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Israel has a problem. A Jewish problem. A very Jewish problem.
Israel is having difficulty figuring out who’s Jewish and who isn’t. And that’s a problem. Because it’s important. Those deemed “Jews” get rights, the others get left out.
For example, Israel won’t let its gold medalist Artem Dolgopyat get married. Why not? Because the Chief Rabbinate says he isn’t Jewish.
Dolgopyat’s dad is Jewish. But his mom is not. According to the Rabbinate, you need a Jewish mother to be really, truly Jewish. So no matter how much your dad pushes you to apply for medical school, not having a mom who implores you to become “my son the doctor” makes you incorrigibly goy. Authentic “chosenness” will always elude you.
My own mom never nagged me to apply for medical school. But after I got run out of the university for questioning 9/11, and got smeared by B’nai Brith as an “anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist,” she felt the need to inform me that I ought to dial down my “anti-Semitism” because I myself might be Jewish. Her mother, my grandmother, had a maternal grandmother, a German emigrant, who might have been Jewish. So if my maternal grandmother’s maternal grandmother was Jewish, that would make me 100% kosher according to the Chief Rabbinate. If it all checks out, I’m eligible to make aliyah and move to Israel and marry Artem Dolgopyat’s girlfriend!
Reflecting on my hypothetical Jewish ancestry, and eligibility for aliyah, I suddenly hit upon the final solution to Israel’s Jewish problem. So I scheduled a meeting with Israel’s Chief Rabbinate next Thursday at 5:30 pm. I am going to explain to them a truly Talmudic loophole that will allow Artem Dolgopyat to reclaim Jewish status and marry his nice Jewish girlfriend. It goes like this:
So, listen up, rabbis! Eve was Jewish, right? After all, Y*wh* made her out of Adam’s kosher rib. And we all know kosher ribs are Jewish! (At least if you say “Hold the chitlins.”) So if Eve was the first Jewish mother, then her daughter, and her daughters’ daughters, and daughter’ daughters’ daughters, and so on, were all Jewish too. Since we can all trace our maternal ancestry to Eve, and have the mitochondria to prove it, we’re all just as Jewish as you! So the rights that Israel extends only to Jews, like the right to marry your Jewish girlfriend, should be extended to all Israel-Palestine citizens, including Artem Dolgopyat.
I assume the Rabbis will come up with equally Talmudic counter-arguments to my claim that the entire world’s population is Jewish: “Oy vey! We’ll have to whack off the tips of billions of peepees and there aren’t enough rabbis on earth to do all that whacking,” etcetera etcetera. It may take awhile to convince them. But in the end the truth, common sense, and universal human brother- and sisterhood will prevail; the Grand Rabbinate of Israel will recognize all human beings as first class citizens equally deserving of basic human rights like the right to marry your Jewish girlfriend (and to not get beaten, shot, tortured, doused with white phosphorous, and so on); and Artem Dogopyat will get to go home with both a gold medal and a Jewish bride.