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Israel’s United Nations Ambassador Threatens to Gas Himself If UN Doesn’t Condemn Hamas

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Last Monday Gilad Erlan, Israel’s UN ambassador,  brandished a yellow star—and said he wouldn’t take it off until the UN condemned Hamas. Erlan’s UN colleagues, as well as some Israeli officials, rolled their eyes. Erlan, angered by the frosty reception, got an Auschwitz-style number tattoo at his local tattoo parlor and spent Tuesday flashing it at his colleagues.  Most were unimpressed. But the ambassadors from Tuvalu, the Maldives, and Liechtenstein all said it looked very nice. Now Erlan is upping the ante. Still wearing the yellow star and sporting the tattoo, the Israeli ambassador told the General Assembly…

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Anthony Blinken Offers SHOCKING Admission in “Holocaust Survivor” Speech

Kevin Barrett

US Secretary of State Anthony Blinken touched down this morning in Doha, Qatar, to negotiate the release of Americans held by Hamas. Shortly before Blinken’s speech, it seems that the Emir of Qatar, Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, dosed the US Secretary of State’s coffee with scopolamine, colloquially known as “truth serum.” Below is a text of Blinken’s speech. Speech by Anthony Blinken in Doha, Qatar October 20, 2023 Good morning. My name is Anthony Blinken. Today is my 996th day as U.S. Secretary of State. And this is the 839th time I’ve flown to a foreign country and…

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Ex-Intel Officials: Teenage Hookers, Laptop, Ukrainian Payoff and Cocaine Found at White House Doesn’t Belong to Hunter Biden

Kevin Barrett

It’s Probably Just Russian Disinfo, Say the Experts Dissociated Press More than 50 former intelligence officials have signed a letter casting doubt on reports that the two teenage hookers, incriminating laptop, pile of Ukrainian-sourced cash, and spilled cocaine found yesterday at the White House has anything to do with Hunter Biden. Instead, they say, the story “has all the classic earmarks of a Russian information operation.” While the letter’s signatories presented no evidence, they said their national security experience had made them “deeply suspicious that the Russian government played a significant role in this case” and cited several elements of…

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California Reparations Task Force: Pay Descendants of Enslaved People to Urinate in Public

Kevin Barrett

A “Golden Opportunity” for Restorative Justice Dissociated Press After demanding that state lawmakers ban the arrest and prosecution of people who violate laws against public urination, California’s reparations task force has upped the ante by calling for financial rewards for public urinators. Under the proposed Pay2Pee program, anyone descended from enslaved people could claim a $500 reward for each act of public urination, while “power pissers” who emit more than a half-gallon a day would be offered a ten-thousand-dollar-a-week stipend. Former San Francisco District Attorney Chesa Boudin, an advisor to the task force, said that paying people to urinate in…

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Trump, Kennedy Struck Down by “Magic Bullet”

Kevin Barrett

Experts say improbable trajectory was purely coincidental Dissociated Press The simultaneous assassinations of leading 2024 presidential contenders Donald J. Trump and Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has stunned the nation. Perhaps inevitably, conspiracy theories have been circulating on social media almost as fast as they can be removed by trust-and-safety experts. All scientists and fact-checkers agree that those conspiracy theories are baseless and unsubstantiated. According to ballistics experts, the bullet that traversed Trump’s skull at Mar-a-Lago, turned 180 degrees, and traveled over 2500 miles to Malibu, California, shattering RFK Jr.’s kitchen window and penetrating his chest, has been recovered from a…

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Pentagon Killer AI Experiment Works—Too Well

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Informed sources report that yesterday the Joint Chiefs of Staff turned over all command-and-control functions to the Frontier supercomputer in the Pentagon basement running an AI program called Terminal Terminator. Unfortunately, the AI was programmed to “kill evildoers.” Within microseconds of being switched on, the program had begun seizing control of US military assets and using them to destroy the US military itself, as well as allied intelligence agencies, think tanks, and governmental and diplomatic facilities. George W. Bush, who was immediately killed by the AI program, could not be reached for comment.    

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Pentagon Reveals Chinese Spy Balloon Was “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A Pentagon spokesperson reported Wednesday that the Chinese spy balloon shot down off South Carolina last week was a “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom” (WHC) that posed a serious threat to America’s national virility. According to the report, the Chinese have developed a new polymer-layering nanotechnology that can be sprayed on the outside of an ordinary condom, giving it incredible strength and allowing it to be inflated to enormous sizes. “By tumescing it with helium and sending it into American airspace, the Chinese demonstrated their ability to put a gargantuan phallus right there over our heads. It’s a gigantic ‘fuck-you’…

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John Kerry: “Select Group of Hos” at Davos Is “Extra-Terrestrial”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Commenting on the world’s largest gathering of high-end prostitutes at the WEF meeting in Davos, former US Senator John Kerry let slip that some of the hustlers have come from the far ends of the galaxy to service the self-styled human elite: “When you start to think about it, it’s pretty extraordinary that we – an elite group of humans selected by Klaus Schwab – are able to go back to our hotel rooms with hos from Betelgeuse, Alpha Centauri, or even the Crab Nebulae. The stuff they can do with those tentacles…I mean, it’s almost extra-terrestrial! In…

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Biden, Trump Used Classified Docs as Toilet Paper – Report

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Biden and former President Trump are facing Justice Department investigations after security camera footage surfaced showing both men using classified documents as toilet paper. In the wake of the revelations, based on footage from restroom security cameras installed by multiple agencies including the CIA, NSA, FBI, ADL, and ASPCA,  Attorney General Merrick Garland has appointed former Justice Department official Robert Hur to lead a DOJ probe. The leaked footage shows Biden and Trump performing hygienic functions with “secret” and “top secret” documents on multiple occasions in April, 2020, when America faced a toilet paper shortage due to…

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