President Biden and former President Trump are facing Justice Department investigations after security camera footage surfaced showing both men using classified documents as toilet paper.
In the wake of the revelations, based on footage from restroom security cameras installed by multiple agencies including the CIA, NSA, FBI, ADL, and ASPCA, Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed former Justice Department official Robert Hur to lead a DOJ probe.
The leaked footage shows Biden and Trump performing hygienic functions with “secret” and “top secret” documents on multiple occasions in April, 2020, when America faced a toilet paper shortage due to panic buying at the onset of the COVID pandemic.
Trump, reached by telephone at Mar-a-Lago, insisted that the documents in question were no longer classified at the moment he used them. After first claiming that he orally declassified the documents by muttering a secret formula over them “before wiping, and definitely before flushing,” Trump changed his story and said that classified documents are automatically declassified at the moment that a president or former president conceives of the idea of using them for toilet paper, and that therefore the documents had been declassified “since I swiped them from the Oval Office and took them home to stash in my bathroom in case I ever ran out of TP.”
Biden, for his part, said he brought home reams of classified documents for Hunter to spread on the floor to protect the carpet before engaging in vile and disgusting acts, and that when the April 2020 toilet paper shortage hit he naturally thought of another use for them.
The CIA, NSA, FBI, ADL, and ASPCA claim that Trump and Biden endangered national security by flushing the classified material through unsecured sewage pipes, and that “plumbers” like Nixon’s, only Russian or Chinese, could conceivably have tapped into the sewage lines and gained access to the documents.