Dr. Darryl S. Adams
Superintendent, Cloacella Valley Unified School District
87225 Church St.
Thermal, CA 92274
Dear Dr. Adams,
Don’t get the wrong idea. I am not one of those politically-correct liberals that want to ban ethnic-slur mascots. But I do have a couple of suggestions about your “angry Arab.”
First, I’m sure your students have noticed that the Angry Arab’s caricatured hooked, Semitic nose looks like a drooping penis.
I’m sure the teams you guys play are not exactly terrified by this subliminal image of a flaccid, impotent phallus. If you want your mascot to strike fear into the hearts of opposing players and coaches, you should turn the Angry Arab’s nose into an ERECT penis. Then you could have all of your players wear gigantic phallic nose-guards during the game. The sight of erect phalluses sticking out from the faceguards of the players’ helmets would scare the bejeezus out of the other teams; and the mighty “Arab nose” would become a symbol of Cloacella’s football potency.
I mean, if you’re going to make fun of an ethnic group’s physiognomy, you might as well go all the way.
And speaking of Semitic noses…since you guys have had an Arab mascot since the 1920s, maybe it’s time to give it a break. Couldn’t you spend the next few decades paying tribute to the Arabs’ Middle Eastern opposition – by naming your team “The Fighting Jewboys” ?
Politically-correct liberals might call that anti-Semitic. But they would be wrong. Your Angry Arab mascot IS anti-Semitic, because Arabs are Semites. But Jews are not; the vast majority of Jews are Europeans, not Semites. Therefore, by changing your mascot from Angry Arab to Fighting Jewboy, you would actually be protecting yourself against charges of anti-Semitism.
A few nattering nay-saying nebbishes might quibble. They might say that a “Fighting Jewboy” mascot, featuring a gigantic hooked penis-nose, represents a form of ethnic stereotyping – even bigotry – regardless of the fact that Jews are not Semites.
But we must remember that these mascots are compliments to the ethnic groups they represent. Just as the Redskins’ name is a tribute to the legendary martial prowess of the “merciless Indian savages” mentioned in the Declaration of Independence and later exterminated, and the Angry Arab is a testament to how much America loves angry Arabs, your new “Fighting Jewboy” mascot would be a warm and heartfelt compliment to the Jewish people.
You can explain to the ADL and the JDL and whatever other DLs come poking around that the Fighting Jewboy mascot is a tribute to the fighting spirit of the Jewish people, who have mightily slaughtered tens or even hundreds of thousands of their enemies during their invasion, occupation, and ethnic cleansing of Palestine.
Your fearsome new team, the Fighting Jewboys, could adopt as its motto: “By way of deception thou shalt wage football.” It could cultivate the reputation of the dirtiest-playing football team in America, just as the Jewish State of Israel has achieved the hard-won distinction of being the dirtiest-fighting country in the world.
Your team could stockpile nuclear weapons along the sidelines in case it was in danger of losing a game. The big play would be code-named “the Samson Option.” It’s sort of like the regular option play, where the quarterback rolls out and has the option to run, hand off, or pass – except in this case, he would have the option of blowing up the stadium, the whole city, or all of the cities in the state.
The “Fighting Jewboys” could build a non-level playing field, i.e. a “double-standard stadium.” When the other team gets the ball, the goal lines are a hundred yards apart and the team goes uphill; but when the Jewboys get the ball, the goal lines are only one hundred feet apart and the Jewboys face downhill.
Your “Fighting Jewboys” could blind opposing players with white phosphorous. They could poison the quarterback of the opposing team with polonium, and assassinate all of the opposing teams’ best players using drive-by motorbike attacks.
The “Fighting Jewboys” could infiltrate other schools with “sayonim” students who pretend to be loyal to their own teams, but are really loyal to the “Fighting Jewboys” and stand always ready to help out with stealing playbooks, assassinations, bombings, and other dirty tricks.
In short, changing your mascot from “Angry Arab” to “Fighting Jewboy” would not only provide fairness, balance, and equal time to the other side of the Mideast conflict, but it would also help you build a genuinely fearsome football dynasty.
I hope you will give serious consideration to my proposal, and I eagerly await your reply.
Dr. Kevin Barrett