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McDonalds Leaves Russia—Russians Gain Four Years of Life Expectancy

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Russian Ministry of Health announced Tuesday that McDonalds’ decision to leave Russia is expected to add more than four years to the average Russian’s life expectancy. Studies undertaken by the University of Moscow School of Health Issues and Troubles (UMSHIT) show that when the drunken buffoon Boris Yeltsin took over Russia after the CIA coup of 1991, Russian men lost almost a decade of life expectancy. Originally it was thought that the looting of Russia by CIA-affiliated Zionist billionaire oligarchs had destroyed life-support systems for food, utilities, and other infrastructure, and that Russians were so depressed about…

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CDC Issues COVID Vaccine Recommendation for Fetuses

Kevin Barrett

Holds Off on Embryos and Gametes for Now Dissociated Press The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention updated its recommendations for the Pfizer/BioNTech Covid-19 vaccines on Wednesday to include not only children ages 0 to 5, but also fetuses from age negative seven months until birth. CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) voted 13-1 earlier Wednesday in favor of recommending Covid-19 immunizations for children and fetuses in both age groups, while postponing a decision on embryos aged negative nine months to negative seven months, and gametes of all ages and chromosomal genders. “It is critical that we protect our…

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“Freedom From Choice” Movement Demands Mandatory Vaccinations Against Free Will

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The debate over mandatory vaccinations just got even stickier, as a new group is demanding the roll-out of mandatory universal vaccinations against free will. “Obligatory COVID vaccinations may alleviate symptoms, but they don’t address the root cause of the disease,” explained Dr. Dee Turmanist, founder of the Freedom From Freedom Foundation (FFFF). “The real problem isn’t vaccine hesitancy, it’s the freedom of choice that makes vaccine hesitancy—and other choices I don’t agree with—possible.” Dr. Termanist explained that according to the materialist philosophy underlying the modern scientific paradigm, free will should not exist: “And if something shouldn’t exist, it’s…

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Will Vaxx Wars “Go Nuclear” in 2022? (write-up based on this week’s FFWN)

Kevin Barrett

Watch the full uncensored FFWN HERE By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor The top story of the last week of 2021: Putin and Biden spent almost an hour on the special “save the world from nuclear destruction hotline” doing a remake of President Merkin Muffley’s emergency call to Premier Kissoff in Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove. Putin’s message: If Biden doesn’t call back the first strike weapons Gen. Jack D. Ripper is sending to Russia’s borders, get ready for…the Doomsday Machine. Speaking of Doomsday Machines….which is the real Doomsday Machine, the virus or the vaccine? The latter looks more and more likely,…

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Bill Gates Apologizes for Smallpox Vial in his Refrigerator

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Emerging disease magnate Bill Gates has issued a heartfelt apology for keeping a vial of smallpox virus in his refrigerator. At a press conference held at the spaceport on the roof of his 300-acre Seattle mansion, Gates explained that he simply likes to collect things, especially rare and dangerous diseases, and that he never intended to uncork the vial and unleash the scourge—at least not unless his bioweapon/vaccine depopulation efforts fail. The smallpox vial was discovered by one of Gates’ maids while she was cleaning the filthy, mold-encrusted refrigerator. A tearful Gates, trying his best to sob exactly…

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Dear San Francisco: Please pay me not to shoot people. How do I apply?

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Emailed a few minutes ago: Dear San Francisco Human Rights Commission, According to Newsweek magazine, your “new program in San Fransisco (sic) will pay people at high risk of shooting someone not to pull the trigger to help alleviate rising gun violence in the city. The Dream Keeper Fellowship is set to launch in October and pay 10 individuals $300 each month to not be involved in shootings, Sheryl Davis executive director of the Human Rights Commission told Newsweek in an interview Tuesday.” I like that idea. But $300 a month, no matter how many people you don’t…

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Woke Resistance to the Taliban Begins Now! Rainbow Flags Sprout Like Poppies in Hindu Kush

Kevin Barrett

By Akhmadijah Masjoud, for the Washington Pooft Dissociated  Press In 1998, when I was a 9 year old boy who identified as two girls, my father, the mujuhideen commander Ahmad Shah Masjoud, gathered his gender-confused soldiers in a nightclub of dubious repute in the Pansyjhir Valley of northern Afghanistan. They sat around in dresses and high heels and listened as my father’s very special friend, bisexual Zionist philosopher Bernard-Henri Lévy, lisped: “When you fight for your freedom to dreth up in womenth clothing,” Lévy said, “you fight also for our freedom to be ruled by Zionitht thexual blackmailerth like Jeffrey…

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Zuckerberg: Facebook’s new prayer app will spy on God, steal His data

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Speaking at a press conference near the site of the planned Facebook Temple in Occupied Jerusalem, Facebook Grand Inquisitor Mark Zuckerberg has announced the rollout of a new prayer tool that he hopes will give him exclusive access to God’s private communications: “You’ve got to think big in this business, you’ve got to move fast and break things. We’ve already stolen everybody on Earth’s data and made a fortune on all those dumb fucks. So why not God’s?” Zuckerberg bragged that his IT engineers have managed to breach God’s privacy firewall. “God, unlike the dumb fucks He created,…

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Final Solution to Israel’s Jewish Problem

Kevin Barrett

Watch the bowdlerized YouTube version of FFWN above, or the full uncensored show HERE By Kevin Barrett, Veterans Today Editor Israel has a problem. A Jewish problem. A very Jewish problem. Israel is having difficulty figuring out who’s Jewish and who isn’t. And that’s a problem. Because it’s important. Those deemed “Jews” get rights, the others get left out. For example, Israel won’t let its gold medalist Artem Dolgopyat get married. Why not? Because the Chief Rabbinate says he isn’t Jewish. Dolgopyat’s dad is Jewish. But his mom is not. According to the Rabbinate, you need a Jewish mother to…

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Prince Philip gets his wish, reincarnates as deadly virus

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The British Royal Family disclosed this morning that the late Prince Philip, who passed away last Friday, has already achieved his fondest wish and succeeded in reincarnating as a deadly virus. A statement from Buckingham Palace, issued shortly before noon, said: “It is with great pride and appreciation that Her Majesty the Queen announces the reincarnation of her beloved husband, his deceased Royal Highness Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh, as a deadly virus.” The British government announced that after the requisite eight days of national mourning of Philip’s passing, there would follow eight days of joyous celebration of…

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