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Osama endorses Obama’s “kill Americans” plan: “Waste ’em all and let God sort ’em out!”

February 5th 2010
Undisclosed location northeast of western South Waziristan

(AP) Supporters of President Obama were shocked and dismayed yesterday by a Washington Post report that the President has embraced Bush’s policy of killing US citizens allegedly involved in terrorist actions abroad. But it now appears that Obama has received enthusiastic support from an unexpected source: Osama Bin Laden himself.

In a new audiotape delivered by bearded courier to, the reclusive al-Qaeda leader is heard enthusiastically endorsing Obama’s “kill Americans” policy.

Here is a translation of Bin Laden’s statement.

In the name of Allah, the Compassionate, the Merciful. All praise is due to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, and prayers and peace upon the Prophets and Messengers. As for what follows: From Osama bin Muhammad bin Ladin to the President whose name rhymes with mine, and whose new policy follows mine, peace be upon he who has accepted the Guidance. 

O honored and respected President, your decision to accept my 1998 fatwa urging the killing of Americans and their allies, wherever and whenever it is possible to do it, has filled my heart with joy.

Your plan to kill Americans who may be involved with terrorism must have been inspired by my 1998 fatwa, though I understand why, for political reasons, you cannot say this publicly.

As you know, all American troops and CIA personnel who have invaded and occupied foreign lands are terrorists, and all Americans who have paid taxes, participated in elections or other federal government activities or programs, or otherwise given their implicit endorsement of these acts of terrorism are therefore involved with terrorism. That means, my rhyming-named brother in jihad, that nearly all Americans are “involved with terrorism” and should be killed.

It is a miracle, all praises are due to God, that you, my newfound comrade in our blessed struggle against the satanic infidel power, have chosen to abandon your own Constitution and call for the slaughter of your own people without the hypocritical pretense of what Americans once called fair trials, due process of law, and other fine words. By burning your Constitution, you have destroyed the basis of governance of your nation far more effectively and thoroughly than I could have by annihilating Washington D.C. with a nuclear weapon. And by calling for the mass slaughter of your own people, using your own weapons, you have saved the mujahideen a lot of trouble.

May your blessed plan to kill Americans involved with terrorism, meaning all of them, succeed with the help of God the glorious and exalted. As you Americans say, waste ’em all and let God sort ’em out. That is all that needs to be said. And may peace be upon him who has followed the Guidance.

11 Thoughts to “Osama endorses Obama’s “kill Americans” plan: “Waste ’em all and let God sort ’em out!””

  1. Anonymous

    Hey fella's the half breed with the big ears is shiting all over the Constitution again. Give me a hand digging up the dead guy, we need a prop to help distract things with some Booga Booga. Lets gitter done before Super Bowl OK…

  2. Anonymous

    This is a joke, right?
    You actually think bin Laden is still alive?
    Santa Cruz

  3. Anonymous

    Of course, Obama is only carrying on in the tradition of George W Bush and Osama was only following Dick Cheney's order in 2001.

  4. Okay Mike, I admit it, I made the whole thing up. I guess when reality gets past a certain level of craziness, satire becomes redundant.

    By the way, anybody can make up a "Bin Laden message." Try it, it's fun!

  5. Anonymous

    As Allah as my witness America will rue the day I come back from the grave. Jesus got noth'n on me mamma.

    – Osama

  6. Anonymous

    If you were trying to be funny Kevin …. you werent.

  7. Uh, yes, thanks to your perceptive deconstruction I now realize that terrorism is a VERY serious subject. I will do my best to treat it in the future as a grave and weighty matter, and to avoid anything smacking of irony, satire, humor, mirth, levity, humour-noir, or anything like that.

  8. Anonymous

    The Bin Laden stuff is hilarious – you could easily be the best and boldest political satirist in the Muslim world. I do really believe that satire which exposes the truth is the highest form of intelligence!

  9. So much for taking terrorism seriously.

  10. Anonymous

    You only satirize yourself.

  11. In the grand tradition of Cervantes?

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