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Zuckerberg: Facebook’s new prayer app will spy on God, steal His data

Dissociated Press Speaking at a press conference near the site of the planned Facebook Temple in Occupied Jerusalem, Facebook Grand Inquisitor Mark Zuckerberg has announced the rollout of a new prayer tool that he hopes will give him exclusive access to God’s private communications: “You’ve got to think big in this business, you’ve got to move fast and break things. We’ve already stolen everybody on Earth’s data and made a fortune on all those dumb fucks. So why not God’s?” Zuckerberg bragged that his IT engineers have managed to breach God’s privacy firewall. “God, unlike the dumb fucks He created,…


Facebook Bans “Jew Runs Facebook” as Hate Speech

Dissociated Press Facebook announced this morning that its ban on hate speech will be extended to include claims that a Jew owns and operates Facebook. Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerb*rg says he may extend the ban to include references to Jews who own and operate other big media companies and banks, and ultimately to any and all assertions that any Jewish person is a Jew. “Calling a Jewish person a ‘Jew’ is an age-old anti-Semitic trope,” Zuckerb*rg explained at a press conference outside the $825 billion dollar personal synagogue he recently built next door to Facebook’s headquarters in San Francisco. “Throughout…