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Sandy Hook Parent Robbie Parker Weeps in Despair After Learning He Just Won $120 Million

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Sandy Hook parent Robbie Parker has once again raised eyebrows by reacting unexpectedly to an emotionally-charged event. Informed that a jury had awarded him $120 million, Parker collapsed on the floor, weeping pitifully, before pulling himself together, wiping away the tears, and flashing an insincere smile as he kicked off the Sandy Hook parents’ press conference celebrating their $965 million dollar victory over Alex Jones. Conspiracy theorists believe that Parker and other Sandy Hook parents are crisis actors paid by Alex Jones to pretend to hate Jones while offering the Infowars host invaluable mainstream media publicity. According to…

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WEF Withdraws “Eat Bugs” Edict

Kevin Barrett

Recommends Synthetic Insects Instead Dissociated Press The World Economic Forum has withdrawn its demand that people start eating bugs. Klaus Schlob, chair of the WEF’s Dietary Dystopias Committee, called a press conference in Davos yesterday to formally repudiate an earlier WEF communiqué headlined “You Will Eat Bugs and Be Happy.” That document had argued that traditional sources of protein such as meat, dairy, eggs, fish, beans, and nuts are unsustainable and should be abandoned in favor of insect-based protein alternatives including MaggotMeat(TM), cockroach chips, spider spaghetti, lice cream, anty pasto, and other tasty bits of “grub.” “The trouble with real…

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FBI: Trump Stole Nuclear Secrets, Was Building LEGO H-Bomb in Basement

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of its raid on Mar-a-Lago, the FBI has charged former president Donald Trump with stealing nuclear secrets in order to build a LEGO H-bomb in his basement. “Trump absconded from the White House with one of America’s most closely guarded nuclear weapons secrets—namely, how to build a thousand-megaton H-bomb using simple LEGO bricks available at any Toys R Us,” explained FBI director Christopher Wray. Wray said that the agents who raided Trump’s home found the LEGO nuke instructions in Trump’s safe. “Imagine if this simple step-by-step recipe for building unimaginably destructive weapons out of cheap…

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Zelensky’s Conscription Now Targeting Nursing Homes

Kevin Barrett

Elders Flee for Their Lives Dissociated Press Ukrainian nursing home operators are reporting a surge in walk-offs due to elders’ fears that Zelensky’s increasingly desperate recruiting efforts will target them next. 75-year-old retiree Cadger Starets, who recently went AWOL from the Kladovyshche Nursing Home in Kiev, explained during an interview at an undisclosed location: “They’re already grabbing 50-year-olds off the streets, beaches, shopping malls, ‘checkpoints, gas stations and other public places.’ Looks like they’re coming for us next.” Ukrainian President Vlodomyr Zelensky denied reports that militarily unfit old people are next in line for the press gang treatment. “We understand…

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BREAKING! Georgia Guidestones Attack Suspect Identified

Kevin Barrett

Larry Silverstein, Who Purchased the Guidestones Two Months Ago, Confesses to “Pulling” Them Dissociated Press A suspect has been identified in the demolition of the Georgia Guidestones: 91-year-old New York City businessman Larry Silverstein. Silverstein, in interview for the new PBS documentary “Georgia Rebuilds,” says: “I remember getting a call from the, er, State Police commander telling me they were not sure they could contain the damage. And I said, ‘well, you know, killing seven billion people would be such a terrible loss of life, that maybe the best thing to do is, is pull them. And so they made that…

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Western “Intelligence”: Putin is Sick, Dead, or Worse

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A consortium of Western intelligence agencies has issued an assessment claiming that Russian President Vladimir Putin is sick, dead, or even worse. “Based on the fact that his face looks kind of puffy and he doesn’t smile as much as he didn’t used to, we assess with a high degree of confidence that Putin either has cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, or plague, or most likely some combination of those conditions; or that he is dead and just hasn’t realized it yet; or that he died and has been replaced by the fat guy…

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Biden, Over Chicken Kyiv Lunch, Renames World’s Strategic Waterways

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Shakespeare told us that “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” But President Biden believes names have power. That’s why he renamed his favorite White House luncheon dish “chicken Kyiv,” using the Ukrainian rather than Russian spelling of the Ukrainian capital. Then he upped the ante this afternoon, over chicken Kyiv lunch, by renaming three of the world’s key strategic waterways. “The Black Sea has got to go,” said Biden. “It’s liquid and black. It reminds me too much of a Black Russian, which by the way I have renamed a Black Ukrainian—which as of…

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BREAKING! Monkeypox Virus Escapes, Simian Death Syndrome (SDS) Cases Soar

Kevin Barrett

Biden Blames Putin, Calls for Vaccines and More Aid to Ukraine Dissociated Press The Center for Disease Scares (CDS) has issued a new warning that the dreaded monkeypox—a highly contagious illness that makes monkeys of men and women—is spreading across America. At a hastily-arranged  press conference in the monkey house of the National Zoo at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, President Joe Biden and his Chief Medical Ape Anthony Fauci called for Americans to unite in shared sacrifice to defeat the dread disease. “I have ordered the purchase of more than 500 million doses of experimental monkeypox injections from my…

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McDonalds Leaves Russia—Russians Gain Four Years of Life Expectancy

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Russian Ministry of Health announced Tuesday that McDonalds’ decision to leave Russia is expected to add more than four years to the average Russian’s life expectancy. Studies undertaken by the University of Moscow School of Health Issues and Troubles (UMSHIT) show that when the drunken buffoon Boris Yeltsin took over Russia after the CIA coup of 1991, Russian men lost almost a decade of life expectancy. Originally it was thought that the looting of Russia by CIA-affiliated Zionist billionaire oligarchs had destroyed life-support systems for food, utilities, and other infrastructure, and that Russians were so depressed about…

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Zelensky and Hunter Biden Announce Donbass Wedding and Black Sea Honeymoon

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press It what can only be hailed as a glorious political romance for the ages, Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky has announced his engagement to Hunter Biden, the American President’s glamorous ne’er-do-well son. The happy couple announced on Twittstagram that they will hold an elaborate traditional wedding in the bucolic Donbass region as soon as it is cleared of Russian troops, after which they will embark on a glamorous honeymoon on the shores of the Black Sea. The happy couple expects to snuggle up in a five-star hotel that will soon be built on the ruins of the Azov Steelworks…

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