In its last act in office, the outgoing Biden Administration has approved Congress’s appropriation of $666 million in offerings to Yahweh and his earthly representative, Benjamin Netanyahu. The massive sacrifice is intended to appease Yahweh and his crew of fire gods, who are suspected of burning down much of Los Angeles in retribution for America’s stingy refusal to spend itself into complete bankruptcy supporting Yahweh’s chosen people and their holocaust of Palestine.
“Yahweh blesses those who bless him and curses those who curse him,” explained Rabbi Smutley Botox, Yahweh’s chosen representative for the 9th Congressional District of New Jersey. “And by ‘blesses him’ we mean showering him and his chosenites with lots and lots of money, valuables, weapons, sacrificial shiksas, and other items that smell really, really good to his burnt-flesh-relishing nostrils.”
The $666 million congressional appropriation includes six hundred million dollars worth of genocide weapons, sixty million dollars in untraceable small bills, and six million dollars’ worth of nubile blonde shiksas who will be burned alive in a secret pyramidal chamber beneath the basement of the Yad Vashem Human Sacrifice Temple in Occupied Jerusalem.
“We wish we could ritually slaughter those shiksas in a ‘rebuilt’ blood sacrifice temple,” explained Rabbi Yehuda Glock of the Turd Temple Movement. “But first we have to burn enough shiksas, I mean sacrifices, to convince Yahweh to let us demolish the al-Aqsa Mosque. We’re hoping that the smell of burnt shiksa flesh will tickle Yahweh’s nostrils so he ‘sneezes’ and blows up al-Aqsa—an act with which, we hasten to add, the C4 we’ve planted beneath the mosque will have no relation whatsoever.”
Koward Hwohr, president of AYPAC (American-Yahwist Public Affairs Committee) said in a statement Tuesday that America’s sacrificial offering had convinced Yahweh to let the Los Angeles fires diminish, but that hurricanes even bigger than Helene would soon pummel America’s coasts unless billions more were quickly coughed up. Hwohr added that unless the United States increased its financial, military, and diplomatic support for the burning and dismembering of vastly larger numbers of Palestinian women and children, Yahweh would smite Americans with plagues, pestilences, droughts, locusts, and other smiteables.
God, reached in his seventh heaven and informed that a psychopath named Yahweh was impersonating Him, offered no comment, but if He had eyeballs He surely would have rolled them.