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The Only Way to Avoid Coronavirus: Stay Home 24/7 Watching Coronavirus News

Dissociated Press In the wake of new studies showing that the best way to avoid coronavirus is to stay home watching coronavirus coverage, the United States government and the corporations that own it have rolled out a new plan to curtail the spread of the dread disease. Yesterday the newly-merged Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for Media Control (CMC) announced that beginning next week, all mainstream media outlets will merge into a single mega-corporation, the Coronavirus News Network (CvNN). Once CvNN begins broadcasting at 12:01 a.m. next Monday, the American public will be required to stay home and…

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Bloomberg: “Bernie Sanders Is a Hateful Anti-MBTQ Bigot!”

Dissociated Press Reacting to Bernie Sanders’ blowout in the Nevada caucuses, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has upped the ante, accusing the Democratic frontrunner of “hateful anti-MBTQ bigotry.” “As a proud member of the most victimized and oppressed group in America, the Millionaires, Billionaires, Trillionaires, and Quadrillionaires—what we like to call the MBTQ community—I am appalled by Bernie Sanders’ shameful hate-filled slurs against one of America’s most vulnerable groups,” Bloomberg intones in a new ad that is being repeatedly force-fed to every American man, woman, child, and household pet thanks to Bloomberg’s recent $500 million dollar ad buy. “Bernie Sanders…

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Israeli Knesset Debates Mandatory Auschwitz Tattoos, “Holocaust Gene” Implants

Dissociated Press The Israeli Knesset yesterday delayed voting on the Mandatory Tattoo Bill (KN-6283) requiring that all citizens be tattooed with Nazi concentration camp ID numbers in memory of the Holocaust. The bill also obliges newborn infants to undergo genetic screening to determine whether they carry the Holocaust Trauma Gene—and to submit to Holocaust Gene Implant Therapy (HGIT) if they don’t. Bickering over the bill threatened to derail the budding coalition between Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud Party and Benny Gantz’s Israeli Resilience Party. Netanyahu supports both mandatory Holocaust tattoos and universal gene therapy. Gantz, for his part, supports the tattoos, but…

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Alan Dershowitz to Senators: “Keep Your Underwear on and Acquit Trump—OR ELSE”

Dissociated Press In a riveting performance before the US Senate gallery this morning, Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer Alan Dershowitz mounted a spirited defense of his new client, Donald J. Trump. Flourishing a badly stained and noticeably noisome pair of men’s Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear at the astonished senators, Dershowitz boldly intoned: “THESE are the only briefs I need to convince you to to acquit the President.” “This filthy pair of underwear is only XXL. The flabby and humongous posterior of the President of the United States is clearly at least an XXXXXXXXXXL. “So like we told the OJ Jury: IF THE UNDERWEAR DOESN’T…

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Wahhabis in Auschwitz: Senior Saudi Clerics Convert to Holocaustianity

Dissociated Press Acting under orders from Clown Prince Muhammad Bin Salman, a delegation of senior Saudi clerics has traveled to Auschwitz, Poland and officially converted to Holocaustianity. The conversion ceremony featured the clerics kneeling down before a statue of Anne Frank and solemnly uttering the testimony of faith: “There is no god but the Holocaust, and six million Jews died in gas chambers.” After their mass conversion, the clerics proceeded to circumambulate the alleged gas chambers where millions of Jews were supposedly killed with hydrogen cyanide gas—after which, in what can only be a divine miracle, all traces of hydrogen…

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Plan B: New “Deal of the Century” Moves “Jewish State” to Jeffrey Epstein’s Islands

Dissociated Press In the wake of the US Virgin Islands’ decision to confiscate Jeffrey Epstein’s islands, Jared Kushner’s “Deal of the Century” Mideast peace plan has changed. Anonymous White Horse souses say the new plan involves moving “Israel” from Occupied Palestine to the Caribbean. Epstein’s two islands, Great St. James and Little St. James, will be renamed “New Judea” and “New Samaria.”  Epstein’s blood sacrifice child rape temple will be rededicated to Yahweh and will become the seat of government of Yahweh’s Messiah, known to followers of Jesus as the Antichrist. The Messiah will lord it over the world in general,…

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Saudi Liberalization Includes “Secular Fun” for Beheading Victims

Dissociated Press Riyadh, Saudi Arabia Clown Prince Mr. Bone Saw (MBS) has unveiled a series of reforms designed to placate critics of Saudi Arabia’s human rights record. Speaking at yesterday’s press conference at the Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco, MBS vowed to bring “fun fun fun” to the medieval Wahhabi kingdom by allowing condemned dissidents to enjoy Western-style cinema, gambling, pornography, alcohol, sporting events, and stand-up comedy—before, during, and after their executions. “Let’s face it, public executions in Chop-Chop Square have traditionally been drab, dour, puritanical affairs,” MBS explained. “What fun is it to be beheaded under such dismal circumstances?…

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Trump Claims “King of Israel” Nationality, Bans Criticism of Himself by Executive Order

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel and making “Jewish” a nationality, the White House announced yesterday that Trump will go one step further and claim “King of Israel” nationality and “Second Coming of God” status, effectively exempting himself from criticism. Trump, who annointed himself King of Israel and Second Coming of God last August, is expected to issue a new executive order tomorrow making “King of Israel” a protected nationality and “second coming of God” a special religious identity off-limits to sacrilege, blasphemy, heresy, or any other form of criticism. Once the…

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Trump, ADL Propose Re-Education Camps for “People Who Don’t Love Israel Enough”

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel on college campuses, the ADL has unveiled a plan to send violators to re-education camps—and Trump just tweeted his approval. The plan calls for the US Army Corps of Engineers to repurpose dozens of derelict strip malls, Wal-Marts, military bases, and sewage treatment facilities as re-education camps tasked with helping critics of Israel overcome their destructive habit and become productive members of society. “Critics of Israel may be subhuman goyim who must ultimately be enslaved or exterminated,” ADL spokesman M.M. Schneerson explained, “but they deserve a…

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Trump Vows to “Finish the Job Hitler Started”—Jewish Audience Stunned

Ft. Lauderdale, FL Dissociated Press President Donald J. Trump, in a speech to  The Organization of Eminent Jewish-American Magnates (TOEJAM), shocked his audience yesterday by vowing to “finish the job Hitler started.” “A lot of you are in the real estate business, because I know you very well. You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all,” Trump said. “That’s why, together, we can finish the job Hitler started.” Amid audible gasps, Trump continued: “By ‘finish the job,’ I mean the Greater Israel project. Did you know that without Hitler, Israel never would have existed? It was Hitler who signed the…

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