Donald Trump announced this morning that upon being sworn in as president on January 20, his first act will be to invade various countries so he can name them after himself. After invading Greenland and renaming it Trumpland, Trump will invade Mexico to rename it Trumpxico, Canada to rename it Trump-a-duh, and Panama so he can steal the Panama Canal and rename it Trump Canal. He also plans to have Republican allies introduce legislation to rename the United States of America the United States of Trump. Following the Trumpification of North America and environs, the president-elect intends to carry out similar campaigns against the four other continents, the moon and planets, neighboring solar systems, the Milky Way and other galaxies, and ultimately the utmost extremities of the known universe.
The Democratic National Committee issued a statement claiming that Trump’s plans to conquer and Trumpify the universe represent a threat to democracy—and, more importantly, to the availability of sex change operations for needy children. The DNC vowed to save democracy by nominating an unattractive candidate in the 2028 elections, assuming Trump decides to hold them, and added that even though Trump is Hitler they looked forward to making him more popular than ever by pursuing increasingly ridiculous prosecutions and lawsuits.