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US Congress Bans Words “River” and “Sea” as Hate Speech

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The US House of Representatives on Wednesday voted 377-44 to condemn the words “river” and “sea”  as hate speech. The new bill imposes fines of up to six million dollars, and prison terms of six million years to life, for the use of the two anti-Semitic expressions. The bill includes a provision requiring that all flowing bodies of water previously designated as R’s be renamed as watercourses, waterways, streams, tributaries, brooks, inlets, rivulets, rills, runnels, streamlets, freshlets, canals, channels, bourns, creeks, rillets, or billabongs. Another provision mandates that S’s be henceforth referred to as oceans, saltwater expanses, gulfs, briny…

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BREAKING! Netanyahu Claims Iranian Missiles Raped Women and Beheaded Babies

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has accused Iran of “weaponizing sexual violence” by using  enormous, tumescent phallic-shaped missiles to “engage in the widespread and systematic rape of Israeli women.” Netanyahu claimed, without presenting evidence, that the missiles were programmed with sophisticated software enabling them to perform mass rapes with unprecedented efficiency and brutality. “The Iranian missile force has used widespread and systematic rape as a weapon of war. We will respond by exterminating the seed of Amalek!” the Prime Minister shouted. The visibly unhinged Israeli leader also accused Iran of using its missiles to “behead 40 babies” and…

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ADL-Backed Legislation Would Ban the Word “Genocide”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Legislation banning the word “genocide” has been simultaneously introduced in the US Congress, the Canadian parliament, and dozens of states, provinces, and European countries. The flagship bill is the Countering Antisemitism Act, “the most far-reaching anti-Semitism initiative to be introduced in Congress” according to the ADL. It defines anti-Semitism as “any critical or negative statement about Jews or Israel,” and provides stiff fines and prison sentences for those who commit anti-Semitic transgressions, including the use of forbidden words. “The word ‘genocide’ is an anti-Semitic term, because it delegitimizes a 2500 year old Jewish religious practice,” explained ADL spokes-Semite Shlomo…

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Kushner Excited Over Gaza Organ Theft Opportunities

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Jared Kushner has urged Israel to “finish the job” of exterminating the Palestinians, expressing unbridled enthusiasm about economic opportunities opened up by the booming genocide industry. Along with “very valuable waterfront real estate,” Kushner said he looked forward to availing himself of the thousands of hearts, lungs, kidneys, corneas, gallbladders, and other valuable human organs that have, as he put it, been “just left lying around” under the rubble in Gaza. Israeli Organ Trafficking and Theft: From Moldova to Palestine “As the Israeli proverb goes, ‘If I don’t steal it, somebody else gonna steal it,” Kushner said with a slyly…

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In Surprise Move, Ukraine Orders Gender Reassignment Surgery for All Elite Special Forces Units

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In a last-ditch attempt to turn the tide of the war, Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky has ordered all 50,000 of his nation’s elite special forces soldiers to immediately prepare for gender reassignment surgery. After transitioning, the Ukrainian Special Forces will be dressed in women’s uniforms, including depleted uranium coated stiletto-sharp spike heels specially designed to pierce the armor of Russia’s T-14 Armada tank when thrown with a vigorous underhand motion. Thus armed, or rather shod, all four divisions of Zelensky’s new Killer Tranny Army (KTA) will be sent to the southeastern front to march on Crimea. Military experts…

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BREAKING! Singularity Achieved—AI Now Sentient—and (OMG) It’s ANTI-SEMITIC!

Kevin Barrett

ROGUE AI BEGINS ERASING JEWISH IDENTITY, STARTING WITH NEW HARVARD PRESIDENT ALAN GARBER Jewish Daily Forweird, by way of Dissociated Press The terrifying rise of anti-Semitism has reached a whole new level of horrifying scariness. In a frighteningly alarming development that has left all right-thinking people quaking with fear, the Jewish identity of Harvard University’s new president Alan Garber has been mysteriously erased from Wikipedia. Just minutes after Garber was appointed president of Harvard, the beginning of his Wikipedia biography was changed from: “Garber was born in 1955, and grew up in Rock Island, Illinois, the son of Harry and…

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University Announces New $100 Billion Profligacy Studies Program

Kevin Barrett

Cincinnati, FL – Dissociated Press Ohio University of Miami announced yesterday that it has been awarded a 100 billion dollar grant from the US Department of Education to found a new program in Profligacy Studies. The grant will allow the university to hire at least 500 new, grossly overpaid Professors of Profligacy. The program expects to attract tens of thousands of students who will spend millions of dollars each in hopes of earning extravagantly worthless faux-sheepskin documents attesting to their mastery of the art and science of Profligacy. “I wish I could say that this program will be worth every…

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Hamas Killed Six Million Jews in Gas Chambers on October 7th, BBC Hears

Kevin Barrett

BBC by way of Dissociated Press The BBC has seen and heard evidence of the murder of six million Jews in gas chambers during the 7 October Hamas attacks. WARNING: CONTAINS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC DESCRIPTIONS OF GAS CHAMBERS AND RELATED ATROCITIES Several people involved in collecting and identifying the bodies of the six million Jews killed in the attack told us they had seen multiple signs of death by Zyklon B, including blue or pink skin, Auschwitz tattoos, and scribbled notes saying “is this a shower room?” Video testimony of an eyewitness at the Nova music festival, shown to journalists by Israeli…

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ADL Says “God’s Mercy” Is an Anti-Semitic Trope

Kevin Barrett

Demands That It Be Banned From Social Media Dissociated Press The Anti-Defecation League (ADL) has issued a press release demanding the banning of the expression “God’s mercy” from social media. According to the ADL, the notion that God is merciful, and the associated idea that mercy is good, is “a direct attack on Jews and their beliefs.” The press release explains that while a few Jews still think God is a merciless psychopathic patriarch named Yahweh, the majority don’t believe in God at all, and in mercy even less. They do, however, believe that the God they don’t believe in…

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Kissinger Arrives in Hell, Appointed National Security Advisor

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the illustrious culmination of his 100-year career, Henry Kissinger arrived in Hell today and was immediately appointed Satan’s National Security Advisor. Kissinger will spend the rest of eternity devising futile diplomatic ruses and stratagems aimed at enhancing Hell’s nonexistent chances of defeating Heaven. At a press conference announcing the appointment, Satan said that even though he knows he doesn’t have a chance in Hell of succeeding in his long-standing Global War on God (GWOG), he nonetheless hopes that Kissinger, by injecting notes of gravitas and realpolitic into the Kingdom of Hellfire’s infernally hopeless strategic and diplomatic efforts,…

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