Shatters record previously held by Jesus
WASHINGTON D.C. (October 24, 2024) – Precognitive Press
One week before Hallowe’en, the hundreds of Congressional representatives who had been giving Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu a standing ovation since July 24 finally stopped applauding and sat down.
According to the Guinness Book of World Records, Netanyahu’s ovation easily shattered the previous record held by Jesus Christ, who earned a three hour sixteen minute one second ovation from the Clap for Jesus Team in Kampala, Uganda on 30 July 2023.
House Speaker Mike Johnson’s congressional staffing team handled the event’s logistics, including the NASA-developed Baggie-Based Poop Collection with Suction Fan System and Urine Collection Garment Prototype first used on the International Space Station, which allowed congressmen to excrete while standing and applauding. Johnson’s staff also obtained and dispensed DARPA’s new version of the stimulant Modafinil, which kept the congressional sycophants awake for three months, as well as the nanofiber “exoskeleton suits” that helped their wearers maintain a standing position for over 90 days.
The congressmen were hand-fed by staffers at regular intervals while standing and applauding. Beverages, including generous quantities of alcohol, were poured into funnels leading to plastic tubes inserted into the congressmen’s throats, using technology originally developed by the French foie gras industry.
Critics questioned whether three-month Netanyahu ovation was a legitimate world record, since the congressmen only spent a few minutes applauding Netanyahu in person before the Israeli Prime Minister left, returned to Israel, and resumed his genocide, leaving Congress applauding a giant Netanyahu hologram projected inside an even larger Star of David. Rep. Johnson defended the record’s authenticity, saying “Jesus’s sixteen minute standing ovation saluted His spirit, even though His body was not present. Anyone who doesn’t want to offer Israel’s leader the same privilege as Jesus is a Hamas-loving antisemite.”
According to unconfirmed reports, several congressmen have suffered adverse events from their three-month ovations, including chapped hands, back problems, and in at least one case, an inability to stop applauding. That representative, according to family members, will not be running for re-election, but will instead pursue a career in the music industry as a hand-clapping human metronome.