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Alex Jones Ordered to Pay Six Million Trillion Dollars to Holocaust Survivors

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A Texas court has ordered conspiracy theorist Alex Jones to pay six million trillion dollars in damages to Holocaust survivors whose feelings were hurt by Jones’ interview with Holocaust denier David Duke. At a press conference in Austin, Jonathan Greenbutt of the  Anti-Defecation League celebrated the verdict: “We believe this unprecedented ruling will send the strongest possible message: If you are going to invite David Duke to debate you on your radio show, you darn well better win the debate!” Video link Holocaust survivors have widely criticized Jones for his pathetically weak showing in the debate with Duke.…

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Ear-Cutters Cut off Van Gogh’s Cut-Off Ear to Protest Climate Change

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Environmental activists blaming Vincent Van Gogh for climate change have mutilated the famous artist’s “Self Portrait Minus Ear” by slashing off part of the canvas with a razor blade. The activists severed and removed the portion of the painting depicting the bandage that covered the part of the artist’s head where the ear used to be, saying that their act symbolizes the kind of forceful measures that will be needed to prevent humanity from dumping another 2,000 billion metric tons of carbon into the atmosphere. “We need to cut off carbon with the same resolute spirit Van Gogh…

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Sandy Hook Parent Robbie Parker Weeps in Despair After Learning He Just Won $120 Million

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Sandy Hook parent Robbie Parker has once again raised eyebrows by reacting unexpectedly to an emotionally-charged event. Informed that a jury had awarded him $120 million, Parker collapsed on the floor, weeping pitifully, before pulling himself together, wiping away the tears, and flashing an insincere smile as he kicked off the Sandy Hook parents’ press conference celebrating their $965 million dollar victory over Alex Jones. Conspiracy theorists believe that Parker and other Sandy Hook parents are crisis actors paid by Alex Jones to pretend to hate Jones while offering the Infowars host invaluable mainstream media publicity. According to…

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Zelensky’s Conscription Now Targeting Nursing Homes

Kevin Barrett

Elders Flee for Their Lives Dissociated Press Ukrainian nursing home operators are reporting a surge in walk-offs due to elders’ fears that Zelensky’s increasingly desperate recruiting efforts will target them next. 75-year-old retiree Cadger Starets, who recently went AWOL from the Kladovyshche Nursing Home in Kiev, explained during an interview at an undisclosed location: “They’re already grabbing 50-year-olds off the streets, beaches, shopping malls, ‘checkpoints, gas stations and other public places.’ Looks like they’re coming for us next.” Ukrainian President Vlodomyr Zelensky denied reports that militarily unfit old people are next in line for the press gang treatment. “We understand…

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Western “Intelligence”: Putin is Sick, Dead, or Worse

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A consortium of Western intelligence agencies has issued an assessment claiming that Russian President Vladimir Putin is sick, dead, or even worse. “Based on the fact that his face looks kind of puffy and he doesn’t smile as much as he didn’t used to, we assess with a high degree of confidence that Putin either has cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, or plague, or most likely some combination of those conditions; or that he is dead and just hasn’t realized it yet; or that he died and has been replaced by the fat guy…

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Biden, Over Chicken Kyiv Lunch, Renames World’s Strategic Waterways

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Shakespeare told us that “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” But President Biden believes names have power. That’s why he renamed his favorite White House luncheon dish “chicken Kyiv,” using the Ukrainian rather than Russian spelling of the Ukrainian capital. Then he upped the ante this afternoon, over chicken Kyiv lunch, by renaming three of the world’s key strategic waterways. “The Black Sea has got to go,” said Biden. “It’s liquid and black. It reminds me too much of a Black Russian, which by the way I have renamed a Black Ukrainian—which as of…

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BREAKING! Monkeypox Virus Escapes, Simian Death Syndrome (SDS) Cases Soar

Kevin Barrett

Biden Blames Putin, Calls for Vaccines and More Aid to Ukraine Dissociated Press The Center for Disease Scares (CDS) has issued a new warning that the dreaded monkeypox—a highly contagious illness that makes monkeys of men and women—is spreading across America. At a hastily-arranged  press conference in the monkey house of the National Zoo at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, President Joe Biden and his Chief Medical Ape Anthony Fauci called for Americans to unite in shared sacrifice to defeat the dread disease. “I have ordered the purchase of more than 500 million doses of experimental monkeypox injections from my…

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McDonalds Leaves Russia—Russians Gain Four Years of Life Expectancy

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The Russian Ministry of Health announced Tuesday that McDonalds’ decision to leave Russia is expected to add more than four years to the average Russian’s life expectancy. Studies undertaken by the University of Moscow School of Health Issues and Troubles (UMSHIT) show that when the drunken buffoon Boris Yeltsin took over Russia after the CIA coup of 1991, Russian men lost almost a decade of life expectancy. Originally it was thought that the looting of Russia by CIA-affiliated Zionist billionaire oligarchs had destroyed life-support systems for food, utilities, and other infrastructure, and that Russians were so depressed about…

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CDC Issues COVID Vaccine Recommendation for Fetuses

Kevin Barrett

Holds Off on Embryos and Gametes for Now Dissociated Press The US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention updated its recommendations for the Pfizer/BioNTech Covid-19 vaccines on Wednesday to include not only children ages 0 to 5, but also fetuses from age negative seven months until birth. CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) voted 13-1 earlier Wednesday in favor of recommending Covid-19 immunizations for children and fetuses in both age groups, while postponing a decision on embryos aged negative nine months to negative seven months, and gametes of all ages and chromosomal genders. “It is critical that we protect our…

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“Freedom From Choice” Movement Demands Mandatory Vaccinations Against Free Will

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The debate over mandatory vaccinations just got even stickier, as a new group is demanding the roll-out of mandatory universal vaccinations against free will. “Obligatory COVID vaccinations may alleviate symptoms, but they don’t address the root cause of the disease,” explained Dr. Dee Turmanist, founder of the Freedom From Freedom Foundation (FFFF). “The real problem isn’t vaccine hesitancy, it’s the freedom of choice that makes vaccine hesitancy—and other choices I don’t agree with—possible.” Dr. Termanist explained that according to the materialist philosophy underlying the modern scientific paradigm, free will should not exist: “And if something shouldn’t exist, it’s…

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