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Trump Claims “King of Israel” Nationality, Bans Criticism of Himself by Executive Order

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel and making “Jewish” a nationality, the White House announced yesterday that Trump will go one step further and claim “King of Israel” nationality and “Second Coming of God” status, effectively exempting himself from criticism. Trump, who annointed himself King of Israel and Second Coming of God last August, is expected to issue a new executive order tomorrow making “King of Israel” a protected nationality and “second coming of God” a special religious identity off-limits to sacrilege, blasphemy, heresy, or any other form of criticism. Once the…

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Trump Vows to “Finish the Job Hitler Started”—Jewish Audience Stunned

Ft. Lauderdale, FL Dissociated Press President Donald J. Trump, in a speech to  The Organization of Eminent Jewish-American Magnates (TOEJAM), shocked his audience yesterday by vowing to “finish the job Hitler started.” “A lot of you are in the real estate business, because I know you very well. You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all,” Trump said. “That’s why, together, we can finish the job Hitler started.” Amid audible gasps, Trump continued: “By ‘finish the job,’ I mean the Greater Israel project. Did you know that without Hitler, Israel never would have existed? It was Hitler who signed the…

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The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! – Larry Silverstein

Veterans Today strives to represent diversity in all its forms: Race, color, creed, tribal affiliation, political orientation, sexual identity, I.Q., sanity, you name it, we feature writers from all ends of the spectrum. We are especially committed to combatting the scourge of anti-Semitism. That’s why we were overjoyed, nay, ecstatic, to receive this guest editorial submission from a man who, like Jeffrey Epstein, has long enjoyed a reputation as an avatar of chutzpah and a  pillar of America’s Jewish billionaire community. –Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! by “Lucky Larry” Silverstein, guest editorialist As a…

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Trump Banned from Twitter after Homophobic Attack on Pete Buttigieg

Dissociated Press After repeatedly tweeting inflammatory attacks on blacks, Muslims, hispanics, women, Democrats, Trump-haters, and other minority groups, President Trump has finally been banned from Twitter—for homophobia. His offense: Yesterday’s tweet featuring a homophobic limerick attacking Democratic presidential contender Pete Buttigieg. The closure of Trump’s account marks the first time that a head of state has ever been banned from a major social media platform. Twitter spokestwit Tuinda Twatt tweeted: “After years of ponderously sincere reflection, Twitter has finally decided that the President has crossed the line. Attacks on the excretory organs of homosexuals cannot and must not be tolerated.”…

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Jews seek $500 trillion in global persecution reparations

Dissociated Press Following Israel’s demand for $250 billion  in reparations from Arab nations, the World Jewish Congress (otherwise known as WorldJewCon, or WJC) has upped the ante, demanding an additional $500 trillion in persecution reparations from the entire world. WJC spokesman Rob Sheisterstein announced the demand from his royal penthouse suite atop the Hotel President Wilson in Geneva, Switzerland. (The Hotel Wilson, alongside the other 82 five-star hotels in Switzerland, was recently donated in perpetuity as partial reparations for the Swiss role in the Holocaust.) “Holocaust reparations? Mazel Tov. Arab reparations? Double-plus Mazel Tov,” Sheisterstein enthused. “But why stop there?…

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Trump to Tlaib: Don’t Be Vulgar!

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump, profoundly shocked to the very core of his being by a vulgarity uttered about him by Rep. Rashida Tlaib, has issued a statement begging Rep. Tlaib, and all other Americans, to “stop being so vulgar.” “We must eschew all forms of vulgarity,” Trump solemly intoned from his White House pulpit. The august, esteemed, and decorous President of the United States of America then proceeded to lightly chide Rep. Tlaib for her intemperate remark by reciting from memory one of his favorite passages from the classics: “Good taste or bad is revealed in everything we are, do,…

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Preschoolers to teach sex education to college professors

  Dissociated Press The National Association of Preschoolers (NAP) has issued a statement urging all American university professors to enroll in a new remedial sex education program. The preschoolers will be offering “gender clarity for eggheads” classes at pre-kindergarten educational  institutions nationwide beginning in January. NAP spokestoddler Sally S. explained: “Grown-ups are so silly. Some grown-ups don’t know boys have penises and girls have vaginas. We are going to tell them so they know.” OK folks that’s it. I just don’t have the heart to write any more satire. I was going to try to satirize this story: “YPSILANTI, MI…

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Farrakhan compares Trump to Satan — Satan demands apology

Dissociated Press Responding to a report that Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan had compared him to Donald Trump, Satan has issued an angry statement demanding an apology. At a heavily-attended press conference (hell is full of journalists who are forced to attend press conferences for all eternity) the Prince of Evil inveighed against Farrakhan for making an unfair and hurtful comparison. “I am the world’s greatest liar,” the Devil sneered. “Just because Trump lies all the time, he’s like me? Give me a break! Trump is the world’s second worst liar, almost as bad as his buddy Bin Salman. He…

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Test your internet IQ: Did Kavanagh REALLY Convert to Judaism?

I recently heard that someone fact-checked my article Kavanagh converts to Judaism to save Supreme Court nomination: Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral. My friend D got an email from his Christian Zionist friend T as follows: D, I’ve done a fact check on the claim that Kavanagh is to convert to Judaism and I could find no credible evidence to support it – all I find were vague and obscure web sites about all manner of wacky unsubstantiated theories based on innuendo, speculation and assumptions that lead to erroneous conclusions, mainly to do with Left wing conspiracies that…

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Kavanagh converts to Judaism to save Supreme Court nomination

Circumcision ceremony scheduled for noon tomorrow at National Cathedral Dissociated Press In the latest shocking turn of events in an increasingly twisted saga, embattled Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanagh has announced his impending conversion to Judaism. Speaking at a hastily-convened press conference on the Capitol steps, Kavanagh said he will undergo a conversion ceremony, including a public circumcision by top Chabad-Lubavitch rabbi Yehuda Karinski, at the National Cathedral in Washington DC beginning at noon tomorrow. “Henri IV said Paris was well worth a mass. I say a Supreme Court seat is well worth a public whacking. By converting to Judaism…

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