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Joe Biden: Trump Made “Very Generous” Bribe-for-Pardon Offer

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Joe Biden has confirmed that he received a “welcome to the White House” letter from his predecessor Donald Trump, telling reporters from the Oval Office that the note was “very generous.” “The president wrote a very generous letter,” Biden said. “Because it was private, and included a bribe offer, I won’t talk about it until I talk to him and bargain the price up a few more bucks. But it was generous.” A re-layable White Horse souse has reported that the “generosity” in question pertained to the sum of money Trump is offering Biden in return for…

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Trump Aims to Beat His Own Record with THIRD Impeachment: “It Would Be YUGE!”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a new video posted in an obscure corner of the darkweb, President Donald Trump congratulates himself on his world-record second impeachment, then vows to achieve an even more impressive third impeachment during his remaining five days in office. “Only two other presidents in history have been impeached even once,” Trump gloats. “I did it twice. Now get ready for number three!” In the video—entitled “Look What I Did for my Third Impeachment” (watched four times so far)— Trump boards a helicopter on the White House roof. Transported to Fifth Avenue in New York, the President emerges to…

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Moderna, Pfizer Announce New Vaccine Against Vaccine Hesitancy

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a joint press conference this morning America’s two biggest vaccine makers, Moderna and Pfizer, announced that they have begun manufacturing a combined total of ten billion doses of a new vaccine against vaccine hesitancy. “Currently almost half the population is vaccine hesitant,” explained Moderna-Pfizer Cartel spokesperson Prixley “Prix” Needleman. “Obviously there is no point in making COVID-19 vaccines when so many people won’t take them. So before the full roll-out of the COVID vaccine, we are going to have to vaccinate the entire population, especially vaccine-hesitant cohorts, against vaccine hesitancy.” The so-called AntiAntiVaxVax  (AAVV) will be rolled…

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New York Times: Trump Asked Advisors if He Could Fellate Netanyahu Before He Leaves Office

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump last week asked senior aides what possibilities he had for performing fellatio on Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, The New York Times reported Monday. Citing four current and former US officials, the paper reported that the meeting occurred in the Oval Office on Thursday. The source said Trump asked his highest-ranking national security advisers whether they thought  that after freeing Jonathan Pollard, trying to start a nuclear war with Iran for Israel, officially labeling BDS “anti-Semitic,” and  sending Pompeo to bless war criminal settlements, he should just go ahead and blow Bibi at the Wailing Wall and…

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Pompeo Adds Details on “Smooth Transition to Second Trump Administration”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Secretary of Snake Mike Pompeo called an impromptu press conference this morning to explain the coming “smooth transition to a second Trump Administration.” “The courts will smoothly move to nullify election results in key swing states,” Pompeo explained. “Republican state legislatures will, with equal smoothness, refuse to send Democratic delegates to the Electoral College. The Supreme Court will smoothly step in and throw the election to the House, where the state-by-state vote will smoothly award the presidency to that old smoothie Donald J. Trump.” Pompeo said the “smooth transition” would then get even smoother: Massive anti-Trump demonstrations all…

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Trump Reveals “Absolute Proof Election Was Stolen”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Donald Trump stunned the nation this morning by unveiling what he called “absolute proof” the election was stolen. Trump produced Michael Connell II, the GOP’s Voting Machine Adjustment Czar, who swore on a Satanic Bible that he had rigged the machines to produce a narrow Trump victory in key swing states, along with a close enough election nationwide to make it plausible. But the evil, cheating Democrats, Connell II explained, undid all of his hard work by “pulling an unexpectedly large number of mail-in ballots out of their, er, party symbol.” Trump snatched the microphone away from Connell…

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Trump to Pursue Herd Immunity Through COVID-Laced Breakfast Cereal

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump has announced his new “herd immunity” plan to defeat the pandemic: A breakfast cereal made of GMO corn, high-fructose corn syrup, COVID-19 virus, and glyphosate and other artificial flavors. “If every child in America ate a bowl of CoronaFlakes every morning,” the President tweeted yesterday, “we could achieve herd immunity in less than two weeks. Back to work, America! Just in time to re-elect me and save me from another bankruptcy and maybe prison.” The herd-immunity-through-cereal strategy was drafted by Trump’s new science advisor, self-taught virologist and defrocked gynecologist Dr. Buster Hymen, inventor of the…

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NDAA Creates New Department of COVIDland Security (DCS)

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press An obscure, totally-overlooked provision of the new National Defense Appropriation Act unanimously passed by both houses of Congress yesterday has surreptitiously merged the FBI, CIA, NSA, DIA, DHS, CDC, FAA, ICE, PTA, NBA, NFL, MLB, and USA into a new overarching bureaucracy called DCS: The Department of COVIDland Security. DCS is tasked with “seizing and administering total and complete control of COVIDland” which is defined as “every theater of land, sea, air, earth, and space, as well as any planets, comets asteroids, stars, galaxies, or extradimensional engagement areas (EDEAs) where documented, undocumented, hypothetical, or potential cases of COVID-19…

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Trump to Dead Supporters: Vote Early and Often!

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Donald Trump is facing a storm of criticism after calling on dead people to vote for him “early and often.” Responding to critics, Trump explained that he was not urging dead people to cast “just ten or twenty” votes each, which would be illegal, and might not work anyway. Instead, he said, each corpse should cast “hundreds or thousands” of votes as a safeguard to make sure that at least one of them is counted. Trump explained that deceased people are routinely discriminated against in the voting process. “That’s one of the Democrats’ ways of rigging elections,”…

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