Guest Editorial by Dick Flaccidopholous, Director, Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories (FUCT)
What is your purpose in life? Why do you log in to the office every day? What talking points do you use to convince powerful people with money to give you some?
Here at the Foundation for Undermining Conspiracy Theories we have a simple but elegant mission statement: “There are too many gol-danged conspiracy theories! We are FUCT! We’ve got to stop them!” Unfortunately, until now, it was easier said than done.
But today, thanks to a new vaccine, all that has changed. The new ConspiraVax Consortium headed by Bill Gates, Cass Sunstein, and Mr. Burns has successfully developed a cyber-vaccine that can stop the conspiracy pandemic, allowing life get back to normal, permitting the economy to resume functioning, and helping the people who blew up the World Trade Center relax and get on with their lives.
ConspiraVax 1.0 will be rolled out later this week. All Americans will be required to bring their phones, laptops, desktops, tablets, and other portable devices to the nearest DHS Vaccination Center to receive the anti-conspiracy-theory inoculation. A long, sharp, red-hot platinum needle, plunged deep into the control chip, will inject millions of self-replicating cyber-antibodies made from aborted fetuses. The cyber-antibodies will swarm through the device’s storage, memory, and operating system, devouring conspiracy theories before they can infect the device’s owner.
Some have questioned whether cleansing conspiracy theories from communications devices will solve the problem. They say that in the past, people read books and talked to each other face-to-face to learn how the CIA killed JFK, how the neocons did 9/11-anthrax, and how roughly the same people, give or take a few, presumably orchestrated the made-in-North-Carolina COVID-19 pandemic. If our electronic conspiracy infection is cured, they say, people will simply return to their old conspiracy-spreading habits of reading physical books and having real-life conversations.
But as ConspiraVax’s CEO Mr. Burns likes to say, cackling with glee: It’s too late! Bwa-ha-ha!! The manufacture and distribution of physical books is now totally dependent on electronic communication. Eliminate dissenting ideas from the electronic world, and they will also be eliminated from the pages of physical books.
What’s more, thanks to COVID-19, people are no longer allowed to meet and talk face to face. Though a few diehard tinfoil hatters may mumble at each other through their masks over the back fence, staying at least six feet away from each other and missing most of what the other is saying, the contagion quotient (rate of transmission of conspiracy ideas) will be so low that the disease will quickly die out.
Inoculating the whole electronic world against the conspiracy pandemic may seem like overkill. But how else can we stop the conspiracy theory super-spreaders from infecting millions? Our only hope of getting back to a normal, pre-conspiracy-theory world is mandatory Conspira-Vax inoculations. We, and our devices, are going to have to shut up and take our medicine.