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Kushner Nominated for Peace Prize—Nobel’s Corpse Detonates Posthumous Suicide Bomb

Dissociated Press Residents of Norra Begravningsplatsen, Solna, Sweden were awakened this morning to a tremendous explosion. Many assumed there had been an accident with a gas main, while others feared a terrorist attack. The latter group’s apprehensions proved well-founded. The explosion, which destroyed much of the Norra Begravningsplatsen cemetery, turned out to be the world’s first posthumous suicide bombing: Alfred Nobel’s corpse had protested Jared Kushner’s nomination for the Nobel Peace Prize by rolling over in its grave and blowing itself to bits. Titti Skitqvisst, president of the Nobel Endowment and great-grand-niece of the celebrated inventor, explained: “When my ancestors buried Alfred…

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Iran’s Supreme Leader Wishes Trump a Happy and Carefree Retirement

By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor As philosophy professor Sterling Harwood and I agreed during the final minutes of FFWN (watch the video and check out story links HERE) it is truly heartwarming to see the way Iran’s Supreme Leader, Imam Ali Khamenei, has fondly wished Trump a happy and carefree retirement. The Iranian rahbar tweeted an image of an Iranian “shadow drone” casting a mercifully cooling shade over the poor orange-skinned sweaty ex-president, protecting Trump from sunburn and the potentially mortal threat of skin cancer during a sweltering Florida golf outing. We were also happy to report that the…

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Joe Biden: Trump Made “Very Generous” Bribe-for-Pardon Offer

Dissociated Press President Joe Biden has confirmed that he received a “welcome to the White House” letter from his predecessor Donald Trump, telling reporters from the Oval Office that the note was “very generous.” “The president wrote a very generous letter,” Biden said. “Because it was private, and included a bribe offer, I won’t talk about it until I talk to him and bargain the price up a few more bucks. But it was generous.” A re-layable White Horse souse has reported that the “generosity” in question pertained to the sum of money Trump is offering Biden in return for…

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Trump Aims to Beat His Own Record with THIRD Impeachment: “It Would Be YUGE!”

Dissociated Press In a new video posted in an obscure corner of the darkweb, President Donald Trump congratulates himself on his world-record second impeachment, then vows to achieve an even more impressive third impeachment during his remaining five days in office. “Only two other presidents in history have been impeached even once,” Trump gloats. “I did it twice. Now get ready for number three!” In the video—entitled “Look What I Did for my Third Impeachment” (watched four times so far)— Trump boards a helicopter on the White House roof. Transported to Fifth Avenue in New York, the President emerges to…

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Moderna, Pfizer Announce New Vaccine Against Vaccine Hesitancy

Dissociated Press In a joint press conference this morning America’s two biggest vaccine makers, Moderna and Pfizer, announced that they have begun manufacturing a combined total of ten billion doses of a new vaccine against vaccine hesitancy. “Currently almost half the population is vaccine hesitant,” explained Moderna-Pfizer Cartel spokesperson Prixley “Prix” Needleman. “Obviously there is no point in making COVID-19 vaccines when so many people won’t take them. So before the full roll-out of the COVID vaccine, we are going to have to vaccinate the entire population, especially vaccine-hesitant cohorts, against vaccine hesitancy.” The so-called AntiAntiVaxVax  (AAVV) will be rolled…

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New York Times: Trump Asked Advisors if He Could Fellate Netanyahu Before He Leaves Office

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump last week asked senior aides what possibilities he had for performing fellatio on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, The New York Times reported Monday. Citing four current and former US officials, the paper reported that the meeting occurred in the Oval Office on Thursday. The source said Trump asked his highest-ranking national security advisers whether they thought  that after freeing Jonathan Pollard, trying to start a nuclear war with Iran for Israel, officially labeling BDS “anti-Semitic,” and  sending Pompeo to bless war criminal settlements, he should just go ahead and blow Bibi at the Wailing Wall and…

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Pompeo Adds Details on “Smooth Transition to Second Trump Administration”

Dissociated Press Secretary of Snake Mike Pompeo called an impromptu press conference this morning to explain the coming “smooth transition to a second Trump Administration.” “The courts will smoothly move to nullify election results in key swing states,” Pompeo explained. “Republican state legislatures will, with equal smoothness, refuse to send Democratic delegates to the Electoral College. The Supreme Court will smoothly step in and throw the election to the House, where the state-by-state vote will smoothly award the presidency to that old smoothie Donald J. Trump.” Pompeo said the “smooth transition” would then get even smoother: Massive anti-Trump demonstrations all…

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Trump Reveals “Absolute Proof Election Was Stolen”

Dissociated Press Donald Trump stunned the nation this morning by unveiling what he called “absolute proof” the election was stolen. Trump produced Michael Connell II, the GOP’s Voting Machine Adjustment Czar, who swore on a Satanic Bible that he had rigged the machines to produce a narrow Trump victory in key swing states, along with a close enough election nationwide to make it plausible. But the evil, cheating Democrats, Connell II explained, undid all of his hard work by “pulling an unexpectedly large number of mail-in ballots out of their, er, party symbol.” Trump snatched the microphone away from Connell…

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Trump to Pursue Herd Immunity Through COVID-Laced Breakfast Cereal

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has announced his new “herd immunity” plan to defeat the pandemic: A breakfast cereal made of GMO corn, high-fructose corn syrup, COVID-19 virus, and glyphosate and other artificial flavors. “If every child in America ate a bowl of CoronaFlakes every morning,” the President tweeted yesterday, “we could achieve herd immunity in less than two weeks. Back to work, America! Just in time to re-elect me and save me from another bankruptcy and maybe prison.” The herd-immunity-through-cereal strategy was drafted by Trump’s new science advisor, self-taught virologist and defrocked gynecologist Dr. Buster Hymen, inventor of the…

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NDAA Creates New Department of COVIDland Security (DCS)

Dissociated Press An obscure, totally-overlooked provision of the new National Defense Appropriation Act unanimously passed by both houses of Congress yesterday has surreptitiously merged the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, CDC, FAA, ICE, PTA, NBA, NFL, MLB, and USA into a new overarching bureaucracy called DCS: The Department of COVIDland Security. DCS is tasked with “seizing and administering total and complete control of COVIDland” which is defined as “every theater of land, sea, air, earth, and space, as well as any planets, comets asteroids, stars, galaxies, or extradimensional engagement areas (EDEAs) where documented, undocumented, hypothetical, or potential cases of COVID-19…

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