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Dear San Francisco: Please pay me not to shoot people. How do I apply?

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Emailed a few minutes ago: Dear San Francisco Human Rights Commission, According to Newsweek magazine, your “new program in San Fransisco (sic) will pay people at high risk of shooting someone not to pull the trigger to help alleviate rising gun violence in the city. The Dream Keeper Fellowship is set to launch in October and pay 10 individuals $300 each month to not be involved in shootings, Sheryl Davis executive director of the Human Rights Commission told Newsweek in an interview Tuesday.” I like that idea. But $300 a month, no matter how many people you don’t…

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Woke Resistance to the Taliban Begins Now! Rainbow Flags Sprout Like Poppies in Hindu Kush

Kevin Barrett

By Akhmadijah Masjoud, for the Washington Pooft Dissociated  Press In 1998, when I was a 9 year old boy who identified as two girls, my father, the mujuhideen commander Ahmad Shah Masjoud, gathered his gender-confused soldiers in a nightclub of dubious repute in the Pansyjhir Valley of northern Afghanistan. They sat around in dresses and high heels and listened as my father’s very special friend, bisexual Zionist philosopher Bernard-Henri Lévy, lisped: “When you fight for your freedom to dreth up in womenth clothing,” Lévy said, “you fight also for our freedom to be ruled by Zionitht thexual blackmailerth like Jeffrey…

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Zuckerberg: Facebook’s new prayer app will spy on God, steal His data

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Speaking at a press conference near the site of the planned Facebook Temple in Occupied Jerusalem, Facebook Grand Inquisitor Mark Zuckerberg has announced the rollout of a new prayer tool that he hopes will give him exclusive access to God’s private communications: “You’ve got to think big in this business, you’ve got to move fast and break things. We’ve already stolen everybody on Earth’s data and made a fortune on all those dumb fucks. So why not God’s?” Zuckerberg bragged that his IT engineers have managed to breach God’s privacy firewall. “God, unlike the dumb fucks He created,…

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Final Solution to Israel’s Jewish Problem

Kevin Barrett

Watch the bowdlerized YouTube version of FFWN above, or the full uncensored show HERE By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor Israel has a problem. A Jewish problem. A very Jewish problem. Israel is having difficulty figuring out who’s Jewish and who isn’t. And that’s a problem. Because it’s important. Those deemed “Jews” get rights, the others get left out. For example, Israel won’t let its gold medalist Artem Dolgopyat get married. Why not? Because the Chief Rabbinate says he isn’t Jewish. Dolgopyat’s dad is Jewish. But his mom is not. According to the Rabbinate, you need a Jewish mother to…

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Prince Philip gets his wish, reincarnates as deadly virus

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The British Royal Family disclosed this morning that the late Prince Philip, who passed away last Friday, has already achieved his fondest wish and succeeded in reincarnating as a deadly virus. A statement from Buckingham Palace, issued shortly before noon, said: “It is with great pride and appreciation that Her Majesty the Queen announces the reincarnation of her beloved husband, his deceased Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, as a deadly virus.” The British government announced that after the requisite eight days of national mourning of Philip’s passing, there would follow eight days of joyous celebration of…

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Football Is Anti-Semitic. Here’s How to Fix It.

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Guest op-ed by Jonathan Greenbutt, Anti-Defecation League Anti-Semitism in sports is totally out of control. First, NBA power forward Leonard Myers unknowingly used an obsolete slur while playing a video game. Then the Duxbury Durchgangslagers, a Massachussetts high school football team, got caught calling Nazi plays. Fortunately the coach was fired. He’ll never work in this town again. Nor will any of his players, nor the cheerleaders, nor anybody else from that school. Even the janitor will never mop floors again. They’re on our list, and they’ll never get off. Satisfying as such punishments are, they don’t address the…

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NBA Player Will Clean Toilets for 5 Years to Atone for Shouting Anti-Irish Slur

Kevin Barrett

Which Proves There Is No Such Thing as “Irish Power” Dissociated Press Leonard Meyers, 29-year-old power forward for the Alaska Cool, has been traded to Siberia, where he will clean toilets for a new Russian NBA franchise for five years to atone for shouting an anti-Irish slur while playing a video game. Myers found himself embroiled in controversy earlier this month after he repeatedly screamed the anti-Irish expletive “mick” while playing the popular “Stone the Stones” video game. The game involves players throwing rocks at members of a famous rock band, with points awarded for direct hits. The former NBA…

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Five Who Used Marijuana in Past Exit White House — The Rest Will Keep Using in Present and Future

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Five White House advisors who used marijuana in the past, but have given it up in the present and vowed not to partake in the future, have been ignominiously booted from the Biden Administration.  Press Secretary Jen Psaki explained: “The President (cough, cough) wants only fully-qualified stoners—people who are truly high on America, and who are smoking weed right now at this very moment (whushshshshshsh) and who will keep right on toking till doomsday. Ex-users, T-breakers, and others who are not fried, stoned, baked, bouldered, blitzed, blazed, dazed & confused, short-term-memory-impaired, and looking just as clueless and brain-dead…

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Grandfather arrested, grandchildren expelled for “possession and use of Dr. Seuss”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A Florida man is in prison, and his grandchildren have been expelled from school, in the wake of the FBI’s first major crackdown on illicit Dr. Seuss books. Benjamin B. Bicklebaum, 73, of Tarpon Springs, Florida was arrested last night after a SWAT team raid uncovered what authorities called “an extremely disturbing collection of extremist literature.” Bicklebaum, who faces seventeen counts of domestic extremism and terrorism charges, was allegedly found in possession of an extremely dangerous arsenal of Dr. Seuss books featuring racist, sexist, anti-Semitic, and transphobic images and tropes. If convicted, Bicklebaum faces up to 140 years…

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Fauci says pandemic won’t end till 110% of the population is vaccinated

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a stern warning to the American public, COVID czar Anthony Fauci said this morning that masking, social distancing, small business shutdowns, job losses, media fearmongering, oligarch profiteering, Orwellian censorship and surveillance, and his own fifteen minutes of fame will continue forever, because the crisis will not end until at least 110% of the population is vaccinated. “Think of it this way,” the avuncular pandemic poobah explained. “The best vaccine, Moderna’s, only has a 90% success rate. So what percent of the population would you have to vaccinate to get to 100% success? You don’t need a calculator…

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