You are here

Saudi Liberalization Includes “Secular Fun” for Beheading Victims

Dissociated Press Riyadh, Saudi Arabia Clown Prince Mr. Bone Saw (MBS) has unveiled a series of reforms designed to placate critics of Saudi Arabia’s human rights record. Speaking at yesterday’s press conference at the Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco, MBS vowed to bring “fun fun fun” to the medieval Wahhabi kingdom by allowing condemned dissidents to enjoy Western-style cinema, gambling, pornography, alcohol, sporting events, and stand-up comedy—before, during, and after their executions. “Let’s face it, public executions in Chop-Chop Square have traditionally been drab, dour, puritanical affairs,” MBS explained. “What fun is it to be beheaded under such dismal circumstances?…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump Claims “King of Israel” Nationality, Bans Criticism of Himself by Executive Order

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel and making “Jewish” a nationality, the White House announced yesterday that Trump will go one step further and claim “King of Israel” nationality and “Second Coming of God” status, effectively exempting himself from criticism. Trump, who annointed himself King of Israel and Second Coming of God last August, is expected to issue a new executive order tomorrow making “King of Israel” a protected nationality and “second coming of God” a special religious identity off-limits to sacrilege, blasphemy, heresy, or any other form of criticism. Once the…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump, ADL Propose Re-Education Camps for “People Who Don’t Love Israel Enough”

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel on college campuses, the ADL has unveiled a plan to send violators to re-education camps—and Trump just tweeted his approval. The plan calls for the US Army Corps of Engineers to repurpose dozens of derelict strip malls, Wal-Marts, military bases, and sewage treatment facilities as re-education camps tasked with helping critics of Israel overcome their destructive habit and become productive members of society. “Critics of Israel may be subhuman goyim who must ultimately be enslaved or exterminated,” ADL spokesman M.M. Schneerson explained, “but they deserve a…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump Vows to “Finish the Job Hitler Started”—Jewish Audience Stunned

Ft. Lauderdale, FL Dissociated Press President Donald J. Trump, in a speech to  The Organization of Eminent Jewish-American Magnates (TOEJAM), shocked his audience yesterday by vowing to “finish the job Hitler started.” “A lot of you are in the real estate business, because I know you very well. You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all,” Trump said. “That’s why, together, we can finish the job Hitler started.” Amid audible gasps, Trump continued: “By ‘finish the job,’ I mean the Greater Israel project. Did you know that without Hitler, Israel never would have existed? It was Hitler who signed the…

FULL ARTICLE

“I Pimped the Children”

I Pimped the Children by “The Epsteins”   I pimped the children But I didn’t commit suicide I pimped the children But I surely didn’t kill myself All around in my home town They were trying to track my clients down Now they say they want me to plead guilty To the killing of yours truly To the crime of strangling me, but I say I pimped the children But you know I didn’t kill myself I pimped the children But I surely didn’t strangle myself Sheriff Bill he always loved me And why that was we all know He…

FULL ARTICLE

The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! – Larry Silverstein

Veterans Today strives to represent diversity in all its forms: Race, color, creed, tribal affiliation, political orientation, sexual identity, I.Q., sanity, you name it, we feature writers from all ends of the spectrum. We are especially committed to combatting the scourge of anti-Semitism. That’s why we were overjoyed, nay, ecstatic, to receive this guest editorial submission from a man who, like Jeffrey Epstein, has long enjoyed a reputation as an avatar of chutzpah and a  pillar of America’s Jewish billionaire community. –Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! by “Lucky Larry” Silverstein, guest editorialist As a…

FULL ARTICLE

The CHUTZPAH of Ghislaine Maxwell…and Donald Trump (satire)

Watch the latest FFWN above, click HERE for links to the stories we discussed. By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor This week’s winner of the Larry Silverstein Award for Chutzpah Above and Beyond the Call of Duty is…a tie between Ghislaine “In & Out Burger” Maxwell and Donald “I Am the Chosen One” Trump. Both Maxwell and Trump are associates of another well-known avatar of chutzpah, Jeffrey Epstein, who may or may not be recovering from facelift surgery at an undisclosed location in Occupied Palestine. According to unconfirmed and hardly credible reports, when the plastic surgeon asked Epstein what kind…

FULL ARTICLE

Threatened by YouTube Censorship, I Go Into the T-Shirt Business

By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor What do you do when an internet oligarch destroys everything you’ve been working for, obliterates more than a decade of your hard work, and deprives you of the ability to make a living—all because that oligarch disapproves of your free political speech that is explicitly protected in all public places, including today’s digital town square, by the First Amendment? Obviously that oligarch deserves to be executed for treason. The First Amendment is the heart of our Constitution, and traitors to the Bill of Rights are the worst treasonous scum imaginable. But since I am…

FULL ARTICLE

Trump Banned from Twitter after Homophobic Attack on Pete Buttigieg

Dissociated Press After repeatedly tweeting inflammatory attacks on blacks, Muslims, hispanics, women, Democrats, Trump-haters, and other minority groups, President Trump has finally been banned from Twitter—for homophobia. His offense: Yesterday’s tweet featuring a homophobic limerick attacking Democratic presidential contender Pete Buttigieg. The closure of Trump’s account marks the first time that a head of state has ever been banned from a major social media platform. Twitter spokestwit Tuinda Twatt tweeted: “After years of ponderously sincere reflection, Twitter has finally decided that the President has crossed the line. Attacks on the excretory organs of homosexuals cannot and must not be tolerated.”…

FULL ARTICLE

Jews seek $500 trillion in global persecution reparations

Dissociated Press Following Israel’s demand for $250 billion  in reparations from Arab nations, the World Jewish Congress (otherwise known as WorldJewCon, or WJC) has upped the ante, demanding an additional $500 trillion in persecution reparations from the entire world. WJC spokesman Rob Sheisterstein announced the demand from his royal penthouse suite atop the Hotel President Wilson in Geneva, Switzerland. (The Hotel Wilson, alongside the other 82 five-star hotels in Switzerland, was recently donated in perpetuity as partial reparations for the Swiss role in the Holocaust.) “Holocaust reparations? Mazel Tov. Arab reparations? Double-plus Mazel Tov,” Sheisterstein enthused. “But why stop there?…

FULL ARTICLE
1 2 3 4