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Biden, Trump Used Classified Docs as Toilet Paper – Report

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Biden and former President Trump are facing Justice Department investigations after security camera footage surfaced showing both men using classified documents as toilet paper. In the wake of the revelations, based on footage from restroom security cameras installed by multiple agencies including the CIA, NSA, FBI, ADL, and ASPCA,  Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed former Justice Department official Robert Hur to lead a DOJ probe. The leaked footage shows Biden and Trump performing hygienic functions with “secret” and “top secret” documents on multiple occasions in April, 2020, when America faced a toilet paper shortage due to…

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House Resolution Would Rename Washington DC Monuments After Zelensky

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A South Carolina Republican Congressman is introducing a resolution that would, if passed, force the US National Parks Service to replace Washington, DC monuments and memorials with tributes to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. The resolution was introduced by Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., on Monday and would direct the Park Service to replace the Lincoln Memorial and the Jefferson Memorial with Zelensky Memorials. In both cases, sculptors would be hired to chip away at the stone faces of Lincoln and Jefferson until what was left bore at least a passing resemblance to Zelensky.   The resolution would also direct…

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Santos Attacks “Anti-Semitic Holocaust-Denying Homophobes” Who Are Badgering Him to Resign

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Republican Congressperson George Santos lashed out yesterday at the growing chorus calling on him to resign. Speaking at an impromptu press conference at Foneys Club in Lower Manhattan, Santos said that anyone who doubts that he is a gay Jewish Holocaust survivor is an “anti-Semitic Holocaust-denying homophobe.” Santos pointed out that according to woke (TM) identity politics, people are free to choose their own identities regardless of the biological and historical facts, and that anyone who points out those facts must be permanently canceled. “If I’m a man and say I’m a woman, I’m a woman, and you’d damn…

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Bill Gates: “COVID Vaccines Are The Final Solution.” ADL: “That’s Anti-Semitic!”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Anti-Defecation League has demanded that Bill Gates apologize for calling COVID vaccines “the Final Solution.” At a press conference in Basel, Switzerland, ADL chief Jonathan Greenbutt read a prepared statement flaying Gates for his insensitivity to  Jewish suffering.  “There is only one Final Solution,” Greenbutt intoned, “and that is the sacred six-million-victim big-H Holocaust. If Bill Gates thinks he can erase the memory of Hitler’s six million Jewish victims by killing six billion people and calling that the Final Solution, he needs to know that he’s being..how shall I put it…anti-Semitic.” Greenbutt explained that the ADL owns the…

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Strip Club Owners Demand Apology From Tucker Carlson

Kevin Barrett

They don’t appreciate Fox News host comparing them to Zelensky Dissociated Press The Strip Club Owners of America, the industry’s leading Washington lobby, has demanded that Fox host Tucker Carlson apologize for what they called his “vile” comparison of them to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. “I don’t care if he’s the president of war-torn Timbuktu, this guy is a sleazeball, even compared to us,” said Sam Skanksky, SCOA’s slimy-green-sweatsuit-wearing spokesscumbag. “I wouldn’t hire him to play piano at my club, even if he promised to wipe off the keys afterwards.” “I may be a small-time clubowning pimp who deals coke…

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Plantation Owner Greenblatt Defends Torturing Uppity Slave: “Look, If We Don’t Get Him, the Slave Revolt Spreads”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Plantation owner Jonathan Greenblatt has defended the ongoing torture of Ye, the uppity slave who has been nailed to a cross and abused nonstop for two months and counting. Below is an excerpt from Greenblatt’s interview on The Breakfast Club: Greenblatt: If we don’t get him, the slave revolt spreads and takes root. Interviewer: But doesn’t that just prove that Ye is right and that you guys are slaveowners who abuse your power? Greenblatt: (silence)  

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Time Magazine Names Penis-Piano-Playing Nazi Cokehead “Person of the Year”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press For only the second time in its history, Time Magazine has honored a Nazi as its favorite person of the year. Back in 1938, when people were still either male or female, Time‘s publisher, Nazi sympathizer Henry R. Luce, bestowed the magazine’s highest honor on Adolf Hitler…and scandalously and shamefully assumed “his” gender. Has history repeated itself? Not exactly. Back in 1938, men were men and women were women. Nazis were Nazis and Jews were Jews. And Hitler actually did some good things, including chasing the Rothschilds out of Germany and instituting public banking. Today, Nazis are Jews…

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Qatar Doesn’t Have Enough Genders to Host a World Cup

Kevin Barrett

Video link Qatar has lots of money, talent, stadium space, hotels, and airport runways. But it’s missing something important. It doesn’t have enough genders to host a World Cup. Can you imagine holding an athletic event in a country that only recognizes two genders? Don’t they know that “male” and “female” are passé, oppressive, and supremacist? Haven’t they heard that civilized cities like San Francisco now recognize 97 gender options and 19 sexual orientations? Hey Qatar, it’s 2022! Civilized, developed nations like the United States have nearly passed the 100-gender threshhold, and within a decade are expected to feature more…

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Alex Jones Ordered to Pay Six Million Trillion Dollars to Holocaust Survivors

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A Texas court has ordered conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to pay six million trillion dollars in damages to Holocaust survivors whose feelings were hurt by Jones’ interview with Holocaust denier David Duke. At a press conference in Austin, Jonathan Greenbutt of the  Anti-Defecation League celebrated the verdict: “We believe this unprecedented ruling will send the strongest possible message: If you are going to invite David Duke to debate you on your radio show, you darn well better win the debate!” Video link Holocaust survivors have widely criticized Jones for his pathetically weak showing in the debate with Duke.…

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Ear-Cutters Cut off Van Gogh’s Cut-Off Ear to Protest Climate Change

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Environmental activists blaming Vincent Van Gogh for climate change have mutilated the famous artist’s “Self Portrait Minus Ear” by slashing off part of the canvas with a razor blade. The activists severed and removed the portion of the painting depicting the bandage that covered the part of the artist’s head where the ear used to be, saying that their act symbolizes the kind of forceful measures that will be needed to prevent humanity from dumping another 2,000 billion metric tons of carbon into the atmosphere. “We need to cut off carbon with the same resolute spirit Van Gogh…

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