In a stern warning to the American public, COVID czar Anthony Fauci said this morning that masking, social distancing, small business shutdowns, job losses, media fearmongering, oligarch profiteering, Orwellian censorship and surveillance, and his own fifteen minutes of fame will continue forever, because the crisis will not end until at least 110% of the population is vaccinated.
“Think of it this way,” the avuncular pandemic poobah explained. “The best vaccine, Moderna’s, only has a 90% success rate. So what percent of the population would you have to vaccinate to get to 100% success? You don’t need a calculator to know that we’re going to have to vaccinate 110% of the population.”
Fauci went on to deliver an abstruse, long-winded explanation of why vaccinating 110% of the population is a mathematical impossibility. “The problem,” he finally concluded, “is that the extra ten percent of the population you need to vaccinate…just doesn’t exist. So you can never reach your goal. Obviously we’ll have to keep on living in COVID dystopia forever….bwa ha ha!”
Seeking a second opinion, we reached out to Bill Gates, who confirmed everything Fauci said and then some. “Actually we may need to vaccinate 120% of the population to put this behind us, since half of the nonexistent extra ten percent of imaginary people who don’t exist are anti-vaxxers who will refuse to allow their completely fictitious selves to serve as guinea pigs in a gigantic germ warfare experiment whose endgame involves reducing Earth’s population to around half a billion people, as per the Georgia Guidestones. So the bottom line is, Tony’s right, this will not end any time before Doomsday, and maybe not even then.”
The 10% of Americans who would need to be vaccinated to eradicate COVID-19 but who unfortunately do not exist could not be reached for comment.