The World Health Organization issued a directive this morning urging an unfortunate coronavirus caught between the sweaty palms of the US and Brazilian presidents to wash its hands and quarantine itself.
“We don’t know what this coronavirus may have picked up from its intimate contact with two of the world’s most virulently toxic organisms,” explained WHO spokeperson Dr. Pew Triddley Stan-Jiang. “But whatever it is, it can’t be good. The coronavirus needs to vigorously scrub its hands, or more accurately its spike proteins, with pure bleach for a minimum of twenty minutes. Then it must locomote itself to the nearest store, buy several shopping cart loads of toilet paper, and retire to its private domicile to await further instructions.”
In a separate announcement, the WHO ordered coronaviruses in India to keep a safe distance from President Modi, who is believed to be even more toxic than Trump and Bolsinaro. It also urged coronaviruses in Israel and Saudi Arabia to flee for their lives and self-quarantine deep in the uninhabited desert to avoid any chance of contact with those nations’ supremely noxious leaders.