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Donald Trump has been shot once again for the second time in less than a week. The latest shooting took place at today’s Trump rally in Colon City, Michigan. Trump was struck in the rear by a bullet fired by a gunman who clambered onto the stage, unhurriedly assembled his rifle, and conspicuously assumed a firing position, while the frantic crowd screamed “Gunman! There’s a gunman on the stage!” in an ineffectual effort to alert the Secret Service.
Fortunately Trump was struck just as he was bending over the opposite side of the stage from the gunman in an apparent attempt to kiss a young lady in a MAGA hat. The bullet struck directly between Trump’s buttocks, traveling roughly eight inches while being squeezed by the once and future president’s copiously flabby butt-cheeks before coming harmlessly to rest half-lodged in the presidential sphincter.
Not missing a beat, Trump straightened up, dropped his pants, pulled the bullet out of his ass, sniffed it, and thrust it aloft three times in his clenched fist screaming “fight! fight! fight!” The crowd, cued by last Saturday’s shooting, simultaneously thrust thousands of fists in the air and chanted along with the president. Once the ritual chant was finished, several dozen Secret Service members wheeled on cue to discharge their weapons at the suspect, whose head splattered all over the stage like an exploded watermelon, to the delight of the crowd.
Analysts observed that had the president not chosen the perfect moment to bend over, he might easily have been killed. “It was a miracle that Trump just happened to expose his gigantic, flabby butt-cheeks to to the bullet at exactly the right moment,” explained CNN’s Anderson Cooper. “That gargantuan ass of his probably saved his life.”
Another apparent miracle occurred when a photographer happened to snap a picture of the bullet leaving a vapor trail as it streaked at 2700 feet per second straight toward Trump’s ass. That photograph, like the one of Trump brandishing the stinky bullet while yelling “fight fight fight,” has already been nominated for the 2024 Pulitzer Prize.
Questions about why the Secret Service failed to intercept the gunman prior to the shooting remain unanswered. But there is no doubt about the incident’s political impact. “If two or three more shootings like these occur between now and November, Trump will almost certainly win the White House,” said Allan Lichtman, the self-styled Nostradamus of American presidential elections. “Four or more, and it’s a certainty.”
Conspiracy theorists who cast aspersions on received accounts of this and other incidents could not—and should not—be reached for comment.