The Center for Death Control (CDC) has warned that a new mutant strain of coronavirus has been associated with a 100% fatality rate in people who contact it.
“What we’re saying, basically, is that everybody who catches this disease is going to die,” explained CDC doomsayer Vivian LaMorte. “Get this bug, and you are condemned to utter and complete extinction. Your body will break down and finally your heart will stop beating and you will be dead. Cold, stone dead. Your lungs won’t be pumping air. Your stomach won’t be digesting food. Your brain won’t be frantically trying to suppress the thought of its own mortality. Where there once was you, a stiff, inarticulate, and not particularly good looking corpse will be. Never again will you wear a face mask. Never again will you practice social distancing. Never again will you rush out to the store to buy wholesale quantities of toilet paper. You will be done. Finished. Kaput. No more you. Bye-bye. Finito. Adios, amigo. Hasta la vista baby.
“So the CDC’s message to the American people is simple: DO NOT CATCH THIS VIRUS! You must do everything in your power to avoid situations in which you could contact it, including:
*Having any kind of contact with other people, including by telephone, internet, snailmail, morse code, or smoke signal.
*Staying indoors in any building which any human being, including yourself, has ever entered.
*Going outdoors and breathing air that anyone else might ever have breathed.
*Eating food or drinking liquids.
*Questioning the assertions of authority figures.
*Reading satirical articles on the internet.
“All of these activities, and many more, have been associated with the spread of the virus—so much so that everyone who has ever engaged in any of them is either already dead, or is absolutely certain to eventually die…at least until Bill Gates comes out with the vaccine.
“So please remember to follow CDC instructions diligently, and stay safe!”