“Rich Men North of Richmond” was a hard act to follow. What’s Oliver Anthony going to do for an encore?
FULL ARTICLEBarbie Doll from Barbados
Tag: satire
Ex-Intel Officials: Teenage Hookers, Laptop, Ukrainian Payoff and Cocaine Found at White House Doesn’t Belong to Hunter Biden
It’s Probably Just Russian Disinfo, Say the Experts Dissociated Press More than 50 former intelligence officials have signed a letter casting doubt on reports that the two teenage hookers, incriminating laptop, pile of Ukrainian-sourced cash, and spilled cocaine found yesterday at the White House has anything to do with Hunter Biden. Instead, they say, the story “has all the classic earmarks of a Russian information operation.” While the letter’s signatories presented no evidence, they said their national security experience had made them “deeply suspicious that the Russian government played a significant role in this case” and cited several elements of…
FULL ARTICLETrump, Kennedy Struck Down by “Magic Bullet”
Experts say improbable trajectory was purely coincidental Dissociated Press The simultaneous assassinations of leading 2024 presidential contenders Donald J. Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has stunned the nation. Perhaps inevitably, conspiracy theories have been circulating on social media almost as fast as they can be removed by trust-and-safety experts. All scientists and fact-checkers agree that those conspiracy theories are baseless and unsubstantiated. According to ballistics experts, the bullet that traversed Trump’s skull at Mar-a-Lago, turned 180 degrees, and traveled over 2500 miles to Malibu, California, shattering RFK Jr.’s kitchen window and penetrating his chest, has been recovered from a…
FULL ARTICLEPentagon Killer AI Experiment Works—Too Well
Dissociated Press Informed sources report that yesterday the Joint Chiefs of Staff turned over all command-and-control functions to the Frontier supercomputer in the Pentagon basement running an AI program called Terminal Terminator. Unfortunately, the AI was programmed to “kill evildoers.” Within microseconds of being switched on, the program had begun seizing control of US military assets and using them to destroy the US military itself, as well as allied intelligence agencies, think tanks, and governmental and diplomatic facilities. George W. Bush, who was immediately killed by the AI program, could not be reached for comment.
FULL ARTICLEPentagon Reveals Chinese Spy Balloon Was “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom”
Dissociated Press A Pentagon spokesperson reported Wednesday that the Chinese spy balloon shot down off South Carolina last week was a “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom” (WHC) that posed a serious threat to America’s national virility. According to the report, the Chinese have developed a new polymer-layering nanotechnology that can be sprayed on the outside of an ordinary condom, giving it incredible strength and allowing it to be inflated to enormous sizes. “By tumescing it with helium and sending it into American airspace, the Chinese demonstrated their ability to put a gargantuan phallus right there over our heads. It’s a gigantic ‘fuck-you’…
FULL ARTICLEBiden, Trump Used Classified Docs as Toilet Paper – Report
Dissociated Press President Biden and former President Trump are facing Justice Department investigations after security camera footage surfaced showing both men using classified documents as toilet paper. In the wake of the revelations, based on footage from restroom security cameras installed by multiple agencies including the CIA, NSA, FBI, ADL, and ASPCA, Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed former Justice Department official Robert Hur to lead a DOJ probe. The leaked footage shows Biden and Trump performing hygienic functions with “secret” and “top secret” documents on multiple occasions in April, 2020, when America faced a toilet paper shortage due to…
FULL ARTICLESantos Attacks “Anti-Semitic Holocaust-Denying Homophobes” Who Are Badgering Him to Resign
Dissociated Press Republican Congressperson George Santos lashed out yesterday at the growing chorus calling on him to resign. Speaking at an impromptu press conference at Foneys Club in Lower Manhattan, Santos said that anyone who doubts that he is a gay Jewish Holocaust survivor is an “anti-Semitic Holocaust-denying homophobe.” Santos pointed out that according to woke (TM) identity politics, people are free to choose their own identities regardless of the biological and historical facts, and that anyone who points out those facts must be permanently canceled. “If I’m a man and say I’m a woman, I’m a woman, and you’d damn…
FULL ARTICLEBill Gates: “COVID Vaccines Are The Final Solution.” ADL: “That’s Anti-Semitic!”
Dissociated Press The Anti-Defecation League has demanded that Bill Gates apologize for calling COVID vaccines “the Final Solution.” At a press conference in Basel, Switzerland, ADL chief Jonathan Greenbutt read a prepared statement flaying Gates for his insensitivity to Jewish suffering. “There is only one Final Solution,” Greenbutt intoned, “and that is the sacred six-million-victim big-H Holocaust. If Bill Gates thinks he can erase the memory of Hitler’s six million Jewish victims by killing six billion people and calling that the Final Solution, he needs to know that he’s being..how shall I put it…anti-Semitic.” Greenbutt explained that the ADL owns the…
FULL ARTICLEStrip Club Owners Demand Apology From Tucker Carlson
They don’t appreciate Fox News host comparing them to Zelensky Dissociated Press The Strip Club Owners of America, the industry’s leading Washington lobby, has demanded that Fox host Tucker Carlson apologize for what they called his “vile” comparison of them to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky. “I don’t care if he’s the president of war-torn Timbuktu, this guy is a sleazeball, even compared to us,” said Sam Skanksky, SCOA’s slimy-green-sweatsuit-wearing spokesscumbag. “I wouldn’t hire him to play piano at my club, even if he promised to wipe off the keys afterwards.” “I may be a small-time clubowning pimp who deals coke…
FULL ARTICLEQatar Doesn’t Have Enough Genders to Host a World Cup
Video link Qatar has lots of money, talent, stadium space, hotels, and airport runways. But it’s missing something important. It doesn’t have enough genders to host a World Cup. Can you imagine holding an athletic event in a country that only recognizes two genders? Don’t they know that “male” and “female” are passé, oppressive, and supremacist? Haven’t they heard that civilized cities like San Francisco now recognize 97 gender options and 19 sexual orientations? Hey Qatar, it’s 2022! Civilized, developed nations like the United States have nearly passed the 100-gender threshhold, and within a decade are expected to feature more…
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