You are here

Jews seek $500 trillion in global persecution reparations

Dissociated Press

Following Israel’s demand for $250 billion  in reparations from Arab nations, the World Jewish Congress (otherwise known as WorldJewCon, or WJC) has upped the ante, demanding an additional $500 trillion in persecution reparations from the entire world.

WJC spokesman Rob Sheisterstein announced the demand from his royal penthouse suite atop the Hotel President Wilson in Geneva, Switzerland. (The Hotel Wilson, alongside the other 82 five-star hotels in Switzerland, was recently donated in perpetuity as partial reparations for the Swiss role in the Holocaust.)

“Holocaust reparations? Mazel Tov. Arab reparations? Double-plus Mazel Tov,” Sheisterstein enthused. “But why stop there? Jews have been persecuted for centuries and millennia, not just by Germans and Arabs, but by everyone. Everywhere Jews have gone, we’ve had, shall we say, major conflicts with our neighbors. And guess what? It’s always the neighbors’ fault! They just keep right on persecuting us for no reason. So they owe us. Do they ever owe us! I mean, big time!”

Sheisterstein explained that Jews have not only been persecuted everywhere they have gone, but have actually been expelled from at least 109 countries: “That’s most of the planet. Heck, if we’d moved to Antarctica, the penguins would have persecuted us. Why? Because that’s what goyish Penguins do! They are all just naturally anti-Semitic.”

Sheisterstein unveiled a chart detailing the WJC plan to extract $500 trillion in global persecution reparations “from every goy on earth. Now that may sound like a lot of money, but if you do the math, it’s only around $7,000 per goy. Considering the incomparable suffering they’ve inflicted on us, it’s bubkes—chicken feed! We’re letting them off easy! Seven grand per goy, that’s nothing. That’s less than each American has coughed up for the 9/11 wars for Israel!”

Asked how the goys were going to come up with $500 trillion when the world’s entire net wealth is only $280 trillion, Sheisterstein offered a simple solution. “Easy! They just borrow the other $220 trillion from us at compound interest.”

When a journalist wondered what on earth WJC needs $500 trillion for, Sheisterstein offered a succinct answer: “to fight anti-Semitism.”





One Thought to “Jews seek $500 trillion in global persecution reparations”

  1. Chaim Yankel

    Sure — 109 countries are just anti-semitic. That’s plausible, isn’t it? After all, whatever could the people-loving, fair-minded, humanitarian Jews do that would cause such uproar again and again and again?

Leave a Comment