrillionaires—what we like to call the MBTQ community—I am appalled by Bernie Sanders’ shameful hate-filled slurs against one of America’s most vulnerable groups,” Bloomberg intones in a new ad that is being repeatedly force-fed to every American man, woman, child, and household pet thanks to Bloomberg’s recent $500 million dollar ad buy. “Bernie Sanders…

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Israeli Knesset Debates Mandatory Auschwitz Tattoos, “Holocaust Gene” Implants

Dissociated Press The Israeli Knesset yesterday delayed voting on the Mandatory Tattoo Bill (KN-6283) requiring that all citizens be tattooed with Nazi concentration camp ID numbers in memory of the Holocaust. The bill also obliges newborn infants to undergo genetic screening to determine whether they carry the Holocaust Trauma Gene—and to submit to Holocaust Gene Implant Therapy (HGIT) if they don’t. Bickering over the bill threatened to derail the budding coalition between Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud Party and Benny Gantz’s Israeli Resilience Party. Netanyahu supports both mandatory Holocaust tattoos and universal gene therapy. Gantz, for his part, supports the tattoos, but…

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Wahhabis in Auschwitz: Senior Saudi Clerics Convert to Holocaustianity

Dissociated Press Acting under orders from Clown Prince Muhammad Bin Salman, a delegation of senior Saudi clerics has traveled to Auschwitz, Poland and officially converted to Holocaustianity. The conversion ceremony featured the clerics kneeling down before a statue of Anne Frank and solemnly uttering the testimony of faith: “There is no god but the Holocaust, and six million Jews died in gas chambers.” After their mass conversion, the clerics proceeded to circumambulate the alleged gas chambers where millions of Jews were supposedly killed with hydrogen cyanide gas—after which, in what can only be a divine miracle, all traces of hydrogen…

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Trump Claims “King of Israel” Nationality, Bans Criticism of Himself by Executive Order

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel and making “Jewish” a nationality, the White House announced yesterday that Trump will go one step further and claim “King of Israel” nationality and “Second Coming of God” status, effectively exempting himself from criticism. Trump, who annointed himself King of Israel and Second Coming of God last August, is expected to issue a new executive order tomorrow making “King of Israel” a protected nationality and “second coming of God” a special religious identity off-limits to sacrilege, blasphemy, heresy, or any other form of criticism. Once the…

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Trump Vows to “Finish the Job Hitler Started”—Jewish Audience Stunned

Ft. Lauderdale, FL Dissociated Press President Donald J. Trump, in a speech to  The Organization of Eminent Jewish-American Magnates (TOEJAM), shocked his audience yesterday by vowing to “finish the job Hitler started.” “A lot of you are in the real estate business, because I know you very well. You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all,” Trump said. “That’s why, together, we can finish the job Hitler started.” Amid audible gasps, Trump continued: “By ‘finish the job,’ I mean the Greater Israel project. Did you know that without Hitler, Israel never would have existed? It was Hitler who signed the…

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