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All of Her Co-Workers “Died Suddenly”

Kevin Barrett

But it took her four days to notice Dissociated Press When Laticia Cuggles clocked into work late Monday morning, the Wells Fargo office in Widowsburg, Wyoming seemed quieter than usual. Cuggles assumed that co-workers slumped in their swivel chairs or apparently napping, heads on their desks, were just recovering after a long, eventful weekend. It wasn’t until Thursday that Cuggles noticed the smell, took a closer look at the corpse in the next cubicle, emitted a bloodcurdling scream, and exited her workplace in great haste. Officials subsequently determined that all 37 of her co-workers had more-or-less simultaneously expired of unknown…

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I Had a Dream About This Election

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press As I woke up this morning I vaguely remembered having some kind of dream about the US presidential election. As I lay there half-awake half-asleep trying to reconstitute it, this is what came to me: The doorbell rang. The good news is that it wasn’t the Jehovah’s Witnesses. The bad news is that a pollster of indeterminate age, gender, and political affiliation, wearing a bright yellow Gallup for Precedent T-shirt with an Ipod tablet clipped to a clipboard, stood there looking bright and cheery. “Would it be all right if I asked you a question about the election?”…

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Radical Muslims Target Taylor Swift Concerts “Out of Pity for the West”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press A radical Muslim terror group has claimed responsibility for a series of planned attacks on Taylor Swift concerts. The notorious jihadist organization Islamic-American Muslims For All Kinds of Explosions (IAMFAKE) issued a statement yesterday explaining the motivation behind its odd campaign against a pop culture icon. “We used to spend our days and nights hatching devious and dastardly plots to just sit back and enjoy the collapse of the United States,” explained IAMFAKE leader Waleed “Wally” Waldharam. “As my predecessor and mentor in allegedly Islamic terror, HeyMan al-Zawuggery, once put it: “We vow that we will not cease…

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Democrats Rebrand as “Party of Freedom (From)”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press At the Democratic Convention in Chicago this morning, the party’s Freedom Caucus unveiled a bold new initiative rebranding the Democrats—formerly viewed as the commissars of the hectoring nanny state and the murderous torturing genocidal spooks of the authoritarian national security state—as “The Party of Freedom.” Freedom Caucus chairperson Libertas Libertas, an individual who freed themselves from their real name in 2010, and from the tyranny of gender (through surgery and chemicals) in 2019, says they underwent an even riskier philosophy-change operation at the Mayo Clinic last month—and convinced the Democrats to do likewise. Libertas explained that the Democrats’…

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Bullet That Nicked Trump’s Ear Found on Stretcher at Parkland Memorial Hospital

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The mysterious July 13 Trump shooting in Butler, Pennsylvania grew slightly less mysterious this morning, as the FBI announced that it has finally located the bullet that struck former President Donald Trump’s right ear. As it turns out, there was a very good reason why the bullet could not be found at the Butler Farm Show location where the shooting took place: It was accidentally removed by medical personnel, and somehow found its way to a stretcher at Parkland Memorial Hospital in Dallas, Texas, where it was discovered by a person or persons unknown. The bullet’s remarkably pristine…

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Israel Sweeps Anal Rape Competition at Paris Olympics

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Peretz Putzenschlubb defended his title in the men’s ten meter forcible sodomy competition, giving his team an unprecedented sweep in the anal rape medals at the Paris Olympics. Putzenschlubb, a mainstay of the Sde Teiman Prison Rape Squad, defeated his teammates Schlemiel Shtuppenberg and Schlemozzel Shtuppenshtein by pursuing and raping a designated victim after a 6.1 meter chase, completing the forcible violation in a world-record-setting 15.7 seconds. Putzenschlubb won points on technique as well as distance and time. “He’s so smooth he doesn’t even need lube,” noted Itamar Ben-Gvir, the Israeli minister and forcible sodomy specialist who served…

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ADL: “Right to Rape” Is a Jewish Value—Critics Are Antisemitic

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The ADL (Anti-Defecation League) today issued a statement in response to the recent debate over Israel’s “Right to Rape” movement. Jonathan Greenbutt, ADL CEO and National Director, issued the following statement: ADL is concerned by the recent surge of antisemitism displayed by those who would deny Israel the right to practice its own cultural and religious heritage by subjecting non-Jewish prisoners to what antisemites call “anal rape.” Calling the violent penetration of non-Jewish rectums by Jews “rape” is an antisemitic affront to Jewish sensibilities and traditional practices, as well as an attempt to deny to the Jewish people their…

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Netanyahu Gets Three-Month Standing Ovation in Congress

Kevin Barrett

Shatters record previously held by Jesus   WASHINGTON D.C. (October 24, 2024) – Precognitive Press One week before Hallowe’en, the hundreds of Congressional representatives who had been giving Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu a standing ovation since July 24 finally stopped applauding and sat down. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Netanyahu’s ovation easily shattered the previous record held by Jesus Christ, who earned a three hour sixteen minute one second ovation from the Clap for Jesus Team in Kampala, Uganda on 30 July 2023. House Speaker Mike Johnson’s congressional staffing team handled the event’s logistics, including the…

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Republicans Wear Brain Bandages to Express Solidarity with Trump

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Following Donald Trump’s “magic ear shot” publicity stunt, millions of his supporters are wearing “brain bandages” symbolizing their gullible acceptance of the wildly improbable story. By gluing feminine hygiene products to their ears, the Trumpsters indicate that they have undergone brain-removal surgery and believe everything Trump and the media tell them. The ear bandages symbolically suggest that the wearers were subjected to “brain vacuuming,” a new form of surgery involving an incision being cut through the earhole, a vacuum hose being inserted, and the brain being vacuumed out. Panic-stricken menstruating women across America are complaining about a shortage…

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BREAKING! Trump Shot on Stage AGAIN—Pulls “Magic Bullet” Out of Ass

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Donald Trump has been shot once again for the second time in less than a week. The latest shooting took place at today’s Trump rally in Colon City, Michigan. Trump was struck in the rear by a bullet fired by a gunman who clambered onto the stage, unhurriedly assembled his rifle, and conspicuously assumed a firing position, while the frantic crowd screamed “Gunman! There’s a gunman on the stage!” in an ineffectual effort to alert the Secret Service. Fortunately Trump was struck just as he was bending over the opposite side of the stage from the gunman in…

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