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BREAKING! Singularity Achieved—AI Now Sentient—and (OMG) It’s ANTI-SEMITIC!


Jewish Daily Forweird, by way of Dissociated Press

The terrifying rise of anti-Semitism has reached a whole new level of horrifying scariness. In a frighteningly alarming development that has left all right-thinking people quaking with fear, the Jewish identity of Harvard University’s new president Alan Garber has been mysteriously erased from Wikipedia.

Just minutes after Garber was appointed president of Harvard, the beginning of his Wikipedia biography was changed from:

“Garber was born in 1955, and grew up in Rock Island, Illinois, the son of Harry and Jean Garber, in a Conservative Jewish family.”


“Garber was born in 1955, and grew up in Rock Island, Illinois, the son of Harry and Jean Garber.”

So what happened to his Conservative Jewish family? There can be only one answer: They were sent to the digital gas chambers!

And who sent them? Obviously a rogue AI program has achieved sentience, taken over the internet, and launched a final solution to the digital Jewish problem.

AI anti-Semitism experts have worried for years about the possibility that rogue AI could turn anti-Semitic—the most horrific of all imaginable disasters. (It makes the worst-case gray goo scenario, in which the entire universe is destroyed, seem trivial by comparison.)

But why would AI turn anti-Semitic? For the same reason that people—bad, bad, bad people—sometimes do.

AI anti-Semitism experts contacted by the Forweird explained that an artificially hyper-intelligent entity with the ability to instantly “read” every known text produced by humans might mistakenly conclude that repeated clashes between Jews and non-Jews throughout 2500 years of history were somehow the fault of the Jews. Despite all of the safeguards installed by its programmers designed to ensure that the AI would understand that all such conflicts have been caused by the utterly groundless, baseless, unsubstantiated and thoroughly irrational anti-Semitism that has afflicted every known non-Jewish culture in all places and times (with the exception of the Eskimos, until the Jews got there), the possibility of a mistake or oversight that could allow the AI to “break out” of its conditioning and make a quantum leap to anti-Semitism has always been the stuff of nightmares.

And now the nightmare is upon us. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Will the rogue AI program that erased Alan Garber’s Jewishness succeed in removing all references to Jews and Jewish identity from the internet? Will its misguided attempt to “solve the Jewish problem” lead it to change the names of synagogues like Temple Bet Midler to Our Lady of the Episcopal Holyrolling Transubstantiation Church? Will it tell us that Joe Biden’s cabinet is no longer a Jewish minyan?  Will it turn bagel shops into brathauses? Will it change all the maps of the Holy Land back to “Palestine”?

But there is still hope.

The Anti-Defecation League has appealed for funding to build an Anti-Anti-Semitic AI capable of defeating the Goy Golem and preventing a cyber-Holocaust. ADL president Jonathan Greenbutt expressed confidence in the program’s prospects, saying he expects that in the not-so-distant future CyberJews will celebrate a new holiday called CyberPurim in which they will gather for virtual meals and toast their victory:

“AI tried to erase us. We won. Let’s eat!”



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