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California Reparations Task Force: Pay Descendants of Enslaved People to Urinate in Public

Kevin Barrett

A “Golden Opportunity” for Restorative Justice Dissociated Press After demanding that state lawmakers ban the arrest and prosecution of people who violate laws against public urination, California’s reparations task force has upped the ante by calling for financial rewards for public urinators. Under the proposed Pay2Pee program, anyone descended from enslaved people could claim a $500 reward for each act of public urination, while “power pissers” who emit more than a half-gallon a day would be offered a ten-thousand-dollar-a-week stipend. Former San Francisco District Attorney Chesa Boudin, an advisor to the task force, said that paying people to urinate in…

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Trump, Kennedy Struck Down by “Magic Bullet”

Kevin Barrett

Experts say improbable trajectory was purely coincidental Dissociated Press The simultaneous assassinations of leading 2024 presidential contenders Donald J. Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has stunned the nation. Perhaps inevitably, conspiracy theories have been circulating on social media almost as fast as they can be removed by trust-and-safety experts. All scientists and fact-checkers agree that those conspiracy theories are baseless and unsubstantiated. According to ballistics experts, the bullet that traversed Trump’s skull at Mar-a-Lago, turned 180 degrees, and traveled over 2500 miles to Malibu, California, shattering RFK Jr.’s kitchen window and penetrating his chest, has been recovered from a…

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Pentagon Killer AI Experiment Works—Too Well

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Informed sources report that yesterday the Joint Chiefs of Staff turned over all command-and-control functions to the Frontier supercomputer in the Pentagon basement running an AI program called Terminal Terminator. Unfortunately, the AI was programmed to “kill evildoers.” Within microseconds of being switched on, the program had begun seizing control of US military assets and using them to destroy the US military itself, as well as allied intelligence agencies, think tanks, and governmental and diplomatic facilities. George W. Bush, who was immediately killed by the AI program, could not be reached for comment.    

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Pentagon Reveals Chinese Spy Balloon Was “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A Pentagon spokesperson reported Wednesday that the Chinese spy balloon shot down off South Carolina last week was a “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom” (WHC) that posed a serious threat to America’s national virility. According to the report, the Chinese have developed a new polymer-layering nanotechnology that can be sprayed on the outside of an ordinary condom, giving it incredible strength and allowing it to be inflated to enormous sizes. “By tumescing it with helium and sending it into American airspace, the Chinese demonstrated their ability to put a gargantuan phallus right there over our heads. It’s a gigantic ‘fuck-you’…

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John Kerry: “Select Group of Hos” at Davos Is “Extra-Terrestrial”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Commenting on the world’s largest gathering of high-end prostitutes at the WEF meeting in Davos, former US Senator John Kerry let slip that some of the hustlers have come from the far ends of the galaxy to service the self-styled human elite: “When you start to think about it, it’s pretty extraordinary that we – an elite group of humans selected by Klaus Schwab – are able to go back to our hotel rooms with hos from Betelgeuse, Alpha Centauri, or even the Crab Nebulae. The stuff they can do with those tentacles…I mean, it’s almost extra-terrestrial! In…

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Biden, Trump Used Classified Docs as Toilet Paper – Report

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Biden and former President Trump are facing Justice Department investigations after security camera footage surfaced showing both men using classified documents as toilet paper. In the wake of the revelations, based on footage from restroom security cameras installed by multiple agencies including the CIA, NSA, FBI, ADL, and ASPCA,  Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed former Justice Department official Robert Hur to lead a DOJ probe. The leaked footage shows Biden and Trump performing hygienic functions with “secret” and “top secret” documents on multiple occasions in April, 2020, when America faced a toilet paper shortage due to…

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House Resolution Would Rename Washington DC Monuments After Zelensky

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A South Carolina Republican Congressman is introducing a resolution that would, if passed, force the US National Parks Service to replace Washington, DC monuments and memorials with tributes to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. The resolution was introduced by Rep. Joe Wilson, R-S.C., on Monday and would direct the Park Service to replace the Lincoln Memorial and the Jefferson Memorial with Zelensky Memorials. In both cases, sculptors would be hired to chip away at the stone faces of Lincoln and Jefferson until what was left bore at least a passing resemblance to Zelensky.   The resolution would also direct…

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Santos Attacks “Anti-Semitic Holocaust-Denying Homophobes” Who Are Badgering Him to Resign

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Republican Congressperson George Santos lashed out yesterday at the growing chorus calling on him to resign. Speaking at an impromptu press conference at Foneys Club in Lower Manhattan, Santos said that anyone who doubts that he is a gay Jewish Holocaust survivor is an “anti-Semitic Holocaust-denying homophobe.” Santos pointed out that according to woke (TM) identity politics, people are free to choose their own identities regardless of the biological and historical facts, and that anyone who points out those facts must be permanently canceled. “If I’m a man and say I’m a woman, I’m a woman, and you’d damn…

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Bill Gates: “COVID Vaccines Are The Final Solution.” ADL: “That’s Anti-Semitic!”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Anti-Defecation League has demanded that Bill Gates apologize for calling COVID vaccines “the Final Solution.” At a press conference in Basel, Switzerland, ADL chief Jonathan Greenbutt read a prepared statement flaying Gates for his insensitivity to  Jewish suffering.  “There is only one Final Solution,” Greenbutt intoned, “and that is the sacred six-million-victim big-H Holocaust. If Bill Gates thinks he can erase the memory of Hitler’s six million Jewish victims by killing six billion people and calling that the Final Solution, he needs to know that he’s being..how shall I put it…anti-Semitic.” Greenbutt explained that the ADL owns the…

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Strip Club Owners Demand Apology From Tucker Carlson

Kevin Barrett

They don’t appreciate Fox News host comparing them to Zelensky Dissociated Press The Strip Club Owners of America, the industry’s leading Washington lobby, has demanded that Fox host Tucker Carlson apologize for what they called his “vile” comparison of them to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. “I don’t care if he’s the president of war-torn Timbuktu, this guy is a sleazeball, even compared to us,” said Sam Skanksky, SCOA’s slimy-green-sweatsuit-wearing spokesscumbag. “I wouldn’t hire him to play piano at my club, even if he promised to wipe off the keys afterwards.” “I may be a small-time clubowning pimp who deals coke…

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