Dick Cheney, George W. Bush’s former handler, has updated his 1% Doctrine and announced a Global War on Trump (GWOT).
“In our nation’s 248-year history, there has never been an individual who is a greater threat to our republic than Donald Trump,” Cheney said Friday. “If there is even a one percent chance that he could regain the White House, we need to treat it as a certainty—and blow up Midtown Manhattan, while Trump is there, to prevent the unthinkable. That is why I have ordered neoconservative elements of the National Security State to detonate a 500 megaton nuclear weapon in the basement of Trump Tower during Trump’s next visit.”
Cheney explained that vaporizing Trump and Manhattan, while also flying a remote-controlled jetliner into the Pentagon for good measure, would definitively stop the otherwise-indestructible Orange Man. “Bullets have no effect on him, as we saw on July 13,” Cheney said. “He’s like King Kong or Godzilla. We have to get him while he’s hanging on to a Manhattan skyscraper, and use plenty of megatonnage to make sure he’s fully vaporized. If we used too small of a warhead, it might just leave him with a tiny scratch on his ear that he could use to smear bloody war paint on his face and announce that he was saved and annointed by Yahweh.”
Cheney further explained that vaporizing Manhattan as well as Trump would provide a pretext for “putting some teeth in the Patriot Act” so Trump’s global network could be taken down. “It may take years or even decades to win the Global War on Trump, and to track down and liquidate International Trumpism wherever it rears its ugly head. But if there is even a one percent chance he could win the election, we have to assume he has already won—and then nuke him, go berserk, and spend seven trillion dollars murdering and torturing alleged Trumpists in dozens of nations across the globe.”
Cheney said that Pakistani taxi drivers were being already being sent home from Guantanamo to make room for Trumpists, and that Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq was being staffed with Sde Teiman guards from Israel, who will be turned loose on the Trumpists once Trump is vaporized and the Global War on Trump is fully underway.
The first wave of tortured Trumpists, the J6 political prisoners, are being held incommunicado and could not be reached for comment.