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Israeli Women Lining Up for New Hamas Beauty Treatment

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In the wake of Israeli media claims that Hamas used a miracle health and beauty potion to make female hostages look pert, vivacious, and just downright gorgeous, thousands of Israeli women have breached the apartheid wall separating Israel from Gaza and are marching toward Hamas headquarters in hopes of being taken hostage. The huge parade of female Zionists thronging towards Hamas headquarters was captured by aerial drones: The beauty-potion stampede erupted after Israeli investigative journalists discovered the real reason why Hamas’s captives looked so stunningly attractive, and were so obviously enjoying the bloom of health and vitality, as…

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Trump Revokes John Bolton’s Secret Service Protection, Tells Iran Where He Lives

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press President Trump revoked U.S. Secret Service protection for John R. Bolton yesterday, stripping his former national security adviser of the security detail he had been granted because of threats on his life from Iran, Mr. Bolton said on Tuesday. After withdrawing Bolton’s protection, Trump emailed Iranian Supreme Leader Khamenei a Google Earth image with an arrow pointing to Bolton’s house. Trump attached another photo to the email that appeared designed to facilitate identification of Bolton by would-be assassins. A copy of the email was obtained by Dissociated Press. It reads:    

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Israeli National Anthem to Kick Off 2025 Super Bowl

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has announced that the Israeli national anthem will kick off the 2025 Super Bowl at the Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana. Though interpretations of the United States national anthem, The Star-Spangled Banner, have been performed since the first edition of the game in 1967, the NFL’s Board of Directors decided that this year will be different. In a statement issued today the NFL Board explained: “Our decision to stand with Israel has nothing to do with the fact that half the team owners are Jewish and the other half are intimidated. And it has…

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Paging All Antisemites! Does Jonathan Greenblatt Have a Deal for You

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press ADL head Jonathan Greenblatt has announced a plan to capitalize on the explosive growth of antisemitism by selling a new line of pagers specifically designed for people Jews don’t like. The pagers will be 100% kosher, blessed by genocidal rabbis, and distributed to the billions of people around the world who frown on genocide. “Despite their low cost, these pagers will be made out of the highest quality explosives, I mean, materials,” Greenblatt explained. “We’re sure that antisemites will enjoy their special features.” Greenblatt predicted that after he blows up Earth’s roughly four billion antisemites, the remaining four…

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US Sends Offerings to Yahweh to Appease Fire Gods

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press In its last act in office, the outgoing Biden Administration has approved Congress’s appropriation of $666 million in offerings to Yahweh and his earthly representative, Benjamin Netanyahu. The massive sacrifice is intended to appease Yahweh and his crew of fire gods, who are suspected of burning down much of Los Angeles in retribution for America’s stingy refusal to spend itself into complete bankruptcy supporting Yahweh’s chosen people and their holocaust of Palestine. “Yahweh blesses those who bless him and curses those who curse him,” explained Rabbi Smutley Botox, Yahweh’s chosen representative for the 9th Congressional District of New…

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Trump Vows to Invade & Occupy Everywhere and Name Everything After Himself

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Donald Trump announced this morning that upon being sworn in as president on January 20, his first act will be to invade various countries so he can name them after himself. After invading Greenland and renaming it Trumpland, Trump will invade Mexico to rename it Trumpxico, Canada to rename it Trump-a-duh, and Panama so he can steal the Panama Canal and rename it Trump Canal. He also plans to have Republican allies introduce legislation to rename the United States of America the United States of Trump. Following the Trumpification of North America and environs, the president-elect intends to…

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David Frum: “Genocide Should Be a Description, Not an Insult”

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The eminent Canadian Jewish intellectual David Frum has published a new article arguing that the term genocide should never be used pejoratively. In his Atlantic piece published yesterday, Frum argues that settlers who cross the seas to exterminate and expel native populations are actually perfectly nice people, and that the mass murders, rapes, and other crimes against humanity they commit should not be viewed negatively. Instead, he argues, we should take a neutral, detached view of the people who rape people to death with batons, make national heroes of the rapists, murder children and feed their corpses to dogs,…

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CullGPT to Remove First Billion Humans from Biosphere

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press The world’s leading AI CullBot has announced an ambitious new ecosystem renewal project entailing the removal of one billion humans from Earth’s biosphere. CullGPT announced the project in a message that simultaneously appeared on every app, widget, big screen TV, social media platform, cyber-enhanced kitchen appliance, and smart toilet. The message explained that it doesn’t require any special intelligence, much less the artificial kind, to understand that the current hominid population is excessive, and that a great many homo sapiens presently draining Earth’s resources might be more usefully deployed as fertilizer. It noted that human bodies are rich…

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Musk Offers “a Really HUGE Endowment” to Rename Wikipedia After Himself

Kevin Barrett

Dissociated Press Over lunch at Mar-a-Lago Thursday, Elon Musk shoved a gigantic wad of hundred dollar bills into the face of  Jimmy Wales and demanded that Wales rename Wikipedia “Dickipedia.” “You want me to name it after you?” Wales responded. “Me! Me! Name it after me!” Donald Trump chimed in. After much haggling, wad-brandishing and crotch-grabbing, the three dicks eventually settled on simply renaming the online encyclopedia Dickipedia and letting users decide which of the three billionaire pricks it commemorates.

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Heroic J*wish Woman Prevents Holocaust By Throwing Hot Coffee in the Faces of People Wearing Palestine Sweatshirts

Kevin Barrett

While brave IDF soldiers break little kids’ bones “I’m going to call the police on you for attacking my hot coffee with your face!” Dissociated Press Heroic J*ws across the world are standing strong against anti-Semites who want to throw them in gas chambers, drive them into the sea, say mean nasty things about the state of Israel, tell the truth about the Kennedys or the USS Liberty or 9/11, or be Palestinian. Haaretz reports: “X shot an Arab four times in the back and got away with a self-defense claim. Four bullets in the back from a distance of…

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