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Israel Sweeps Anal Rape Competition at Paris Olympics

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Peretz Putzenschlubb defended his title in the men’s ten meter forcible sodomy competition, giving his team an unprecedented sweep in the anal rape medals at the Paris Olympics. Putzenschlubb, a mainstay of the Sde Teiman Prison Rape Squad, defeated his teammates Schlemiel Shtuppenberg and Schlemozzel Shtuppenshtein by pursuing and raping a designated victim after a 6.1 meter chase, completing the forcible violation in a world-record-setting 15.7 seconds. Putzenschlubb won points on technique as well as distance and time. “He’s so smooth he doesn’t even need lube,” noted Itamar Ben-Gvir, the Israeli minister and forcible sodomy specialist who served…

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ADL: “Right to Rape” Is a Jewish Value—Critics Are Antisemitic

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The ADL (Anti-Defecation League) today issued a statement in response to the recent debate over Israel’s “Right to Rape” movement. Jonathan Greenbutt, ADL CEO and National Director, issued the following statement: ADL is concerned by the recent surge of antisemitism displayed by those who would deny Israel the right to practice its own cultural and religious heritage by subjecting non-Jewish prisoners to what antisemites call “anal rape.” Calling the violent penetration of non-Jewish rectums by Jews “rape” is an antisemitic affront to Jewish sensibilities and traditional practices, as well as an attempt to deny to the Jewish people their…

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Netanyahu Gets Three-Month Standing Ovation in Congress

Kevin Barrett

Shatters record previously held by Jesus   WASHINGTON D.C. (October 24, 2024) – Precognitive Press One week before Hallowe’en, the hundreds of Congressional representatives who had been giving Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu a standing ovation since July 24 finally stopped applauding and sat down. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Netanyahu’s ovation easily shattered the previous record held by Jesus Christ, who earned a three hour sixteen minute one second ovation from the Clap for Jesus Team in Kampala, Uganda on 30 July 2023. House Speaker Mike Johnson’s congressional staffing team handled the event’s logistics, including the…

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Republicans Wear Brain Bandages to Express Solidarity with Trump

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Following Donald Trump’s “magic ear shot” publicity stunt, millions of his supporters are wearing “brain bandages” symbolizing their gullible acceptance of the wildly improbable story. By gluing feminine hygiene products to their ears, the Trumpsters indicate that they have undergone brain-removal surgery and believe everything Trump and the media tell them. The ear bandages symbolically suggest that the wearers were subjected to “brain vacuuming,” a new form of surgery involving an incision being cut through the earhole, a vacuum hose being inserted, and the brain being vacuumed out. Panic-stricken menstruating women across America are complaining about a shortage…

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BREAKING! Trump Shot on Stage AGAIN—Pulls “Magic Bullet” Out of Ass

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Donald Trump has been shot once again for the second time in less than a week. The latest shooting took place at today’s Trump rally in Colon City, Michigan. Trump was struck in the rear by a bullet fired by a gunman who clambered onto the stage, unhurriedly assembled his rifle, and conspicuously assumed a firing position, while the frantic crowd screamed “Gunman! There’s a gunman on the stage!” in an ineffectual effort to alert the Secret Service. Fortunately Trump was struck just as he was bending over the opposite side of the stage from the gunman in…

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What 10 Countries Would You Recommend Visiting that Will Change Your Life?

Kevin Barrett

For politics and current events conversations, skip this silly post and go straight to today’s live radio interviews with Alan Sabrosky and Peter McCullough, and tomorrow’s False Flag Weekly News with E. Michael Jones. * When I was a kid I enjoyed Mad Magazine’s “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions.” Then I hit puberty and graduated to the vintage 1970s-era National Lampoon. When I stopped laughing, I went to college and discovered humour noir and the theater of the absurd—which was not only good for a few more laughs, but powerfully communicated the existentialist realization or “noble truth” that life without…

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NYT Urges Biden to Die, Run as Corpse

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a break with its long tradition of supporting living candidates, the New York Times Editorial Board has urged President Biden to “just go ahead and die already.” In an opinion piece on Friday, the Times wrote that “the greatest public service [Biden] can now perform is to expire of natural causes, and then announce that he will continue to run for re-election as a corpse.” Admitting that it might be hard for voters to distinguish Biden’s corpse from the man they just witnessed debating Donald Trump, the Times urged Biden to display his rigor mortis with gusto and…

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Biden to Draft Women, But Promises “No Booties on the Ground”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a passive-aggressive effort to cross Vladimir Putin’s red lines without really crossing them, President Biden has announced that the US will begin drafting women and sending them to the Ukraine war front. On its face, the move would seem to cross a Russian “red line.” Moscow has made it clear that if the US sends active-duty troops to fight for Ukraine, Russia will unleash its doomsday weapon: a set of dozens of 2M-39 drone torpedos carrying the world’s most powerful nuclear bombs. The bombs will explode underwater, creating 800-foot-high radioactive tsunamis that will permanently eliminate North America,…

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Antisemitism Is Pervasive and Ubiquitous Throughout Universe, Says Jewish Physicist

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Dr. Franck Einshtein, Director of Harvard University’s Jeffrey Epstein Institute for the Investigation of Fundamental Physical Forces, has announced the discovery of a fifth fundamental force, which he terms the antisemitism force. “Until this morning, it was believed that the universe is shaped by only four fundamental forces: gravity, electromagnetism, the strong nuclear force, and the weak nuclear force. But my team has discovered a crucially important fifth force: antisemitism!” Dr. Einshtein enthused at a hastily-arranged Epstein Institute press conference. Einshtein explained that many of the universe’s deepest mysteries can only be explained by invoking the antisemitism force…

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