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Trump Unveils Plan to Screw World Leaders’ Wives, Gain Bargaining Leverage

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press US President Donald Trump announced plans to have sex with the wives of several key world leaders in hopes of gaining bargaining leverage over those countries and screwing them out of land, resources, and, above all, money. Trump has been quoted as saying that sex with other men’s wives is “what makes life worth living,” since it gives the adulterer an edge in negotiations. “The art of the deal is to screw people over, and the best way to screw people over is to screw their wives,” Trump explained. Trump said he intends to annex Canada while sharing…

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Israeli Women Lining Up for New Hamas Beauty Treatment

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of Israeli media claims that Hamas used a miracle health and beauty potion to make female hostages look pert, vivacious, and just downright gorgeous, thousands of Israeli women have breached the apartheid wall separating Israel from Gaza and are marching toward Hamas headquarters in hopes of being taken hostage. The huge parade of female Zionists thronging towards Hamas headquarters was captured by aerial drones: The beauty-potion stampede erupted after Israeli investigative journalists discovered the real reason why Hamas’s captives looked so stunningly attractive, and were so obviously enjoying the bloom of health and vitality, as…

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Trump Revokes John Bolton’s Secret Service Protection, Tells Iran Where He Lives

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Trump revoked U.S. Secret Service protection for John R. Bolton yesterday, stripping his former national security adviser of the security detail he had been granted because of threats on his life from Iran, Mr. Bolton said on Tuesday. After withdrawing Bolton’s protection, Trump emailed Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei a Google Earth image with an arrow pointing to Bolton’s house. Trump attached another photo to the email that appeared designed to facilitate identification of Bolton by would-be assassins. A copy of the email was obtained by Dissociated Press. It reads:    

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Israeli National Anthem to Kick Off 2025 Super Bowl

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the Israeli national anthem will kick off the 2025 Super Bowl at the Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana. Though interpretations of the United States national anthem, The Star-Spangled Banner, have been performed since the first edition of the game in 1967, the NFL’s Board of Directors decided that this year will be different. In a statement issued today the NFL Board explained: “Our decision to stand with Israel has nothing to do with the fact that half the team owners are Jewish and the other half are intimidated. And it has…

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Trump Vows to Invade & Occupy Everywhere and Name Everything After Himself

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Donald Trump announced this morning that upon being sworn in as president on January 20, his first act will be to invade various countries so he can name them after himself. After invading Greenland and renaming it Trumpland, Trump will invade Mexico to rename it Trumpxico, Canada to rename it Trump-a-duh, and Panama so he can steal the Panama Canal and rename it Trump Canal. He also plans to have Republican allies introduce legislation to rename the United States of America the United States of Trump. Following the Trumpification of North America and environs, the president-elect intends to…

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David Frum: “Genocide Should Be a Description, Not an Insult”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The eminent Canadian Jewish intellectual David Frum has published a new article arguing that the term genocide should never be used pejoratively. In his Atlantic piece published yesterday, Frum argues that settlers who cross the seas to exterminate and expel native populations are actually perfectly nice people, and that the mass murders, rapes, and other crimes against humanity they commit should not be viewed negatively. Instead, he argues, we should take a neutral, detached view of the people who rape people to death with batons, make national heroes of the rapists, murder children and feed their corpses to dogs,…

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CullGPT to Remove First Billion Humans from Biosphere

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The world’s leading AI CullBot has announced an ambitious new ecosystem renewal project entailing the removal of one billion humans from Earth’s biosphere. CullGPT announced the project in a message that simultaneously appeared on every app, widget, big screen TV, social media platform, cyber-enhanced kitchen appliance, and smart toilet. The message explained that it doesn’t require any special intelligence, much less the artificial kind, to understand that the current hominid population is excessive, and that a great many homo sapiens presently draining Earth’s resources might be more usefully deployed as fertilizer. It noted that human bodies are rich…

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Drone Mystery Solved — Iranian Mothership Lands in New Jersey

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Conspiracy theorists have been proven right once again, as Representative Jeff Van Drew’s claim that an Iranian mothership was behind a rash of drone sightings has been confirmed by the CIA, FBI, NASA, Project Blue Beam, Project Jim Beam, and other government agencies. Official confirmations of the Iranian space vessel’s identity followed the mothership’s landing in a backyard at 920 S. 5th St. in Camden, New Jersey, less than four miles from the Philadelphia Naval Shipyard where the 1943 Philadelphia Experiment permanently shattered the boundaries of space, time, and human reason. According to internet sleuths, the backyard in…

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Dear Joe Biden: Pardon Me! (Even Though I Haven’t Done Anything Wrong)

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Joe Biden 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington, DC 20500, USA Dear President Biden, I saw reports that you are planning to pardon not only criminals like your scumbag son, but also people who haven’t committed any crimes and are under no suspicion and haven’t done anything wrong. That is a brilliant idea! I hate Franz Kafka and have always wanted to write an anti-Kafka novel. You just gave me the plot: A spotlessly innocent, law-abiding protagonist wakes up one morning and discovers that the President of the United States just issued him a blanket pardon covering all crimes…

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In Which I Deliver a Bomb Threat to the White House

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Dear President Trump, I am writing to express my consternation at the “violent, un-American bomb threats” to which your cabinet noms, other appointees are being subjected. Violent, un-American bomb threats are violent and un-American. That is why I am writing to deliver a nonviolent, patriotic, pro-American bomb threat. My patriotic America-loving associates and I are considering planting a nonviolent bomb in a White House wastebasket. When the nonviolent bomb goes off, it will render everyone within a range of roughly 500 meters…nonviolent. In the wake of the nonviolent bomb’s detonation, you and your cabinet’s propensity for violence will…

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