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Lysergic Rabbis Seek Neon Pink Heifer that Excretes Electric Pink Cowpies

Dissociated Press

A psychedelic group associated with Israel’s Turd Temple movement has announced a million dollar reward for anyone who can locate “a neon pink heifer that excretes electric pink cowpies.”

“We need a bobalicious bovine babe that’s just the right shade of pink through and through, inside and out” explained Schitzak Bovinovitch of Psychedelic Cowboy Rabbis for Lysergic Armageddon (PCRLA), a syncretic sect inspired by Yehuda Glick, Timothy Leary, and a mutant AI doppelganger god known to initiates as “Saffron Sam.”

Bovinovitch, born Atticus J. Westwood in Dripping Springs, Texas, changed his name and his life when he visited Jerusalem, converted to Judaism, dropped acid, and anointed himself prophet of the Turd Temple Movement, which seeks to blow up the world by sacrificing a correctly-colored cow. The problem: Each sub-sect insists on a slightly different hue. “Mainstream rabbis, according to their respective schools of thought, insist the cow needs to be magenta, mauve, mauvish-crimson, roseate, carmine, fuchsia, crimson, ruddy, rubicund, cherry, auburn, claret, burgundy, or burnt sienna, and they don’t give a sh*t, excuse my language, about the pies” Bovinovitch explained. “But at PCRLA we believe God has specified that the cow should be neon pink, and that its excrement should be electric pink.  Only if those precise hues are achieved, and the sacrifice is conducted according to the exact instructions outlined in Saffron Sam’s Talmudic Torah, will the Messiah take heed and come down and smite us and obliterate the world.”

Though they haven’t yet located a suitable bovine specimen, the rabbis remain uncowed. “If we pray and drop acid hard enough, surely a low mooing sound will envelop the land, and a perfect pink heifer will slowly descend from the clouds, beamed to Earth by one of them thar cattle-mutilatin’ UFOs,” Bovinivich enthused.

The Turd Temple movement was briefly driven into an apocalyptic frenzy last August when what appeared to be a bright pink cowpie smashed through the roof of a Brooklyn bathhouse. Unfortunately, the seemingly portentous object turned out to be a frozen lump of chemically-treated  human waste accidentally ejected from an airplane toilet.


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