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Bill Gates Expresses Remorse for Unleashing COVID-19

Dissociated Press

At a press conference this morning outside his 350-billion-dollar mansion sprawling across three of Seattle’s poshest neighborhoods, philanthropist Bill Gates tearfully confessed: “Woe unto me! Would that I had not hired the CIA to take Event 201 live!”

Spluttering, bawling, and blubbering, Gates toweled tears off his face and explained: “But it was…it was supposed to help with depopulation! They promised me it would! Instead, the whole world is locked down with their spouse or significant other, with nothing left to do but make babies! Horrible, awful little human babies! And there are no more condoms left, it’s even worse than toilet paper! If you order condoms on Amazon today you won’t get them for six months! And what’s worse, the abortion clinics have all closed due to social distancing! DO YOU REALIZE WHAT THIS MEANS?! The coronavirus is creating another baby boom! The horror! And almost all of the victims, useless eaters though they are, are well past reproductive age! This damned virus isn’t solving the population problem! It’s actually making it WORSE!”

Gates’ closest advisor, a nice CIA germ warfare man from Fort Detrick, consoled the grieving billionaire by whispering in his ear: “Don’t worry, next time we’ll get it right.”

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