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Jared Kushner Solves the Coronavirus Problem with Free-Market Initiatives

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of his failed coronavirus condom initiative, First Son-In-Law Jared Kusher—smarting from criticism of his attempts to capitalize on the pandemic—has unveiled a new line of potentially profitable products that he says will “solve the coronavirus crisis just like I solved the Mideast crisis.” “After extensive focus group testing, we discovered that people don’t want to pull gigantic extra-heavy-duty condoms over their heads every time they leave the house,” Kushner explained. “So we starting thinking about other ways to promote social distancing using simple, inexpensive products that can be sold in pharmacies and supermarkets. “The first idea…

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Trump Demonstrates Use of Condoms to Prevent Spread of Covid-19

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press At a press conference this morning President Donald Trump announced a novel solution to the coronavirus problem: condoms. “We now have it totally under control, it’s going to be just fine. All you have to do is wear a condom when you go out in public,” Trump explained. The President proceeded to extract a foil packet containing a condom from his shirt pocket, open the packet, remove the condom, and pull it down over his head. As Trump mumbled guttural noises from within the rubber encasement, First Son-in-Law Jared Kusher explained: “My shadow coronavirus task force has solved…

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Coronavirus Urged to Wash Hands and Self-Quarantine After Trump-Bolsinaro Handshake

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The World Health Organization issued a directive this morning urging an unfortunate coronavirus caught between the sweaty palms of the US and Brazilian presidents to wash its hands and quarantine itself. “We don’t know what this coronavirus may have picked up from its intimate contact with two of the world’s most virulently toxic organisms,” explained WHO spokeperson Dr. Pew Triddley Stan-Jiang. “But whatever it is, it can’t be good. The coronavirus needs to vigorously scrub its hands, or more accurately its spike proteins, with pure bleach for a minimum of twenty minutes. Then it must locomote itself to…

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The Only Way to Avoid Coronavirus: Stay Home 24/7 Watching Coronavirus News

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of new studies showing that the best way to avoid coronavirus is to stay home watching coronavirus coverage, the United States government and the corporations that own it have rolled out a new plan to curtail the spread of the dread disease. Yesterday the newly-merged Center for Disease Control (CDC) and Center for Media Control (CMC) announced that beginning next week, all mainstream media outlets will merge into a single mega-corporation, the Coronavirus News Network (CvNN). Once CvNN begins broadcasting at 12:01 a.m. next Monday, the American public will be required to stay home and…

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Bloomberg: “Bernie Sanders Is a Hateful Anti-MBTQ Bigot!”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Reacting to Bernie Sanders’ blowout in the Nevada caucuses, former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg has upped the ante, accusing the Democratic frontrunner of “hateful anti-MBTQ bigotry.” “As a proud member of the most victimized and oppressed group in America, the Millionaires, Billionaires, Trillionaires, and Quadrillionaires—what we like to call the MBTQ community—I am appalled by Bernie Sanders’ shameful hate-filled slurs against one of America’s most vulnerable groups,” Bloomberg intones in a new ad that is being repeatedly force-fed to every American man, woman, child, and household pet thanks to Bloomberg’s recent $500 million dollar ad buy. “Bernie Sanders…

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Israeli Knesset Debates Mandatory Auschwitz Tattoos, “Holocaust Gene” Implants

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Israeli Knesset yesterday delayed voting on the Mandatory Tattoo Bill (KN-6283) requiring that all citizens be tattooed with Nazi concentration camp ID numbers in memory of the Holocaust. The bill also obliges newborn infants to undergo genetic screening to determine whether they carry the Holocaust Trauma Gene—and to submit to Holocaust Gene Implant Therapy (HGIT) if they don’t. Bickering over the bill threatened to derail the budding coalition between Benjamin Netanyahu’s Likud Party and Benny Gantz’s Israeli Resilience Party. Netanyahu supports both mandatory Holocaust tattoos and universal gene therapy. Gantz, for his part, supports the tattoos, but…

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Alan Dershowitz to Senators: “Keep Your Underwear on and Acquit Trump—OR ELSE”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a riveting performance before the US Senate gallery this morning, Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer Alan Dershowitz mounted a spirited defense of his new client, Donald J. Trump. Flourishing a badly stained and noticeably noisome pair of men’s Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear at the astonished senators, Dershowitz boldly intoned: “THESE are the only briefs I need to convince you to to acquit the President.” “This filthy pair of underwear is only XXL. The flabby and humongous posterior of the President of the United States is clearly at least an XXXXXXXXXXL. “So like we told the OJ Jury: IF THE UNDERWEAR DOESN’T…

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Wahhabis in Auschwitz: Senior Saudi Clerics Convert to Holocaustianity

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Acting under orders from Clown Prince Muhammad Bin Salman, a delegation of senior Saudi clerics has traveled to Auschwitz, Poland and officially converted to Holocaustianity. The conversion ceremony featured the clerics kneeling down before a statue of Anne Frank and solemnly uttering the testimony of faith: “There is no god but the Holocaust, and six million Jews died in gas chambers.” After their mass conversion, the clerics proceeded to circumambulate the alleged gas chambers where millions of Jews were supposedly killed with hydrogen cyanide gas—after which, in what can only be a divine miracle, all traces of hydrogen…

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Plan B: New “Deal of the Century” Moves “Jewish State” to Jeffrey Epstein’s Islands

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of the US Virgin Islands’ decision to confiscate Jeffrey Epstein’s islands, Jared Kushner’s “Deal of the Century” Mideast peace plan has changed. Anonymous White Horse souses say the new plan involves moving “Israel” from Occupied Palestine to the Caribbean. Epstein’s two islands, Great St. James and Little St. James, will be renamed “New Judea” and “New Samaria.”  Epstein’s blood sacrifice child rape temple will be rededicated to Yahweh and will become the seat of government of Yahweh’s Messiah, known to followers of Jesus as the Antichrist. The Messiah will lord it over the world in general,…

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Saudi Liberalization Includes “Secular Fun” for Beheading Victims

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Riyadh, Saudi Arabia Clown Prince Mr. Bone Saw (MBS) has unveiled a series of reforms designed to placate critics of Saudi Arabia’s human rights record. Speaking at yesterday’s press conference at the Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco, MBS vowed to bring “fun fun fun” to the medieval Wahhabi kingdom by allowing condemned dissidents to enjoy Western-style cinema, gambling, pornography, alcohol, sporting events, and stand-up comedy—before, during, and after their executions. “Let’s face it, public executions in Chop-Chop Square have traditionally been drab, dour, puritanical affairs,” MBS explained. “What fun is it to be beheaded under such dismal circumstances?…

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