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TSA Tips for Travelers: Or, How to Stop Worrying and Love Letting Us Touch Your Junk

[Note: TruthJihad blog always attempts to prevent a fair and balanced view of issues related to the War on Terror. In order to do so, we occasionally invite contributions from those whose views we would ordinarily oppose. Today, due to widespread public rage against TSA groping and naked body scanners, we felt obliged to invite the TSA to respond.]

TSA Tips for Travelers: Or, How to Stop Worrying and Love Letting Us Touch Your Junk

Guest blog post by Vora Rephilia, Assistant Pubic Relations Officer, Transportation Security Administration

Greetings, travelers! We at the Transportation Security Administration are dedicated to making your journey as pleasant as possible. That is why we offer you the choice of either allowing us to look at you naked, or allowing us to fondle your genitals.

We know that many of you have been raised to feel ashamed of exposing your naked bodies in public. For people who suffer from this kind of inhibition, we offer the option of merely having your genitals groped.

Some people are worried about how their kids will react to our screening procedures.

It is your responsibility to inform your children that cavity searches are an integral part of informed citizenship in a free society. If they resist, our agents are equipped with a broad spectrum of animal tranquilizers to help them enjoy this important educational experience.

We also understand that there are some health concerns about the massive radiation exposures created by our naked body scanners. Let us just put that whole issue to rest by saying that thus far, there has not been even ONE single documented case of anyone visibly mutating while passing through one of our scanners. If there had been, trust us, we would have noticed.

We know that despite all of our efforts to lubricate our invasive security procedures, we have been getting some bad press lately. Here are some recent headlines:

Rape Survivor Devastated by TSA Enhanced Pat Down

TSA official pats down distraught 3-year-old girl

Coffee, Tea, or Should We Feel Your Pregnant Wife’s Breasts Before Throwing You in a Cell at the Airport and Then Lying About Why We Put You There?

All of these passengers could have had much more pleasant experiences with TSA if they had been better-informed about proper procedures at TSA checkpoints.

Below is a passenger-training video produced by the Department of Homeland Security. In the video, two glamorous Hollywood actors demonstrate the patriotic way to behave at a TSA checkpoint. 


38 Thoughts to “TSA Tips for Travelers: Or, How to Stop Worrying and Love Letting Us Touch Your Junk”

  1. Anonymous

    It only hurts when I laugh.

  2. Anonymous

    TSA: Travelers Who Refuse Scanning Can’t Leave, Will Be Fined
    By Jason Ditz,, November 19, 2010

    Faced with the prospect of large numbers of people refusing the invasive “screening” measures they’ve implemented this holiday season, the TSA is hoping to fight back with threats of fine and arrest.

    “Once a person submits to the screening process, they can not just decide to leave” warned Sari Koshetz, a TSA spokesperson. TSA officials say that anyone refusing both the “full body scanners” and the “enhanced pat down” procedures will be taken into custody.

  3. excuse me taken to custody to make sure israelis make money with their death scanner, they are between 20 to 80 times fold the average of a CT scan you are doing in a hospital… with a CT scan you have 1 chance on 80 to get cancer due to the ionisation… how much time with these illegal scanners… between then 20 to 80 time more chance to get cancer due to high ionisation… and if you refuse you are going ot custody… hang this kosher and his scanners… this is crime in day light

  4. Anonymous

    Sick, pedophile TSA agents, yet another violation of our rights. Add it to the list of gov’t violations of our right:
    They violate the 1st Amendment by placing protesters in cages, banning books like “America Deceived II” and censoring the internet.
    They violate the 2nd Amendment by confiscating guns.
    They violate the 4th and 5th Amendment by molesting airline passengers.
    They violate the entire Constitution by starting undeclared wars for foreign countries.
    Impeach Obama and sweep out the Congress, except Ron Paul.
    (Last link of Banned Book):

  5. Brucie Poo

    I personally have no problem with some big burly studmuffins squeezing my buttocks and handling my equipment.

  6. Anonymous

    Get mad damn mad and get your guns.

  7. Hey there – – we can help, too !

    We're FIRST with:

    "Touch my junk
    and I'll have you punk'd!"

    CHECK US OUT . . .

  8. Anonymous

    There are no "rights" for the 14th Amendment "Citizen", there is no "freedom" either.

  9. Anonymous

    In the end, and down the line,
    The only matter of real importance is going to be how many Americans are going to co-sign the Declaration of Independence.

    "And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor."

    The Founding Fathers Were Americans.

  10. Anonymous

    Don't fly! First a complete boycott for a month and TSA will disappear.

  11. Anonymous

    As I have said numerous times this is a violation of our Constitutional rights. This drectly violates the 4 amendment. Walking into an Airport is NOT probable cause, and the TSA does not have an army of Judges standing by to issue a warrant to search each traveler. So the bottom line is that the TSA is breaking the law and must stop. If the Government doesn't like the Constitution than they have a right to try and gather enough votes for a Constitutional convention to change it. In the mean time we are a country that follows the rule of law. The law in turn must follow the guidelines set forth in our Constitution. So TSA you must stop this ILLEGAL activity NOW.

  12. Anonymous

    I would like to see what would happen if airline passengers started puking all over the place at every scanning station in every airport. So who will be cleaning up that mess?
    TSA? As far as I know a person cannot be arrested for vomiting and nobody can prove that
    it was intentional either. Something would change quick if TSA was having to wade around in people's vomit.

  13. Anonymous

    Coming to Train, Bus and Subway stations , court houses, pharmacies, supermarkets, Mom and Pop stores, used car lots, Wal-Mart's, Pet Stores and movie theaters near you. soon!
    We have the technology.

  14. Anonymous

    Muslims caused this shit to happen in the first place,so I recommend they fly on pedophile"Mohamed junk yard airlines" and let us normal people fly without this crap and without fear. Typical of Kevin Barret to post this crap, HE the secret muslim nut job yet his Morrocan Muslim wife divorced him because he's NUTS!

  15. Anonymous

    It's all good for us exhibitionist perverts.

  16. Anonymous

    Hang on folks, we are 2 incidents away from roadblocks.

  17. Anonymous

    When I was in high school decades ago, I had a teacher who was outraged that the goddam people in Germany didn't rise up and overthrow the Nazis. If the dear professor is still alive and coherent, I'd be curious to ask her if she now knows the reason why.

  18. Anonymous

    This is the whole Zionist agenda to spread terror, Islamophobia and paranoia amongst the brainwashed FOX/CNN fed sheeple as they sell their cancerous X-Ray machines and "security profiling". The US really needs to examine the damage being done to civil rights and individual liberties by blindly being hi-jacked by the Zionist lobby. The only security that will work is to have a peaceful foreign policy and engage the world and not grope and fondle its way to a paranoid repressive POLICE STATE AMERIKKKA.

  19. Anonymous

    Remember to buy a pair of adult diapers and put on and tell the TSA worker you have diarrhea. Keep the second one in your carrion luggage.

  20. Anonymous

    It's all fun & games 'till someone
    looses a tit or testicle…

  21. Anonymous

    They (i.e. the people of the United States)did nothing to stop the slaughter of the unborn, of the horrible murders committed by partial birth abortions and the sucking out of the brains of little infants. The people did nothing when pornography was made legal (hustler, penthouse, playboy, etc). The people did nothing to stop the insane perversion and sin against nature of homosexuality being taught in our schools and given the protection of the law. God was thrown out of our schools, out of our laws, out of our government, out of our lives as we made room for pornography, abortion, fraud, contraception, drugs, immodesty in dress, and the satisfying of our inordinate desires. We allowed the evil of feminism to destroy the masculinity in our young men and the flower of feminine beauty in our women, the destroyer of marriages and we welcomed diverstiy in our country as it pushed out our Christian culture. We gave evil and vice equal rights with good and virtue when now evil denies the right of good. These same sinister and evil entities, that have become our masters by our own choice, are robbing our country of its wealth and money's,slowly entrenching a police state in their attempt to establish a One World Satanic Judeo/Freemasonic Dictatorship. The President along with this new enormous administration of Czars and dozens of police agency's, Congress with it's bribed or threatened yes men, the Banksters, the Judicial Branch and the courts with Judges and lawyers that no longer know or admit both the Divine or Natural Laws, all bow to Israel and the masters of the world (for now) Judeo/Freemasonry. Yes, we are getting what we deserve and what is going to come is unimaginable for most to even contemplate, but it's coming – divine retribution for a godless and apostate nation; good men did nothing and now evil reigns. Good will reign again but first justice must be served and it will be bitter.

  22. Anonymous

    Eat beans before you fly as well as whiskey and boiled eggs. When your Homo Groper bends over to test your testicles or titties or Kotex let him have it full in the face with a FART BOMB. Is there a law against that yet????

  23. Neo to TSA agent, "I SAID, DON'T touch my junk!'

  24. Anonymous

    TSA screeners leave cancer survivor covered in urine
    A retired teacher from Lansing, Michigan, says he had to walk through an airport and board a plane covered in urine after TSA agents tore open his urostomy bag during a pat-down.

  25. Anonymous

    The government controlled the aircraft that destroyed our trade center. It's a fact. Why would they think we don't know it by now? Don't fly anywhere. Terrawaves destroy your D.N.A. on a cellular level. They're giving you cancer!

  26. Anonymous

    it's so simple, sniffer dogs, armed pilots, profiling of course, we all know the look of these guys and yes, they have always been guys, Everyone misses a big factor in all this, How many people really want to die by getting your scrotum blown off and killing lots of folks, this is a bid like being afraid of a warewolf attack kind of a fable which is enforced when they send in a false flag attack by an idiot with no chance of success like the shoe,water and crotch bombers. It's a set up, these three losers were maybe drugged were sent out with bombs that could not work, now for the rest of history we have to take shoes off.

  27. Anonymous

    To annon: November 21, 2010 10:55 AM

    You can have morals without god. God is a human created concept written in a book crafted by humans out of human deception. You're just as guilty as anyone for following sin and lie wrapped up in a false package.

    Yes, it says homosexuality is a sin, but so is a woman speaking about god, so is a man who works on the sabath, so is a person who wears white after the sabath, or even those who touch/speak/go near menstruating women!

    How can you follow only part of you beloved book and call yourself a Christian/catholic/whatever? Have you ever actually read the full bible- and if so I doubt you let it really sink in how perverse, depraved and immoral it really is. Don't tell me about 'context', as the writing is so old it no longer applies to modern society… Unless you like living in the same fashion as those in isreal, iran and iraq.

    The number one reason for war: Religion.
    The number one reason for murder: Religion.
    The number one reason for rape: Religion.

  28. Kevin just to inform you and your readers that we have received strong informations about new 'fake muslims riots' staged by israelis in France… This is partly due to the slow death of the head of the algerian secret military services Tewfik, appointed 20 years ago by the french government in algeria… France lost it in Algeria and fear international prosecution for genocide, as they were behind the GIAs….

    We have received strong intelligence informations about new fronts opened by israel en europe… just a good recall on how israel wants to trigger civil wars in the west to push the westerners against Muslims, we've seen this summer in NYC, but everyqhere in EU as well where extrem right wing political parties, backed by intel services andd NATO clandestinee networks ( similar to Gladio, which is also present in all the muslim world) are preparing to stage major troubles… this will be a very good time to launch just after their new 9/11…


    A new book in Germany is casting light on Israel’s covert program to provoke violence among Muslims in Western Europe and engage in “false flag” operations in order for Western governments to blame Muslim radicals. The book, Der Krieg im Dunkeln (War in the Dark) by Udo Ulfkotte, formerly a correspondent for the Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung, provides details of the operations of two Israeli intelligence units — the Metsada, which specializes in sabotage, including “false flag” terrorist attacks and assassinations; and LAP (Lohamah Psichlogit), which engages in psychological warfare.

    Ulfkotte claims that British and German intelligence agents encountered Metsada and LAP agents in France stirring up violence during the November 2005 riots, blamed on Islamic extremists. WMR has also reported that Interior Minister and presidential candidate Nicolas Sarkozy, who is supported by pro-right wing Israeli (Likud/Netanyahu/Olmert) factions in France, coordinated and continues to coordinate the paying of agents provocateurs to engage in violence in the predominantly Muslim Banlieus of Paris and other cities.

    The November 2005 riots spread from Paris to Rouen, Lille, Nice, Dijon, Strasbourg, Marseilles (where Mossad’s Brach C, also responsible for Paris and London, maintains a large station), Bordeaux, Rennes, Pau, Orleans, Toulouse, Lyon, Roubaix, Avignon, Saint-Dizier, Drancy, Evreux, Nantes, Dunkirk, Montpellier, Valenciennes, Cannes, and Tourcoing.

    Ulfkotte also quotes a British MI-6 source who reported that Israel’s goal is to portray Muslims as unpredictable threats who cannot be integrated into Western society.” This is not the final curtain.Mr. Ulfkotte has tried to weasel out these charges.

  29. Anonymous

    satire is superfluous

    Body Scanner Operator Caught Masturbating at Colorado Airport

    August 4th, 2010
    by Hugh Muzzbe

    Not only do the new airport body scanners take risque pictures but according to the U.S. Marshals Service, the images in their thousands are being saved on hard disks.

    DENVER – USA – A full body scanner operator was caught masturbating during a scanning session by airport staff late Tuesday.

    Airport officials at Denver International airport were on high alert yesterday when a full body scanner operator was caught masturbating in his booth as a team of High School netball players went through the scanner.

  30. Anonymous

    We need to boycott all air travel until the powers that be are more reasonable in their security demands.

  31. Penultimate anonymous: Satire may be superfluous, but the "TSA Wanker" article is obviously satirical, though admittedly it isn't quite as funny as mine.

  32. Anonymous

    Kevin Barrett advocates attacking and killing TSA officers at TSA checkpoints. He says this is "the patriotic way to behave." Kevin Barrett has a long history of advocating violence, especially movies by the Wachowski brothers. He even admitted that he liked the movie V for Vendetta. All peaceful 9/11 truth activists should boycott Kevin Barrett. -SnuggerBugger

  33. Note: TruthJihad blog always attempts to prevent a fair and balanced view of issues related to the War on Terror.

    "prevent" … is that a typo, or a pun?

  34. I'm peaceful and I love V! Anyone who spends time terrorizing children for profit get what they deserve.

  35. Any blog that promotes TSA Pubic Relations agents is obviously trying to prevent a fair and balanced view.

  36. Anonymous

    Best TSA TIps:
    1) Stay Home.
    2) Seek out a location in your hometown and stay at a hotel to feel like you’ve gone somewhere.
    3) DRIVE to your domestic vacation spot.
    4) Drive to MEXICO & take an international flight from there. Then on your return drive back across the border.
    5) Move out of the U.S. and travel with relative ease.

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