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Alan Dershowitz to Senators: “Keep Your Underwear on and Acquit Trump—OR ELSE”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a riveting performance before the US Senate gallery this morning, Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer Alan Dershowitz mounted a spirited defense of his new client, Donald J. Trump. Flourishing a badly stained and noticeably noisome pair of men’s Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear at the astonished senators, Dershowitz boldly intoned: “THESE are the only briefs I need to convince you to to acquit the President.” “This filthy pair of underwear is only XXL. The flabby and humongous posterior of the President of the United States is clearly at least an XXXXXXXXXXL. “So like we told the OJ Jury: IF THE UNDERWEAR DOESN’T…

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Wahhabis in Auschwitz: Senior Saudi Clerics Convert to Holocaustianity

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Acting under orders from Clown Prince Muhammad Bin Salman, a delegation of senior Saudi clerics has traveled to Auschwitz, Poland and officially converted to Holocaustianity. The conversion ceremony featured the clerics kneeling down before a statue of Anne Frank and solemnly uttering the testimony of faith: “There is no god but the Holocaust, and six million Jews died in gas chambers.” After their mass conversion, the clerics proceeded to circumambulate the alleged gas chambers where millions of Jews were supposedly killed with hydrogen cyanide gas—after which, in what can only be a divine miracle, all traces of hydrogen…

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Plan B: New “Deal of the Century” Moves “Jewish State” to Jeffrey Epstein’s Islands

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of the US Virgin Islands’ decision to confiscate Jeffrey Epstein’s islands, Jared Kushner’s “Deal of the Century” Mideast peace plan has changed. Anonymous White Horse souses say the new plan involves moving “Israel” from Occupied Palestine to the Caribbean. Epstein’s two islands, Great St. James and Little St. James, will be renamed “New Judea” and “New Samaria.”  Epstein’s blood sacrifice child rape temple will be rededicated to Yahweh and will become the seat of government of Yahweh’s Messiah, known to followers of Jesus as the Antichrist. The Messiah will lord it over the world in general,…

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Saudi Liberalization Includes “Secular Fun” for Beheading Victims

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Riyadh, Saudi Arabia Clown Prince Mr. Bone Saw (MBS) has unveiled a series of reforms designed to placate critics of Saudi Arabia’s human rights record. Speaking at yesterday’s press conference at the Monte Carlo Casino in Monaco, MBS vowed to bring “fun fun fun” to the medieval Wahhabi kingdom by allowing condemned dissidents to enjoy Western-style cinema, gambling, pornography, alcohol, sporting events, and stand-up comedy—before, during, and after their executions. “Let’s face it, public executions in Chop-Chop Square have traditionally been drab, dour, puritanical affairs,” MBS explained. “What fun is it to be beheaded under such dismal circumstances?…

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Trump Claims “King of Israel” Nationality, Bans Criticism of Himself by Executive Order

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel and making “Jewish” a nationality, the White House announced yesterday that Trump will go one step further and claim “King of Israel” nationality and “Second Coming of God” status, effectively exempting himself from criticism. Trump, who annointed himself King of Israel and Second Coming of God last August, is expected to issue a new executive order tomorrow making “King of Israel” a protected nationality and “second coming of God” a special religious identity off-limits to sacrilege, blasphemy, heresy, or any other form of criticism. Once the…

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Trump, ADL Propose Re-Education Camps for “People Who Don’t Love Israel Enough”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of President Trump’s executive order banning criticism of Israel on college campuses, the ADL has unveiled a plan to send violators to re-education camps—and Trump just tweeted his approval. The plan calls for the US Army Corps of Engineers to repurpose dozens of derelict strip malls, Wal-Marts, military bases, and sewage treatment facilities as re-education camps tasked with helping critics of Israel overcome their destructive habit and become productive members of society. “Critics of Israel may be subhuman goyim who must ultimately be enslaved or exterminated,” ADL spokesman M.M. Schneerson explained, “but they deserve a…

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Trump Vows to “Finish the Job Hitler Started”—Jewish Audience Stunned

Kevin Barrett

Ft. Lauderdale, FL Dissociated Press President Donald J. Trump, in a speech to  The Organization of Eminent Jewish-American Magnates (TOEJAM), shocked his audience yesterday by vowing to “finish the job Hitler started.” “A lot of you are in the real estate business, because I know you very well. You’re brutal killers, not nice people at all,” Trump said. “That’s why, together, we can finish the job Hitler started.” Amid audible gasps, Trump continued: “By ‘finish the job,’ I mean the Greater Israel project. Did you know that without Hitler, Israel never would have existed? It was Hitler who signed the…

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“I Pimped the Children”

Kevin Barrett

I Pimped the Children by “The Epsteins”   I pimped the children But I didn’t commit suicide I pimped the children But I surely didn’t kill myself All around in my home town They were trying to track my clients down Now they say they want me to plead guilty To the killing of yours truly To the crime of strangling me, but I say I pimped the children But you know I didn’t kill myself I pimped the children But I surely didn’t strangle myself Sheriff Bill he always loved me And why that was we all know He…

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The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! – Larry Silverstein

Kevin Barrett

Veterans Today strives to represent diversity in all its forms: Race, color, creed, tribal affiliation, political orientation, sexual identity, I.Q., sanity, you name it, we feature writers from all ends of the spectrum. We are especially committed to combatting the scourge of anti-Semitism. That’s why we were overjoyed, nay, ecstatic, to receive this guest editorial submission from a man who, like Jeffrey Epstein, has long enjoyed a reputation as an avatar of chutzpah and a  pillar of America’s Jewish billionaire community. –Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor The Expression “Jewish Lightning” Is Anti-Semitic! by “Lucky Larry” Silverstein, guest editorialist As a…

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The CHUTZPAH of Ghislaine Maxwell…and Donald Trump (satire)

Kevin Barrett

Watch the latest FFWN above, click HERE for links to the stories we discussed. By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor This week’s winner of the Larry Silverstein Award for Chutzpah Above and Beyond the Call of Duty is…a tie between Ghislaine “In & Out Burger” Maxwell and Donald “I Am the Chosen One” Trump. Both Maxwell and Trump are associates of another well-known avatar of chutzpah, Jeffrey Epstein, who may or may not be recovering from facelift surgery at an undisclosed location in Occupied Palestine. According to unconfirmed and hardly credible reports, when the plastic surgeon asked Epstein what kind…

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