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Anti-Semitism Explosion Threatens Known Universe

Dissociated Press

The newly released Annual Antisemitism Worldwide Report for 2023 has revealed a disturbing increase in anti-Semitism across major Western nations compared to the previous year.

The Report is based on a survey in which respondents were asked to endorse four major anti-Semitic tropes. The first trope, “Jews will steal anything that isn’t nailed down,” was endorsed by a horrifying 68% of people surveyed—an increase of seven percent over 2022. “But it’s even worse than that,” explained Jonathan Greenbutt of the Anti-Defecation League. “Using follow-up questions, we discovered that most people who disagreed with the statement did so because they believe that Jews steal nailed-down things too.”

Experts attribute surging anti-Semitic tropes about Jewish kleptomania to heightened awareness of the history of Palestine in the wake of October 7. They cite the Urban Dictionary’s inclusion of the expression “to get Israeled”: ”

When a person tells you that your property is theirs (when it obviously isn’t), and demands you just give this property to them, and if you refuse, they take it by force and the law will somehow be on their (israeling) side.


“When someone asks you for sharing something of yours and then fights you to get you out of it. And tell everyone you took it from them.”

“The act of taking something that is not yours and then kicking out the rightful owner.”

“The act of taking something from someone else for some reason thousands of years ago.”

The second anti-Semitic trope, “Jews lie like they breathe,” drew a shocking 81% level of agreement—presumably a reaction to false Israeli allegations about imaginary Hamas rapes and baby-roasts. “But once again,” Greenbutt moaned, “it’s a whole lot worse than we thought. Three-quarters of the 19% who don’t think Jews lie like they breathe actually believe that Jews lie more than they breathe, not less.”

Another shopworn anti-Semitic canard, “the Jew cries out as he strikes you,” was supported by a full 87% of respondents. But once again, Greenbutt asserts, that figure does not do justice to the real magnitude of the problem. It seems that almost all of the other 13% believe that the correct formulation of the trope is: “The Jew cries out as he bombs you.” Greenbutt said he couldn’t imagine where the anti-Semites got that crazy idea, but that it might have something to do with Gaza.

The fourth and final anti-Semitic trope, “Jews are bloodthirsty and vindictive,” won the endorsement of a terrifyingly horrifying 90% of those surveyed. “And the other ten percent say ‘it isn’t just bloodthirsty and vindictive, it’s genocidal,” Greenbutt moaned. “Oy vey! It must be because they think we killed Jesus. We’re going to have to run ads on social media explaining that it was really Hamas.”

Experts believe that the excruciatingly horrific rise of anti-Semitism threatens to not only upend our social hierarchy, but could actually lead to the annihilation of the known universe. “The number of poll respondents endorsing anti-Semitic tropes is approaching 100%,” Greenbutt explained. “So what happens when it passes 100%, and we get, for instance, 110% of people saying that Jews lie, cheat, steal, bomb, and commit genocide? 110% of people is incompatible with physical reality. It’s a violation of the mathematical laws governing the very structure of the universe. So at the exact millisecond the number of anti-Semites exceeds 100%, the whole frigging universe will collapse into its own footprint at free-fall acceleration! We can’t let that happen. That’s why fighting anti-Semitism is an existential issue. Not just for Jews, but for everyone. So send us money! In bundles! Large bundles! Of large bills! Now!”

From his office in Tel Aviv, Israeli Prime Minister Benyamin Netanyahu argued that if America supplied him with enough bombs, he could solve the problem of near-universal anti-Semitism by bombing the whole world, not just Gaza, back to the Stone Age.

US President Joe Biden, under fire from Republicans for temporarily withholding some of the bombs Netanyahu is demanding, is expected to eventually accede to his Israeli counterpart’s request.







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