President Donald Trump, profoundly shocked to the very core of his being by a vulgarity uttered about him by Rep. Rashida Tlaib, has issued a statement begging Rep. Tlaib, and all other Americans, to “stop being so vulgar.”
“We must eschew all forms of vulgarity,” Trump solemly intoned from his White House pulpit. The august, esteemed, and decorous President of the United States of America then proceeded to lightly chide Rep. Tlaib for her intemperate remark by reciting from memory one of his favorite passages from the classics:
“Good taste or bad is revealed in everything we are, do, and say. Our speech, manners, dress, and household goods—and even our friends—are evidences of the propriety of our taste. Rules of etiquette are nothing more than sign-posts by which we are guided to the goal of good taste. Whether we Americans are drifting toward or from finer perceptions both mental and spiritual is too profound a subject to be taken up at a White House press briefing. Yet it is a commonplace remark that older presidents invariably feel that the younger generation of congressional representatives is speeding swiftly on the road to perdition. But whether the present younger generation is really any nearer to that frightful end than any previous one is a question that we of the present older generation are scarcely qualified to answer. To be sure manners seem to have grown lax and many of the amenities apparently have vanished. But do these things merely seem so to us because young men of fashion do not pay party calls nowadays and the young woman of fashion uses colloquial expressions? It is difficult to maintain that youth to-day is so very different from what it has been in other periods of the country’s history.”
Trump proceeded to gently insinuate that Rep. Tlaib’s wardrobe, like her words, ought to be chosen with just a tad more fastidiousness, saying:
“Vulgar clothes are those which, no matter what the fashion of the moment may be, are always too elaborate for the occasion; too exaggerated in style, or have accessories out of proportion. People of uncultivated taste are apt to fancy distortions; to exaggerate rather than modify the prevailing fashions.”
Trump closed the press conference by threatening to use his emergency powers to “put some teeth in fashion law” and insisting that the real reason he wanted to build the wall was to keep out “all those vulgar, tasteless Mexicans who are so sadly lacking in politesse and have no conception of the finer things in life.”