In a riveting performance before the US Senate gallery this morning, Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer Alan Dershowitz mounted a spirited defense of his new client, Donald J. Trump. Flourishing a badly stained and noticeably noisome pair of men’s Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear at the astonished senators, Dershowitz boldly intoned: “THESE are the only briefs I need to convince you to to acquit the President.”
“This filthy pair of underwear is only XXL. The flabby and humongous posterior of the President of the United States is clearly at least an XXXXXXXXXXL.
“So like we told the OJ Jury: IF THE UNDERWEAR DOESN’T FIT, YOU MUST ACQUIT!”
Dershowitz further explained: “President Trump indubitably kept his underwear on while shaking down Zelensky. Not a single witness, not a single shred of photographic or video evidence, supports allegations that he took his underwear off. Under the precedent I set while being serviced by child prostitutes at my friend, client, and Israeli military intelligence colleague Jeffrey Epstein‘s mansion, anyone who claims they kept their underwear on while committing what would otherwise be considered a heinous crime is automatically deemed innocent and must be acquitted.”
Dershowitz told the mesmerized senators that by voting to acquit Trump they, too, would be “keeping their underwear on.” He vowed that any senator who voted to convict Trump and remove him from office “will not succeed in removing Trump, but will in reality merely be removing his own underwear, nudge nudge wink wink know-what-I-mean?” Fixing his trademarked lizard-like gaze on Lindsey Graham, the notorious defender of the most obviously guilty criminals in history continued: “And you will not only be removing your own underwear, you will also be removing the underwear of the little boys we know you hang out with. Catch my drift? Or do I have to spell it out for you?”
Dershowitz added that senators who vote to acquit Trump will receive a complimentary 5,000 frequent flier miles on the Lolita Express Airline, which Epstein signed over to his defense lawyer in lieu of legal fees just minutes before the disgraced financier’s alleged suicide.